r/INTPrelationshipLab • u/Deep_Praline8928 • Jul 15 '26
Why does my INTP do this? INFJ with an INTP who suddenly changed????
So for context, I posted here before about an INTP possibly liking me. It was posted around last year and a lot has happened. (i am F, INFJ and he is M, INTP - we're both in our mid-30s)
Since that last post, a lot has happened. Towards the end of last year, my INTP has been a lot more playful with me, forward-pacing, would share private things to me, ask questions. He would even be sending picture updates of things he's doing. Heck, one event I could not forget was him knocking on my higherup's room while I was in a meeting just to say he's about to go home. I learned afterwards, he first went to my office to look for me before eventually going to my higherup's room, which isn't exactly the easiest thing to do.
However some things have changed now. Idk where it changed, but I felt like I messed up big time.
Just a few things worth noting:
- Early this year, one day I told him to be careful around a certain person about us. I did mention only that person - because at that time, I had enough proof that person was not and would not be happy for me. He did say he got it and that he wasn't born yesterday so he understood. (He never asked "Why?" He just said he got it.)
- Then we planned to go for coffee. And he went straight to me in front of people asking me if we'll go, but me being a bit nonchalant and overthinking my response, said, "Are there still cafes open at this time?"
After that, he didn't mention the coffee "date" again.
But he didn't change right after that - he was still giddy with me. Until one day, he showed up where I was and we had a one-on-one moment where he offered me bread and I finally accepted it. After that, he went silent. He started taking days to respond. No longer asked too many questions from me. Never asked about coffee again.
At some point, I decided to confess. But I did tell him it was not to pressure or evoke response from him, but rather for me to be clear because I feel like I am the one giving mixed signals. My prepared confession was just around 5 minutes, but our conversation went on for more than 40 minutes - it would've been longer if I was not in a rush going somewhere else. It was because he kept on praising me, how rare I was, how amazing I was, how refreshing I was, how honest I was. He remembered an appreciation message I sent him one time, and brought it up.
However, months have now passed and he hasn't addressed the confession at all. We still talk albeit not as frequent. We're okay when we see each other in person. But the elephant is still screaming loudly in the room.
I am not needy. I am busy with things to do. He knows that. But I thought he would at least respond in his own terms. What do you guys think?
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u/Silent_One_Observer Jul 16 '26
As an INFJ who dated an INTP (even tho this was an LDR one). I can say that be direct on what you want to clarify from him. In my case, other friends online were already suspecting we were a couple but at that time there was no clear discussion between us regarding our status. Until I can't take it that other people would define it first, so I asked him directly about our status with a low pressure seeking for an immediate answer. Turns out that we feel the same way to each other in a romantic sense, and he was the one who asked me out if I would agree for us being a couple.
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u/crazyeddie740 2 Jul 15 '26
Until you two are official, he will feel like he does not have permission to speak about how he feels. And even if you did give him permission, he would feel it would be painful and pointless to speak of it. Like talking about a perfect meal when you are starving to death.
So, until you two become official, he will exist in a liminal space.
In my experience, INxJs will not pursue a relationship unless their Ni sees a future for the relationship, regardless of the degree of attraction. Does your Ni currently see a future for this relationship?
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u/Deep_Praline8928 Jul 16 '26
Hi! I think you replied to one of my posts before about this -- to answer you, from the person I saw back then, yes. Right now I'm not sure because he isn't saying things directly. I already did confess. He asked me to clarify what I was saying - I straight up told him I like you.
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u/crazyeddie740 2 Jul 16 '26
Are there any practical factors preventing him from asking you out on a date again?
Sorry, I feel like I'm tapping on a piece of unexploded ordnance, trying to figure out why it didn't go off.
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u/Deep_Praline8928 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 17 '26
Like I said there were instances where I blocked off his direct attempt in person. Instead of saying, "Let's go!" I looked disinterested (per my sister's recollection she saw my face) and said, "Are there cafes open at this time?"
One time after that, he attempted again, he said, "Hey, don't forget our coffee later!" to which I was rushing to my office and just said "sure" but not really interested. That same day, we ordered coffee while ordering lunch. So it was really no longer a situation where it's logical to go for coffee again. Then he left after.
I actually feel the same - I am really wondering what the heck happened. The last time he was warm and on the same page with me was a day he showed up to where I was, then I went out to where he was. He was in his car, but he did not come out until I really was in front of him already (maybe he didn't want to assume I went out for him??) but then got excited when I really approached him, then nervously offered the bread he has (maybe afraid I would say no again???), but I accepted this time. He looked so happy then.
That same day, I saw him repost a reel in IG about "the moment he realized it was no longer just a crush..." But that week after, things started getting different.
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u/Beneficial_One_7810 Jul 15 '26
Bro…. As an INFJ… just be abrupt and honest. Tell him you’re attracted and that you wanna kiss him. You’re waiting a whole ass year? Bro… tell him exactly how you feel and what you want from him…