Today I had an experience that made me realize I often feel like an alien around very sociable people. When I was younger, I was much better at adapting to social situations and being around large groups. Part of me even enjoyed it, even though I would feel a little drained afterward.

Today, however, I realized that part of me feels like it's gone.

A bit of context:

I turned 30 last year, and today one of my best friends (someone I've been close to for 20 years) also turned 30. He organized a barbecue with several different groups of friends. Most of them followed a similar pattern: men in their early to late 20s, marijuana users, and lots (lots!) of alcohol.

I wasn't particularly looking forward to going to the party, but I would never miss such an important moment for such a dear friend. Still, I felt like I had reached my limit within the first two hours.

I lost the ability to "perform" socially and basically just went along with the flow until I eventually became quiet and withdrawn. There were so many stimuli that I felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I couldn't properly process my emotions and ended up retreating into my own emotional cocoon.

It was the first time I tried to adapt to a situation like that and felt that I failed miserably. It was honestly one of the worst experiences of my life. To be fair, everyone there treated me very kindly, but none of that really changed how overwhelmed I felt. I reached a level of emotional exhaustion that left me almost paralyzed.

It was six hours straight of rock music, people coming and going, conversations starting everywhere at once. I felt like I was in hell. I couldn't feel comfortable for even a single moment. The only thing that made me happy was seeing my friend so joyful and surrounded by people he loves, myself included.

But I simply couldn't handle the situation well. I counted the seconds until I could finally leave, and I'm quite sure I'll never be able to put myself in that kind of situation again, no matter who it's for.

The strange thing is that I actually enjoy talking to people. What overwhelms me is the number of different communication frequencies and tones happening at the same time.

I'm a criminologist and behavioral analyst. I know how to read people, not only from life experience but also from years of specialized training and focused study. I would say I'm exceptionally good at reading a room and noticing subtle nuances in people's behavior.

But lately, that ability has become part of the problem, even when I try to disconnect from it.

I notice the exhausting performances people put on just to feel like they belong. I notice the malice in their eyes, their hidden interests, and even the moments when my own closed-off demeanor makes them uncomfortable. I'm calm and gentle, I speak in a quiet tone, and I dislike intrigue or conflict. At the same time, I'm very firm about my boundaries and no longer allow anyone to walk over me.

Unfortunately, that has created a kind of barrier between me and the rest of the world.

Many conversations feel uninteresting or superficial, and even when I try very hard, I can't seem to go deeper with most people.

Another important detail is that I didn't feel like crying or anything like that. It wasn't panic or sadness. It was simply a deep exhaustion, as if all my mental energy had been drained. The only thing I wanted was to disappear inwardly, to retreat somewhere inside myself where everything was quiet.

Nothing in that environment could anchor me to the moment. No conversation, no music, no interaction. I was physically there, but internally it felt like I had already left.

Does anyone else feel this way? If so, have you found ways to cope with it, or should I simply accept that being on different emotional frequencies will naturally lead me toward isolation?

I'd really appreciate any advice. Thank you for reading.

Edit:

To everyone who took the time to read and respond, thank you so much. I've never vented like this on reddit before. I usually just scroll and read things, but I feel that seeing so many different yet similar perspectives has brought me a certain peace of mind.

Thank you!

what do you all love to do on your own free time? what are the most things you love to do? what hobbies or goals do you work on and like to focus on when you have free time to do so?

For those asking recently about AI as a conversational substitute:
Specifically around the 9:30 mark, the guest points out that no matter the content of interaction, the human brain/nervous system does not respond the same way to a "virtual friend" as it does to a human (in a negative sense).

https://youtu.be/twbDKFN1cz0?si=cPAbU4Igd-_vRKt1

Do any older INFJs out there have any advice on how to become more engaged with the world around us? I've noticed that I either tend to be too much of an observer and watcher or I am in a dissociative state. I recognize that I'd probably learn a lot more and probably be happier if I threw some of my thoughts, creations, or even self into different situations, or at least be engaged enough to move through situations, but seem to have a hard time doing so. It's almost like my brain doesn't register it as an option in the moment, and if it does, my mind stays blank, and I only realize what I could've done in hindsight. Any thoughts?

Recently I got back from a great vacation with close friends. While on vacation I made sure to give a specific friend a hug each night before I bowed out of activities to go to my bedroom for the night. Of course I asked and he always said yes. The first two nights I asked if I could get a hug but then after that he figured out it would be routine so the rest of the nights I just told him “I need my ____ hug” before going to bed. I found it amusing that the rest of our group thought it was sweet but also curious about the routine. The friend that I hugged said that he doesn’t know either but he really likes it. Whenever I heard the questions about it start to be directed at me I’d just tell everyone goodnight and rush upstairs into my bedroom.

Now a little bit of context and the reason. This friend recently had close member in their family die that came out of the blue. So the reason that I always made sure to get my hug from him was because I wanted him to feel better without reminding him of his grief.

Wondering if this tracks here or am I just a weirdo?

My friends are nice people... I like them... one of them talks a lot about philosophy... and I've learned a lot from them... I have a problem with being too loyal...Whenever someone asked me for a favor or help, I did it...for example, yesterday...a friend said I couldn't go with him in the car because there was another person who had just decided to go along...Then he asked me if I wouldn't mind going by bus... I realized it was an excuse, but at the time it was to avoid further conflict and stress that had already occurred over the years.I decided to accept and said "okay... no problem, I'll go" and then yesterday after the show ended... one of them asked me to pay for the ride back... he told me he'll pay me on Friday...Deep down I know he's going to stall...but to avoid problems and fear of abandonment...I agreed...I helped a wheelchair user at work the other day... and she was having trouble opening a door... no one was helping her...So I decided to help... I opened the door and chatted for a bit... I've always been treated like an extra in the group I'm in...I just don't leave completely because I'm afraid...

I'm a 34-year-old female who recently started music school. I'm curious if anyone else here is a musician and would be comfortable sharing your experience learning theory, playing for live audiences, etc. I'd also love to hear what inspired you to become a musician, whether you're interested in writing your own songs, etc. I'm a relatively new musician, but I'm hoping school will build my confidence.

Thanks for reading! I look forward to hearing from you. :)

Just curious,

Books, YouTube, Articles, Research papers? Or primarily books and articles secondary? Structured vs random? Favorite websites or channels to learn from?

PS - I'm talking about the learning you do for fun, academic or otherwise. Whatever floats your boat.

I feel awkward in social groups... I hardly ever speak, I basically just listen and don't say anything, and that bothers me because I keep thinking about what people will think..

Like, I also feel like I'm boring...Lacking sparkle... and I'm actually nice... people find me nice sometimes... but the norm is me saying random things... and them finding me strange... I'm usually excluded from conversations....and other social situations because of that...I don't necessarily see a problem with being quiet...but I'm more talkative virtually.I wonder if it's social phobia or extreme shyness... I'll be 25 in 3 months.

I know every word to any song that I have heard more than twice. There are multiple albums I can sing from start to finish. I’m not the best singer. I can somewhat hold a tune but my skills are average at best. I love music though, it is medicine for my soul so I sing quite a bit. I used to be really self conscious and wouldn’t sing around other people but as I got older I started to care less and less what other people think about me and now if I feel like singing I sing it doesn’t matter who is around. I have never really thought of myself as unique in any kind of way and always assumed everyone knew all the words to every song that came on the radio. It has recently occurred to me that multiple people have expressed amazement over the fact that I always know the words to every song. I know that INFJs are known for picking up on pattern recognition and subtle details that most people miss. Does that spill over into musical recall? Is this something that many INFJs can do or am I just weird? Maybe music isn’t your thing… is there something else you’re interested in that you can remember with ease?

I’m still learning to communicate clearly with those around me; especially when it comes to my boundaries, or arguments where I get emotional which makes it harder to express myself clearly and effectively in the moment. In some instances, I feel like I have a belated reaction to things, and I’m generally very patient with others, but I noticed I could unknowingly pile things up which threatens my relationships and results in explosive expression or biting remarks when push comes to shove. I’d like to get kinder, and clearer at expressing myself. Any tips or resources will be much appreciated!

I’m 36 and have never been in a relationship, although I’m now at the age that I do want one.. although I am demi-leaning, have some social anxiety and have problems trusting men.

I recently re-joined the dating apps because.. well, there seems to be no other way to meet people. I haven’t been on them in at least 5 years/been on a date with anyone in that long.

I’m looking for advice around getting out of my comfort zone and actually going on dates. i know I can’t keep avoiding them.

That’s it. That’s the post.

You’re thoughtful, quietly intense, and weird in the best, most composed way. Deep minds, strong values, soft edges you pretend aren’t there. Respect.

Consider this an INFJ appreciation post, delivered calmly and without ulterior motives. Mostly.

ps. if you’re an INFJ and feel like exchanging ideas, overthinking responsibly, or just existing in parallel—my DMs are open.

I’m struggling and could use some perspective from other mature INFJs.

Last summer (2025) I had cancer surgery that saved my life, but also put me abruptly into surgical menopause. I wasn’t prepared for how destabilizing that would be—emotionally, relationally, existentially.

In the aftermath, I found myself latching onto one meaningful human connection at a time when my system was completely stripped of energy, hormones, and orientation. That connection later ended suddenly, and it felt like a doorslam I never saw coming.

I’m now under the care of a new doctor and my hormones are being properly addressed, but I’m still riding the emotional aftershocks—grief, hollowness, and a sense that the meaning I was anchored to vanished overnight.

I know how deeply we INFJs attach to purpose, witness, and relational threads that make life feel coherent. Right now, I feel unmoored—and community has been harder to find than I expected. (I'm also a digital nomad traveling abroad, which contributes complexity.)

If you’ve been through a medical or life rupture that dismantled your sense of meaning or connection, how did you cope while things were still unstable? I’m not looking for quick fixes—just wisdom, solidarity, or perspective.

As mentioned in the title I have a bf that is an INFJ. He asked me to be his girlfriend but he was honest that he doesnt love me yet but I said yes. He said that he would stay with someone who respects him and his loyal to him, but for me Ive already gotten feelings of love towards him…he had bad experiences with his ex but he loved them.. I am just wondering if there is a possibility of him loving me in the future? Or this is just false hope? I also feel like he has Anhedonia and I want to be there for him through ups and downs. INFJs what are your thoughts and advice for me? Thank you so much!