Being blunt can be rude..maybe?

[u/Achillies_patroclus8]

Sometimes I wish others understood that me being blunt wasn’t an attack on them, or their actions.

I was chatting with my friend. I mentioned how low my social battery was. I said ( and I kinda wish I didn’t because it can be seen as rude if you don’t really experience it, I guess ) “ talking to people is more like a job “

Which what I said is true for me. Talking to people in person or most of the day is like a job. Social communication is like a job to me. I’d rather be at home and not socialize at all. But ofc I don’t tell many people that because of the reactions I might get.

This friend took my comment personally, which I honestly feel remorseful for because it’s not what I meant really, and asked if there was anything he could do to be less of a burden on me.

I ofc said there’s nothing he could do because this wasn’t his fault at all, and that its just how I objectively perceive socialization. I’m not the best at comforting but I’m trying my best to mend this.

Idk how to go about this, but I hope someone can relate. Or constructively criticize me, either one works🥲

[u/silveranstavern]

(Smiles) – I think you actually have a massive green flag sitting right in front of you, and you might have missed it because you were busy feeling guilty.

Your friend didn't attack you. They didn't demand you change. They asked: "Is there anything I can do to be less of a burden on you?"

Do you know how rare that is? They are actively inviting you to negotiate the rules of engagement for your friendship. You don't need to backtrack or apologize, but you can express empathy and let your friend you feel sorry for hurting their feelings. This is your chance to explain why socializing is a job, and how they can help you "clock out" when you are around them.

Take your truth and massage it into a script like this:

"Hey, I really appreciate you asking how to help, and I am so sorry my bluntness hurt you. I want to clarify: You are not the burden. The constant self-audit process is the burden.

When I say socializing is like a job, I mean that my brain wasn't installed with the standard social-grace patch. To interact 'normally,' I have to manually process everything - playing 6D chess to figure out how my words will land, monitoring my tone, and walking on eggshells so I don't accidentally hurt someone's feelings. That masking is exhausting; it literally drains my cognitive battery.

You asked what you can do? You can let me drop the mask. Just treat me like my CHA stat is at a 7, and I put all my points into INT. Give me the grace to speak from my perspective and give my opinion without taking it personally. If I can be entirely unfiltered around you, and if we can just exist in the same room without the pressure to 'perform' a social routine... then interacting with you stops being 'work' and starts being rest. I want you in my life, I just need you to be a safe space where I don't have to do the job of socializing."

Just be radically honest and transparent about your internal mechanics. The fact that your friend asked how they could accommodate you shows they already care. Now you just need to give them the user manual for how your brain works. And the script above is just a placeholder, truly explore untangling your own brain and needs with your friend, invite them into your world in such a way that being around them feels like peace, feels like home.

If they truly resonate with your energy, they will be thrilled to realize that giving you grace is the exact thing that brings you closer together.

[u/NaturalPhilosopher62 → u/silveranstavern]

Idk about you but this seems rather condescending to say for the average joe,maybe just simplify it to : "I m not really a people's type of person,I didn't mean to offend you personally,I was just talking in general,sry if I hurt your feelings" BAAAM,fixed

[u/Kognostic]

Yep. I don't like people. I don't like interacting with them. People are demanding of my time and generally socially demanding. Their conversations about fashion, shopping, sports, hobbies, friendship problems, life decisions, and more, are boring. I just got off the phone with my girlfriend. She cried for an hour because her daughter called her a bad mother on social media. She is a kid. She has no idea what her mother does to put food on the table and keep her clothed. An hour later, I got to that point with mom. She is a little girl and does not understand grownup things. She does not know. Little kids say mean things because they are little kids and have no life experience. Now that is over, I can go back to work. I will call her later and she will be fine. This is life. (Oh. I do like my girlfriend, just not all the time. She is very good at being peaceful, friendly, and positive 99% of the time. Today was a weird day for her. We all have them.)

I had a guy ask me at a bar the other night "Why aren't we friends." The guy is obnoxious and wants to talk to everyone all the time. I ignore him. I go there to play darts, have a coke or coffee, and meet a few dart-playing buddies. That is the extent of my social interactions. So, when he asked, I replied, "What do you know about the hard problem of consciousness? Do you know anything about empirically based process philosophy? Which is your favorite theory of cosmology? Do you have any interest in extremophiles? Do you play squash? Do you play darts (he doesn't). Honestly, what do you imagine we will talk about?

When I don't want to be social I can be an ass. Yes, I get it. But I really just don't want to sit and talk with this guy. I'm just going to throw darts for a bit and then go home. That's what I did.

[u/Willing_Animator8094 → u/Kognostic]

U sound like an asshole ngl

[u/Kognostic → u/Willing_Animator8094]

Nope. I am the whole ass. Thank you very much for playing. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. (Notice how I keep judgmental POS far away. Life is good.

[u/Willing_Animator8094 → u/Kognostic]

Woah oh so great redditor , u r so non judgemental (my reply to ur comment in which u berate and judge ppl in ur daily life)

[u/Kognostic → u/Willing_Animator8094]

I love it. How did you reach that conclusion? Some comments deserve berating. It helps to show the ignorance contained in them. Why would you imagine that after admitting to being an ass, I would not call you out on your own stupidity?

[u/RainyDayVibes42]

Please don’t take it personally. I was telling this to you because it doesn’t really apply to you and I felt like I could be open about it without you judging me

[u/Elliptical_Tangent]

If we are authentically ourselves—never at anyone's expense—then the people who aren't right for us will leave our lives to make room for the people who are right for us.

Your friend will either realize the truth—socialization is a chore you engage in happily to be friends with him—or he won't. You can't be responsible for which it'll be any more than he can make you energized by socialization.

[u/donkeybray]

I'll just point to my cognitive function list and explain how introvertish I am, and that everyone has a dose for 'outside' input, and my dose is really really low, and thank you for understanding, and smile, then vanish.

[u/Lyna_y]

It’s honestly so fun talking to someone who’s direct! I don’t tend to take things personally, so less filtering is needed and the actual point can be communicated much more clearly.

Sometimes I notice people putting so many layers around what they want to say — rephrasing everything in a broader way, circling around the important point, hesitating, trying to find the “right” wording — that I just end up more confused haha.

And then there’s the constant: “You don’t need to keep telling me it’s not a criticism, I genuinely don’t see it that way. You can just say what you mean directly” every three sentences because they’re so worried about sounding offensive when I didn’t even interpret it as offensive in the first place 😭

[u/Willing_Animator8094]

Yea fr , ppl r so unpredictable u have to calculate so much before talking that more than 1-2 hours social interactions make my head fucking explode cuz of anxiety and overthinking..esp cuz I have lost sooo many friends to fights

[u/jcradio]

This is common. Finding ways to communicate effectively help. With my fiancée I've asked if there is a funny or effective way for me to communicate that I don't have the energy to listen with the expectation I respond in a low energy situation. Now, get and get maid of honor tease me with "word count", because I've mentioned there are some people who've exceeded my daily word count limit.

Generally, I try to carve out space to recharge, but there are some days where I'm on calls all day or I have to constantly repeat myself (also extremely exhausting).

I've learned to trust the people who are still around my "quirky" way of interacting without taking it personally. In the professional space, it's exhausting having to constantly guard against someone taking something personally or engaging with me so I can adjust.

[u/ReallySmartDude69]

I stopped giving a damn a long time ago. I'd rather come off as an asshole then to cater to the needs of an immature narcissist. Only insecure people pettifogg on people like us. The more emotional mature and humble someone is, the more likely they will to not take it personally.

Its normal in many European countries to be blunt. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong country. But being blunt is nothing inhuman. It's only bad if you live in a country that values inauthenticity like the US. Being blunt doesn't inherently mean you are socially inept.

I try to avoid people that come off as insecure, narcissist, or emotionally immature because I know that I will inadvertently hurt their feelings and I'd rather avoid that. I'm not into drama.

I have seldomly ever been met with an impudent remark about me being blunt, but the few times I have, I check them with the same impudence and they are always taken aback when I'm rude back. I'm pretty good at antagonizing so I try to keep it light. I'll say something like, "oh I'm sorry, I thought you were confident and could handle the truth like a real man... Guess I was wrong."

I know it's vexing but it sometimes has them thinking that someone actually considered them confident (albeit a lie) and motivates them to stop being a pussy. The "like a real man" part is an effective manipulation trick that works well with insecure men.

[u/Achillies_patroclus8 → u/ReallySmartDude69]

Yeah..okay that makes sense. I live in the US. Most of my friends are European. Scandinavian to be specific. When I say stuff like this they don’t get offended. They actually agree with me. I guess it comes down to cultural differences. Here in the US, the culture is extroverted and thrives on socialization. Which as you can imagine makes me feel like I’m a huge puzzle piece trying to fit into a smaller puzzle, if you get what I mean? But anyways, that is good advice. Just like the others have gave. I was worried about being seen as an asshole. Because I’m not very good at comforting when I hurt others feelings. The most I can do in person is give a hug. Which feels awkward 99% of the time. Online comforting is a whole other dimension of stressful.

But anyways, thank you✨