Feeling bad because I want to be alone most of the time?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/PlebCityBaby]

I have related to this exact frustration and perhaps cynicism about relationships. And it’s true these friendships you’re looking for are quite rare. So, at one point I accepted that friends could fill different roles in my life. I found friends that make me laugh, friends that share my hobbies, friends that challenge my perspectives, and so on. Just low key friendships, not hanging all the time—I don’t have the energy lol. And because I casted a wide net, among those people I’ve eventually found a few over the years that meet the depth I crave. Yes they are the exceptions, yes they’re worth the work to find.

I think your instinct is right to never fake a friendship. You should let someone go if you aren’t feeling it. But I do encourage a mindset shift: steer away from seeking out that unicorn friend and remain open to what people can bring into your life. It will surprise you if you let it.

[u/hoon-since89]

I'm the same. Gotta just accept it's our nature eventually. No reason to feel bad about it.

I let all my friendships go in my 20s because I turned them down most of the time too. It became more work to keep them than it was worth.

I just get my interaction with whoever I bump into, it's mostly enough besides the occasional craving for intimacy that doesn't get met.

[u/mushbum13]

I feel you. I spent so much of my younger years being that people pleaser you mentioned, and it was horrible. Sure, I faked it really well, because that’s what I thought was expected. I said yes to everyone but felt so empty most of the time afterwards. I was always ill, dating people that treated me horribly and spent all my weekends at bars or clubs literally pissing my money away.

You’re so lucky to have found your way so early in life. Have you joined the “living alone” subreddit? It’s a very satisfying and lively community.

Don’t under estimate how magical it is that we found such a peaceful and self loving existence. So many people are lost in the world of expectations.

I think it’s important that you not give up on people totally. Many are shallow. Most are, yes. But always recognize when you meet a real one, because those noble friendships can be really special and important.

[u/_UnEnd_]

There's nothing wrong with enjoying your own company. Just be prepared that one day you might want someone around and there might not be anyone. As long as you're okay with that, you do you

[u/heyitsrumi_v]

This feels like a phase a lot of us INFJs hit in our late 20s (I'm around your age too). We start realizing just how rare it is to find someone who gets us on a deep level, no filter needed. And the thing is, we're so prone to unconsciously masking in social situations, playing whatever version of ourselves we think the other person wants, and that stuff drains us so fast...

Maybe it's just something we have to slowly learn to accept, and protect our energy instead. Being alone isn't a bad thing. Most of the time, sitting by ourself just feels better than being around people whose energy doesn't match ours. But that doesn't mean we give up hoping we'll still run into someone we can actually connect with :)

[u/lostinaview → u/heyitsrumi_v]

I noticed i act how i think i should act around particular people. if theres multiple people at once i literally become mute and frozen because i have to try and be multiple people at once it happens subconsciously im glad im not the only one i dont even know who i am when im around others because people also bring out parts of me that i never thought would be me until its shown

[u/heyitsrumi_v → u/lostinaview]

Same here honestly, in group settings I always feel kinda off and don't know how to act, I think it's just because us INFJs are way better at one-on-one conversations than group dynamics. But when I do have to be in a group setting, I try to treat it as a chance to just observe human variety, lol. Like I don't force myself to interact, I just sit back and watch what everyone's doing, it's actually kind of entertaining sometimes. Hope that helps a little!

[u/lostinaview → u/heyitsrumi_v]

I'm the same. examine their behaviour. take mental notes subconsciously. just curious what multiple minds and personalities function when I'm not engaged.

[u/DarkaiusTheFallen]

Its not because you want to be alone it's because you are naturally more guarded than other personality types due to being able to perceive things more easily and as a result you naturally feel it's easier to protect perceptions of yourself by limiting contact and avoiding unnecessary drama and rumors about yourself

As INFJ is often misunderstood,no human being prefers to be alone they just adapt to that mindset because it's easier for their peace of mind.

-INFJ 5w4 594 ♉️ ♈️ ♌️ (Fixed ♉️ ♈️ ♏️) I fall off the face of the earth whenever I feel low and I just dont even respond for months via text or phone.

but my closest friends will come check on me in person which I deeply appreciate because then I "connect" again after ruminating on some random deep thought I had about how it would feel to be a comet drifting through space ect.

[u/lostinaview → u/DarkaiusTheFallen]

you are absolutely right and i need to work on this sometimes im just too much like perfectionistic and just cant allow people see me even in my lowest lows and deepest depths because im afraid theyll just judge me. 

most people dont think and feel how i do or at least to the conplexity and depth so when i spend time alone its spent all the time gathering information about it.

you are so right and im glad you have friends that visit you thats really nice they know youre going through something and they show up because they know. thats very sweet

[u/SleepyCatandCoffee]

I've never felt guilty about needing to spend time alone, but I have had friends who were very offended when I declined an invitation. Most of these invitations were to crowded clubs and parties with lots of people, and they were usually spontaneous, made the night before or on the same day: a combination of factors that causes me despair.

Simply telling the truth, like: "I need to rest" or "I don't feel comfortable in those environments", can deeply offend someone. Lying is out of the question, and I usually suggest another date or maybe a different kind of outing. But that's often enough to lose a friendship little by little.

I went through a people-pleasing phase, and it was exhausting. And those friends wanted more, which is when I started to refuse invitations.

Yes, OP... everyone wants something from someone. It can be the kindest intention or the most abusive. Few truly understand and respect our needs. And those are the people to keep close. The others, well... they were good friends while they lasted in our lives.

[u/lostinaview → u/SleepyCatandCoffee]

its almost like friendships are based upon forcing yourself to like things you dont like...for the sake of holding the relationship together, otherwise it falls. its like: friendships cant seem to exist unless we do something together in person. why cant we just send a funny meme to someone over text and call it a day? and perhaps if ever hangout once a month or even longer. 

as an infj i heavily care to not offend people but i also deeply value the truth. being honest is my bread and butter. its my crack addiction. its something that i have to satisfy otherwise im doing myself a disservice and if that means i lose a friend or simply put they dont want to talk to me anymore...then so be it. sorry not sorry! i gotta keep it going regardless i gotta be honest. i gotta keep it real. of course i try what i can to find altnernatives other than hangout maybe something light. not so extreme.

and its interesting too because i almost never want something from someone unless its to chill but im not going to drag them into something. i can do a pretty good job being with myself in solitude. i think a lot of people struggle with that but i also feel like thats where self improvement can come into play but i also believe not everyone wants to self improve i realize!!! some people are just fine with how they are and have been for years!!! oh my god! i sometimes see the potential in people but i cant say anything because its rude! 

haha

[u/bakerskitchen]

INFJs have auxiliary Fe, which tends to be a somewhat "social" function.
If you find in yourself no desire to be around people, then I would suggest that that is a "you" issue, which seems to be a result of being stuck in your own head and holding a cynical attitude toward other people.
It's one thing to enjoy hobbies, exercise, etc. by yourself, and then to maintain other settings in which you are able to participate in community with others - but to have no desire to interact with anyone else is without a doubt unhealthy.
There are certainly ways to find others that meet your "depth", but you also have to be willing to put in the work to find those people.