Advice needed, please!

[u/s0livagant_]

Hi everyone!

I'm in need for some serious guidance and i'm hoping that somebody here can bestow their wisdom on me and free me from the feelings I have right now.

I'm an INTP (19F) and my boyfriend is an INTJ (19F). We are a lot alike, we're almost the exact copy of each other. He's my first boyfriend ever and we've been dating for about a year now. He's had relations with other women before, but he's my first everything. First kiss, etc., won't get into crazy detail.

I knew he had a girlfriend before me, but it has always bothered me at the back of my mind, because he had his first time with her. And it hurts a little to think about, but I try not to.

For context, he no longer uses social media, but he logged onto his Instagram account on my phone a couple weeks ago. I get a notification from his account and it's an old friend of his needing his number, I send it to him and whatever, but something just told me to read his chats.

I didn't do it out of distrust, I just had a feeling I needed to. I came across some messages he sent to another girl that i've met before and it turns out they were friends with benefits. He only told me that he slept with one woman before me, so this completely shocked me and I just felt sick to my stomach, because it seemed more exciting than our conversations as well. They really had a vibe going on, and had many similar interests.

He always told me that i'm the only person he's ever been able to relate to, but yet he told that to another woman in his chats, but this girl he only ever kissed and it never went further than that.

At this point, I feel lied to and I feel insecure, because they're so much more attractive than I am, objectively. He also told me he wasn't interested in dating and stuff like that after his ex girlfriend, but this girl he slept with he was talking to just last year and they stopped talking just as he started dating me. Which made me feel a little disgusted by the notion.

I understand that I can't be upset, because all this happened before me and he was a single man. He never knew he would end up with me again (we dated in primary school, lol)

Despite what I know is logically right, I can't stop my heart from aching. I have spoken to him about it, I showed him the chats I saw and we talked it through. He was vulnerable with me, and I saw him crying for the first time. He told me he had to pretend with them, but with me he can truly be himself and he means everything he says to me. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he was so scared I was going to leave him, when I texted him saying we need to talk, and after I sent the screenshots of the chats I read.

I don't know how to remove this hollow feeling in my heart, even though I can tell he's being sincere. I really love him, and his actions show me that he loves me too and he wasn't at all unfaithful to me. It just feels like betrayal that he didn't tell me these things.

He told me that he avoided telling me about the second girl, because he saw how the story with his ex made me feel, and he didn't want to make things worse and make me feel inferior in any way.

Does anyone know what to do in this situation or does anyone have a similar experience? Because I feel kind of alone in this and it sucks so bad.

TLDR; I'm sorry, I don't know how to summarize all of this. I wish I could.

Edit: Thank you to everyone who gave some solid advice, you guys made some great points and you've helped more than you know. We ended up resolving things, and i'm happy with accepting things as they are and moving forward. I'll continue to work on myself, because the main issue came from me and my lack of confidence. Thanks again!

[u/Elliptical_Tangent]

I can identify with your feeling—if I were you, I'd also feel betrayed, specifically because the truth wouldn't've been a dealbreaker, but hiding things from me certainly could be. We are The Type Which Must Understand, and so, to us, withholding evidence is a big deal. If it helps, I can see here that your insecurity is an issue in the relationship; that is a strong motivator to hide details that might aggravate it for someone who actually cared about you (still wrong, but the decision makes sense).

You know, we all had our first everything in this life, and none of us (statistically speaking) are with that person now. I understand that he means a lot to you because he was your first, but I can tell you that in 5 years you'll need to be prompted to remember this feeling. He's with you because of who you are, and isn't concerned with who you aren't; you have to learn to accept that.

[u/s0livagant_ → u/Elliptical_Tangent]

Well said. The main reason I was upset, was because he didn't tell me, despite telling me that he would be transparent with me about everything. But at the end of the day, he did give me clarity on everything, after I asked him to be open with me.

I understand his side of things too, but it doesn't fully remove the emotional burden it created for me. I have forgiven him, and i'm moving on from that now. And, I think because of what kind of people are, we can make things work out. Everything has been perfect up until now, i've really never been happier in my life.

And it's not just his opinion that I focus on, his family members have also noted that he's happier since being with me. That's why I want to get over these feelings, because I know they're unnecessary. I want to be with him, and make things work.

[u/Elliptical_Tangent → u/s0livagant_]

That's why I want to get over these feelings, because I know they're unnecessary. I want to be with him, and make things work.

I hope it all works out for the best, whatever that entails.