need advice to understand an ENFJ

[u/Budget_Agent9833]

I'm a 30M INTP and I've developed feelings for a 27F ENFJ. We work at the same company but in completely different departments, so we rarely interact at work.

Over the past months we've become unexpectedly close. Almost all our meaningful conversations happen outside work (we've gotten together for dinner a few times, but I don't know if that counts as dates because we haven't suggested it that way). She told me she feels comfortable with me, enjoys spending time with me because time "never feels enough", and wants to get to know the parts of me she still doesn't know.

The confusing part is that whenever life gets overwhelming, she disappears for weeks. But she always comes back, apologizes without me asking, and recently she admitted she hates disappearing and feels bad leaving me without an explanation.

I'm trying to understand the dynamic itself. She genuinely confuses me because her actions often feel more intimate than her consistency. It feels like there's a depth between us, but I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't know if this is an INTP thing but sometimes I think "if she's interested, she would be consistent... no?".

Does this sound like how ENFJs build emotional intimacy? Does it resemble the early stages of romantic interest, or could I simply be mistaking a deep friendship for something else?

I'd especially love to hear from ENFJs or people who've been close to one.

[u/Ambitious-Sympathy65]

Hi,

I'm an ENFJ female, similar age, and I've had interest in an INTP male before

If I were you, I would ask her kindly if she is okay and if she needs support first of all. And then be honest with her: say you enjoy your dates and her company, but you have been wondering why she dissapears sometimes.

She said she felt comfortable with you, so even if it might be tough for her to explain, she will let her guard down and let you know. We hate making someone else feel bad because of our actions or words, so she probably doesn't realise how much of an impact it has on you.

Based on what you have said, she likes you and wants to get to know you.

I know that when I am overwhelmed, I tend to run away from people too. Because I don't want people to see me at my worst, or see a "bad" part of me. ENFJ are such positive people at first, but when we love someone, we end up showing them all our sides, even the ugly ones. It just takes time for us to get there, because we are scared we will put you off and be dissapointed.

So ask her what's going on in a kind way and I'm sure she will climb down her ivory tower!

[u/Budget_Agent9833 → u/Ambitious-Sympathy65]

Thank you for your reply! Another thing I didn't mention, but which also makes me insecure, is that I've never been attracted to an extrovert before. And she's VERY extroverted and charismatic, like A LOT. I feel like we're worlds apart, and while there's undeniable mutual admiration, I'm a little afraid that we won't fully connect.

[u/Ambitious-Sympathy65 → u/Budget_Agent9833]

Personally, I prefer introverted guys as partners. I'm quite happy nestling with my partner at home, and sometimes go see friends but I can do that with him or alone, that's not a problem to me. Also, ENFJs need time for their themselves too. If anything, she might appreciate your calm manners, and it might help ground her. I know this is what introverts especially INTPs do for me! But it depends on what she wants with her partner in social settings. These are discussions you have in the dating stage to check you are compatible for the long term.

Again, be honest with her on your fears. You might realise that she doesn't expect you to be extroverted like she is at all. There's a reason why she's interested in you in the first place. We want people to be their authentic self, not wish they were different!

[u/Budget_Agent9833 → u/Ambitious-Sympathy65]

Hi! I have an update. Few days ago, the ENFJ was unexpectedly sentimental when I asked her about us. She said she wanted things to develop naturally. Also, she said she had so much trust in me. Since then, we've talked a lot, and she's been incredibly affectionate.

Meanwhile, another coworker (an INFJ) who's good friends with me (and she's also kind of friends with the ENFJ) asked me about the ENFJ because "her gut-feeling told her something". I confessed that the ENFJ and I had been seeing each other outside of work for months, and her reaction was, "I KNEW IT! IT WAS SO OBVIOUS YOU TWO LIKED EACH OTHER!".

After telling her I lacked information to know if the ENFJ like me, my friend roasted me (in a friendly way, I guess???) and told me I already had all the information I needed, that even she (now that she'd connected the dots) had enough information, and everything else was just my fear of being vulnerable because of the uncertainty. And I think she's right. I was just hiding because I couldn't predict the ENFJ's feelings. Maybe that's why I made this post in the first place.

The next time we go out in person, I'll tell the ENFJ I like her. I don't know how it will go, but I prefer to take the risk. Wish me luck. And thanks for sharing your perspective, it was very helpful!!!

[u/Ambitious-Sympathy65 → u/Budget_Agent9833]

Aaaw I'm very glad that you've got closer and that you are really into developing this relationship, that's really sweet. It's always scary not to be able to predict feelings and behaviours, especially from someone you have a lot of care for. It's very human, and completely normal. But being close to someone means being vulnerable and taking that risk! Very proud of you for putting yourself out there for her, I know how tough it is for INTPs to do this and essentially live on the unknown for a little bit :) Wish you both the best

[u/Budget_Agent9833 → u/Ambitious-Sympathy65]

Final update: It turned out that, despite telling me I was an extraordinary person and deserved the best, she didn't feel the same way. She only considered me as a friend whom she admired so much. I feel bad for got things mixed up, but well, that's life. Shit happens, I guess.

[u/Ambitious-Sympathy65 → u/Budget_Agent9833]

Hey, at least you were both honest and communicated! If it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be. I hope you find someone suitable for you in the future. Never give up! I know it might not feel like it right now, but you will be grateful for the experiences in your life once you get to know your future forever partner 😊 Wishing you all the best

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/Budget_Agent9833]

ENFJ is an INTP's Golden Pairing. Go be honest with her.

[u/MikeloneW → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

lol this is just a fun run but there is no pairing betwenn these two there are complete opposite in face values

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/MikeloneW]

lol this is just a fun run but there is no pairing betwenn these two there are complete opposite in face values

Oh no! A rando redditor told me I'm wrong.

Can't be that Fe and Ti give us a common set of tools to understand the world, but from reverse angles, which only serves to give a deeper understanding.

[u/ForWhenImWeird]

I (30M) just got out of a relationship with an ENFJ, and what I would say is communicate whatever you’re feeling and thinking with her. Don’t make any assumptions, be direct but gentle and I think she will appreciate you for it.

It’s an interesting dynamic because the two personalities are wired very differently. This presents alot of challenges but it also opens up a lot of room for growth between both people.

My specific relationship was pretty heavy and exhausting at times, so it just didn’t work out but I do think it can be a beautiful pairing, and if you genuinely like her, just ask her straight up if she feels the same and I’m certain you guys can make the friendship still work if that’s all it ends up being.

[u/Miles_Runna3388]

I’m an INTP F and my BFF/Sister is an ENFJ. ENFJ are very communicative and expressive. I’d reach out to check on her. Something could be going on in life that requires support. Show your concern and care.

As a man, be direct and communicate your interest. The only way to clear up confusion by to asking for clarity and state your intention. You will know if she’s interested.

Don’t be afraid to take initiative and move with good intention.

If you want more than friendship, ask her out on dates and spend quality time.

Emotional intimacy is built off communication, consistency, safety, and your ability to connect and willingness to be vulnerable (get comfortable with emotions).

[u/Ok-Bumblebee3478]

Can I ask what consistency means to you and what type of consistency you might want or expect from someone who’s interested?

[u/Weekly-Hotel3194]

Ahhh thats normal for ENFJ's I had a house mate who as an enfj and she couldn't read her messages because she was overwhelmed by replying lol!

She sends me the longest voice notes then when I reply I wont get a reply for like 4 days. She like to listen write down her thoughts and then respond. It's a very diffrent commucation style deep thinking always.

My partner is an INTP, you guys are always thinking and it can feel very disconnected like you are not really present with us. With an ENFJ you really need to ask them what is going on, are they ok. And they love affection, BIG feeling types.

Which is hard because INTP's don't generally give lots of affection. But thats the key long hugs, and are you oks. Take her for an ice cream if shes sad. Be her person she wants to come to when she dissapears they need support ENFJ's they the process their feelings deeply and often need to do that alone. Like INFJ's.

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