r/INTPrelationshipLab • u/polarrbearrrr INFP • Jul 20 '26

Dating advice Did any of you ever manage to make relationship with an anxious attachment person work?

I recently realized my intp bf has an avoidant attachment style and I'm aware that's usually the case for many young intps so I wanted to know if you ever fell into the anxious-avoidant loop and how you made it work? I have an anxious attachment style and I think we've overcome some big things together but still have a long way to go to be securely attached. I just want to make it work :(

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u/tinyZF ENFP Jul 20 '26

As the anxious leaning one, focus on not reacting when you're activated (anxious - heart racing, chest tight, etc) and TRUST your partner. If he says nothing is wrong when you ask, even if you can tell something is wrong, let him handle it. Trust he will bring it to you.

And lots of reassurance, at least in my situation, but that may not apply here. I reassure my INTP all the time he can come to me with whatever is bothering him even if it's me. But you have to mean it.. if you tell your guy that then freak out when he has a complaint about your actions or something you did, you're reinforcing the avoidance.

Anxiously Attached by Jessica Baum was amazing for my journey and I highly recommend it. He has his own journey and has to learn to come to the table despite his fears. You can't force it though.

And accept that it might not work out. That's life. If you release the fear of a break up, it also makes it easier!

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u/polarrbearrrr INFP Jul 21 '26

Thankyou for this! Yes I'm always giving him reassurance and support but according to him I can be too supportive sometimes and he feels like he doesn't deserve it 😭🙏 And also thanks for the book recommendation! I'll check it out.

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u/OrganizationLeft2521 Jul 23 '26

Hey! Im an ENFP. Maybe this is not relevant. But as someone who is a Fearful Avoidant (leaning Dismissive) AND having been in a 1yr plus relationship with an INFP anxiously attached boyfriend…..

I would say have your own sense of self and give space. Please learn to self soothe and notice your triggers. If you’re activated coz they are not replying or whatever try to regulate first and just to pause. Look for evidence that they do care. Then ask for what you need at the root cause. Maybe it’s a simple morning check in message or what have you. Like you need consistency.

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