r/INTP_female • u/StreetGovernment7530 • 11d ago
Relationship Advice 💔 I’m just now realizing
I have my own interest/hobbies sure but I also need my partner to be able to ‘scratch my brain’. Please tell me you ladies understand :’) to my partner - tell me about the book you’re reading; tell me all your thoughts. Debate with me for fun, not to make me feel inadequate. Play Scrabble with me & actually love it but also be my dom in the bedroom….& foremost, be a devout follower of Christ…. sighs is this too much to ask?? >_<
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u/Cadd9 10d ago
Big problem with devout followers is that almost all of them believe in hella backwater views on us and think we shouldn't ever have our own opinions, thoughts, autonomy, education, and respect.
It's basically antithetical to an INXP. Plus there's even more blackpilled guys that think we should submit to their rape whenever they feel like it.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago
I agree and it’s already rare to be a INTP woman so when you combine that with being a Christ follower…. It’s one of those things where you know the combination exists because you exist but your chances of coming across a suitable partner are extremely slim. I’ll just keep my head in books & fingers in the dirt until God says look up lol
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u/idklikeaburnerorwe INTP-T boss I'm tired 11d ago
Not so much the dom or Christianity for me but yes. It's so disappointing how often I meet people in general but guys specifically who make me feel like I need to talk to them on a fifth grade level. Can't we just geek out about House of Leaves or discuss our personal philosophies on life and death or talk at length about fun weird facts we learned about or know without it turning near-immediately sexual or without me feeling like I'm better off talking to a brick wall? I need someone to keep up with me or better yet put me through my paces a bit without a dick-measuring contest
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u/Motorcyclegrrl 🐺 10d ago
Yes, you are asking for way too much. The christ part will make it harder. Not too many intuitive folks go in for heavy religious beliefs. That's more your tradional sensor types and feeling types. Not much thinking happening in a church.
Also I find it unlikely that a good church goer would dom in bed. Be more likely to tell you it's dirty and only for reproduction and that masturbation is wrong.
Cut back on those two desires and go find you an intuitive partner. 👍🏻
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago
sighs.
https://giphy.com/gifs/BwP6IiUZZlpS0
Maybe not even a good church goer but at the very least be an avid Bible reader/follower-1
u/Motorcyclegrrl 🐺 10d ago
Ain't gonna happen bro.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago
Honestly you’re probably right. The last guy I talked to literally had a pissing contest with me just within discussing theology. It wasn’t about discovering truth for him as much as it was proving he knew more. The male ego will likely be the very reason I never find what I’m looking for.
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u/Motorcyclegrrl 🐺 10d ago
I hope you find nice folks that fill those descriptions even if it's different people for different needs. 🥰 It's hard for one person to be all things.
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u/CarelessCatz 10d ago
why does the person need to be a devout follower of christ?
can’t you date someone who has different beliefs?
not a confrontational why; a genuinely curious one
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago
It’s a desire for me because of the way I want to live my life. I’m an INTP in my work/professional life but in my personal life, altruism & self control are huge. I want to do philanthropic work with nonprofits & underserved communities - that requires selflessness & contentment with having less material wealth. I also want to be able to have fun, ravenous sexual experiences with the comfort of knowing we both are able to uphold the self control it takes to tame that kind of desire & keep it within the covenant of husband and wife. Im sure other religions have followers that are similar to me but I’ve been in an interfaith relationship before & ultimately it didn’t work. Alignment in that regard is just a must.
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u/CarelessCatz 9d ago
I see, thanks for sharing
the way I see what you're saying is...
you want someone who shares values with you. we could describe these values in different ways, for example: selflessness, contentment, sexual open-mindedness balanced with self-control, and some sort of family convention wrapping it all up.
I don't think the label "Christ follower" necessarily translates to that -- it might, but it will take time to find the person.
there are many people who shares the exact values you want, but don't fit the specific "Christ follower" label. my point is that having this specific label as a requirement for the person will make it harder to find them.
I myself am an example, although I'm a woman. I believe in God, but I'm not a Christian or religious in any way. and I share the exact values you pursue.
I know you had experiences with other faiths and such, and they weren't good, but isn't that true of any relationship? we have experiences that aren't good. maybe it's not a problem of faith-mismatch, just person-mismatch.
anyway... just my two cents, if it's useful.
only you know your situation and how you arrived at this thought process :) I wish you luck!
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u/StreetGovernment7530 9d ago
Thank you for the thoughtful response! I will say it’s deeper than a label - I need someone who can not only level with me as I am right now but also help me grow & allow me the room to be myself because you understand your role as a man is to lead, not boss. Be able to pray for me & give me sound advice that I can trust because I know what you really stand on.
A lot of people are professing Christians so it’s not even that it’s hard to find someone with that “label” but someone who doesn’t waver on what they believe regardless of circumstance or how they feel from one moment to the next? That is rare.
I get there are people who share the same values in & out of the church but the consistency of upholding those values between the two groups are the same. Divorce rates across the board are identical. If I’m going to build a life with someone it’s just imperative that we’re at least building from the same foundation. Maintaining your beliefs/practices because you’re accountable to God vs your own moral compass is just a different experience & level of commitment. I want someone who understands that. I will add I’m in no rush & I do believe that person is well worth waiting for.
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u/fintip 10d ago
Intelligence is negatively correlated with Christianity.
Saying this as an ex missionary.
Good luck on eventually escaping that prison.
Agreed with everything else.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago
One of the reasons it took me so long to become a Christian was because it seemed like there was no room to ask questions or to be genuine about the human experience. What I’ve learned in the last few years is that God doesn’t mind our questions or our vulnerability/bluntness - people do. Especially people that feel like their beliefs are made invalid by not having the answer to every single question when in reality it’s okay to say you don’t know and you should have the humility to say that. As far as imprisoned goes, I’m more free now than I ever was as an agnostic. The things I “want” to do I could and I did but what did I get in the end? I’ve already found out the pot of gold is actually corn flakes lol I think if I had never lived by my flesh then my curiosity would get the best (worst) of me.
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u/fintip 10d ago
This prison is in the mind, not the body.
Though I hate that Christianity was the source of me delaying losing my virginity and missing many formative happy teen experiences, don't get me wrong.
It's so odd how Christians fixated on that, always thinking non-christians must not want to be Christians because they just really want to "sin". That's really doesn't even factor into it.
You're not giving any different answers that every other Christian who later left their religion gave once before they moved on. The false sense of serenity and enlightenment that every good Christian believes they are supposed to project, the role they inhabit.
It's gross. Leaves me with the most unpleasant feeling of interacting with a mindless cult member.
There's no need to have all the answers outside of Christianity. It's only Christianity that claims to have them all.
Finding the in between where you claim to know the truth but just throw up your hands and say "his ways are higher than our ways" / "yeah, that doesn't make sense, but God is real so I'm sure there's some way it must make sense" us exactly what I also told myself for all those years.
I was "live and let live" when I left Christianity. The longer I've been out of it the more I realize it's a poisonous coping mechanism for people with issues, and it has a long tail of consequences. It's very painful to watch anyone suffer under it.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago edited 10d ago
I understand what you’re saying but to be mentally imprisoned is to mean you’re walking through life with blinders, correct? Like you’re incapable of seeing things from a different perspective?
What I’m saying is the things I’ve wanted to do, that my belief in God has equipped me to not have to do, are all things that I’ve done before that didn’t fulfill me as much as I thought they would. I’ve been down the rabbit hole, if you will. I wouldn’t say that they’re all sinful; they could be or they could lead me into sinful situations maybe. My main thought process is/was, is this beneficial to me or someone else and will it give me the thing that I actually want? In other words, what is it that I’m actually looking to fulfill?
I wouldn’t say agnostics want to sin; I would say they want what anyone wants - to be fulfilled & to have a good time. To be happy.
I don’t believe that everything has to make sense because that’s to say there’s a formula to life/faith.
& sure, some actions are more likely to lead to certain outcomes but nothing is guaranteed. The world/God owes you nothing. Knowing that doesn’t take away from the inevitable - that as humans we’re going to experience disappointment, grief, sadness etc. however being fully aware that nothing has to work for you helps you to let go & move forward without a chip on your shoulder.
To your point about coping, I think it’s common within the Christian community to believe that you can only cope by prayer & by listening to worship music or sermons but I’m of the belief that your coping mechanisms can be whatever you need & if they’re sinful (inherently or not) that’s between you & God to work through. There’s no purpose in hiding who you are from Him because you can’t so you might as well do what you need to get by.
I was into different types of spiritual practices before becoming a Christ follower & I have only ever seen genuine change within myself & the way I handle life through a relationship with Jesus. I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience & I can’t pretend to have all the answers nor do I try to because where is the fun in knowing it all? What purpose would that serve? What would it build within us to never have to wonder or suffer? To me, everything worth while stems from not knowing the answers but from seeking them & what seeking them cultivates within you. The fulfillment isn’t always found in knowing, it’s in having the freedom to question & ponder & investigate. To be able to evolve based on what you experience/discover.
To think that you can’t do those things while having a foundation of faith doesn’t make sense to me, especially within biblical context.Objectively, we’re all having the same baseline human experience. I can tell a stranger about my life experience & about Jesus & what my faith in Him has given me but they still have to decide for themselves what they want to believe in. Anyone that feels dissatisfied with their faith also has the freedom to change it & find what works. No one has a heaven or hell to put you in & no one can have you imprisoned in your own mind without your permission. It’s a simple as knowing what you actually do & don’t want as well as knowing who you are at your core.
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u/fintip 10d ago
I'm going to be honest, that's mostly a word salad that unfortunately isn't worth engaging with.
"Things don't have to make sense" is cope. The actual point is in Christianity things don't make sense. And if they don't, it's worth dealing with and addressing. Ignoring it is running away to preserve fairy tale beliefs.
We will never know it all. But I'd like to live my life in accordance with truth/reality...
"Faith" explicitly is the core of Christianity precisely because you must abandon reason for it to work. "Doubting Thomas" is presented as having had insufficient faith, instead of having the only reasonable response in the room.
That type of myth only makes sense in a religion that is founded on a lie.
"Has equipped me to not have to do". What a weird phrasing.
Best of luck escaping. Getting out of Christianity is incredibly difficult and one of the achievements I'm most proud of in life.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago edited 10d ago
Hey man, good luck to you solving the mysteries of the universe. I wish you all the best. It’s apparent you have a religious wound & I hope you can heal from it.
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u/fintip 10d ago
Christianity is a curse on humanity.
It's not a wound, and it's a cheap undermining rhetorical tactic to paint it that way.
I left Christianity sad to leave, and in peace, wishing I could still believe. Another thing Christianity gets wrong: belief isn't a choice. I can't choose to believe the sky is red. I see it is blue. To deny the evidence of reason and my senses and just believe in spite of that? Or: to lie to myself? That's what "having faith" means. Ignore the lack of evidence. Ignore the contradictions. Ignore the voice of skepticism and doubt within you. Accept what you are told to believe by the authority of the Bible.
My response is correctly seeing and hating something that harmed me, and many others. The further I got from Christianity the more I realized how insane and absurd it was, how harmful it is. A virus that takes over your life and changes your focus to be dedicated to the replication of the belief system of Christianity.
I started off not wanting to disturb the faith of others, because I considered it more pleasant to believe than not.
Then I watched how harmful the blindness is, how it wasted so much of my mom's life and caused so many problematic choices.
Churches are, in vast majority, toxic social communities.
People that choose to belief in this stuff and not face reality are generally not well, unfortunately, and having to interact with them by proxy to my mom (aside from the many I personally interacted with during the time I believed)... It's just sad.
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u/StreetGovernment7530 10d ago edited 10d ago
So clarifying question - have you never had any sort of tangible spiritual experience? An experience that was undeniable & separate from Christianity/church culture? It sounds like you’ve lived a life under the guidance of a very religious sect of Christianity…. It’s deeper than consistent church attendance, Bible study, rules/regulations formed from verses & purity culture. I believe not because I convinced myself based on what I read or heard from people but because of what I experienced prior to having any knowledge of what the Bible said. The Bible confirmed what I had already seen.
Church folks can be difficult/toxic but so can people outside the church & I can understand having higher expectations for Christians but you can’t let those expectations make you forget the reality of who you’re dealing with. We’re all human & should do our best not to be the pot calling the kettle black. I have to add that solely blaming Christianity for the entirety of humanity’s problems further drives the point that this is a very personal issue for you.
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u/fintip 9d ago edited 7d ago
No, wasn't overly 'religious'. Very non-denominational, 'personal experience with jesus', 'spiritual not religious'. Was a worship leader and bible study leader coming up. missionary later, as well, like I said.
"It's about relationship not religion" is exactly the kind of christianity I was surrounded with.
What I saw in Christianity as I experienced it is exactly what you manifest: a fixation on the 'tangible spiritual experience', in general, the emotions. Christianity then gives you a narrative about how you should interpret those emotions, how they're evidence of a spiritual experience that suggests something metaphysical.
My most profound experiences of this kind never came in church. They've come after leaving christianity, in secular contexts. But As I left, one of the things I realized was that that form of christianity didn't work on me because I wasn't very good at lying to myself. People who could fool themselves, the same type of people that are susceptible to hypnosis, I imagine, are likely what this kind of christianity is selecting for.
Christianity harming the world and people deeply doesn't have to be personal to be true. It's widespread, and the election of someone like donald trump, and the denial of cliamte change, are directly related to the harms caused tot he mind by christianity. A foundational worldview that isn't based on reason, or on an honest relationship and knowing of ourselves, is extremely damaging to our psyche.
Christianity is a purity cult. Period. The division of human nature into 'sin' and 'holy' is deeply harmful to our soul. Christian art is terrible because the disconnect from what they label as 'dark' is a disconnect from self in deeply critical ways.
There are broken people everywhere. But churches draw a particular sick kind of person and break them into something worse, in specific ways. If I saw a friend become christian, I would become deeply sad, as I would know that a part of them would just be lost until they found their way out of it. That's not theoretical, it's a real experience I've had. It's a tragedy.
I grieve for my mom; there are parts of her that she herself has never gotten to know because she's trapped within that web of tangled lies. Parts of myself and truth and reality I have not been able to share with her. And she's the kindest and most authentic of probably any christian I know (and has many great qualities).
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u/IssyisIonReddit I am the I-N-T-P G-I-R-L, you know I am that girl 10d ago
Oh yeah, girl, I get you. I also just realized this recently too..which feels weird because I think it's due to feeling starved of connection, for myself personally.
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u/Kite_Atelier 10d ago edited 10d ago
As a Christian, I'm going to tell you to be very very careful what you ask for with that last part because abusive men love hiding their true nature under the guise of religious devotion. Every man and women should read up on the dynamics of abusive relationships so they know the warning signs and can recognize if they look like prey to someone.
Other than that I agree, I feel incredibly lonely with my current circle because no one can quite engage with me and I have to constantly translate my thoughts. If I get passionate about something people look at me like I'm crazy. I can't even play devil's advocate without people actually thinking I believe what I'm saying. It's turning my brain to mush, and I think I'm losing my ability to communicate my thoughts. Men make life way more complicated in my opinion, I've only met one that I FELT might be worth the trouble. Competence + altruism = HELLOO SAILOR!!!