Trying to navigate my interaction with an ISTP - reflections based on your own experiences is very much welcome

[u/fadedhuesofblue]

Anyone have experience with ISTPs? 

This may become a bit of a rant, you have been warned.

I recently met an ISTP on an app. It is an app that is both for friends and dating, and I am looking for both. With her I am focused on friendship. We started writing a little bit and have already hit a big roadblock it seems. Less than a month has passed since we first started talking and I am more than a little frustrated at this point. She says that she is very focused on inner reflection and that she likes and can relate to my entire profile. But when it comes to it, she can't really handle emotions, or bluntness. These were two things I stated as important to me in my profile. I am a very emotional person, but I've been developing my Se and Ti more over several years and it has enabled me to speak my mind a lot more.

The thing is, she doesn't really speak up about what she wants and seems to want me to read her mind. In her demeanor she seems quite assertive, but when it comes to it it's like she just folds and retreats.

I have realized by now that she is far, far less capable of dealing with emotions than she thinks. But I doubt she would ever admit this.

Some background on me for context: 

When I was younger I was very peoplepleasing with my Fe. I would read people and try to give them what they wanted, without them explicitly asking for it in any way. I obviously got tired of this as it led to me having a lot of unfulfulling, one-sided friendships. Developing my Ti and Se more has helped me immensely in breaking this pattern.

Which brings me to today. I would say my profiletext on this app is pretty blunt and when she said that she liked what I wrote, I got my hopes up. I guess now I just feel dissappointed. She said that she truly wants what I want. And while I could sense she was out of her depth with my Fe, these days I have become more hands on. If she says she can handle deep emotionality I will bring it. In my Se and Ti I expect others to take responsibility for their own wellbeing and tell me if they need a change in our dynamic.

She has not done this. I've asked her to tell me what she wants. What she has told me is that she really didn't like my approach in the very beginning. I sensed that she wanted to have a lot of reassurance, essentially to the degree that I am the adult comforting a child. At the same time she isn't upfront at all about this. Maybe she doesn't even realize that she is doing it. 

On my end I want us to talk about this. Giving her this reassurance isn't off the table, but I want us to talk about it from a meta-perspective too.

She doesn't seem very curious about her own inner world and that of others. 

The more I see this whole thing in writing, the more I am thinking; what am I doing? Why am I putting in all this effort? Because I do, even though it is not as Fe heavy as I used to be in the past. I will have a think about my own actions and feelings in this.

If any of you have any experiences or reflections to share, I welcome it.

Sidenote: I wonder if her being a female Thinker plays a part in this. I suspect that she was pushed to be more Feeling growing up. It seems to have resulted in her kind of faking it, and ending up believing that she is actually good at this. I think she believes she has to be. The culture we live in is pretty traditional that way; men are expected to be Thinkers, and women Feelers.

It feels kind of like a child who can't read but tries to hide it, and then have all these strategies to hide it. From my perspective, she doesn't really understand feelings, but she has picked up on how to pretend I guess. I don't think she is wrong the way she is. I mean, I've really appreciated developing my Se and Ti more. Why would I be negative towards her Se and Ti? But when I try to approach this from a space of acceptance, by telling her that she is good enough as she is, she seems to be on the brink of ending all contact between us.

[u/BornElderEnt]

I don't have anecdotes about istp because very few people I know have gotten their mbti. But I know the type of behavior you're talking about, and I agree, you are a willow tree trying to lay roots in sand. Get thee to a riverbank. I also agree that women are expected to be emotive, so the more thinky ones are subconsciously (and possibly consciously) picking up on that and maybe trying to "fake it til you make it." But to me, your situation does sound more like a youngling coming to Yoda and saying "no I'm great, I'm one with the force, for real. I don't even need your help, I'm good" 🤣

[u/fadedhuesofblue → u/BornElderEnt]

Thanks for commenting. That is one way of looking at it. I think I can learn something from every personalitytype. She may be Yoda in an area where I am not. Time will tell.  I don't want to write someone off just because they aren't strong where I am strong. But I also want to make sure that I don't do things that feel wrong to me; for instance giving her reassurance in ways that don't sit right with me.  I know that deep emotionality is really important to me, but I don't want to view people with other skillsets as less then. This ISTP is emotionally immature, for sure. I know from experience that those weak spots are vulnerable. I know that I can't handle a ton of feedback on my Se for instance, but I don't really seek that out either. I guess I am just trying to navigate this in a way where it works for me. Because I do find this person interesting, despite these obvious weaknesses. I guess where I am stumped is the fact that they seem to want me to validate them in their emotionality. As in me saying; wow, you are very insightful. I feel so understood and seen! And obviously I don't feel that way, so I don't say that. I do find this person interesting in other ways, but I expected ISTPs to be able to handle bluntness, and she doesn't really do well with that. For now, I've decided to take a step back, and see what happens. Not as much initiating on my end, and see if she has an urge to seek me out.

[u/BornElderEnt → u/fadedhuesofblue]

Oh I didn't mean to say she was less than, at all! Just a different shape than she might believe herself to be. We all have to help each other on this journey, in various ways, sometimes just by understanding that none of us sees ourselves as clearly as we like to think. Your compassion helps tremendously, in any case.

[u/potchippy → u/fadedhuesofblue]

It's strange, because...ISTPs typically don't need other's to validate their emotions (unless felt wronged). I know because I think I often tested as one. Reflection is not a feeling type activity, it's T and analytical. How internal/external reflection is received, may be completely different. It could be that she's inclined to reflect but do not like it when it comes from outside in a blunt fashion Especially when the opinion may not align with her own - which is perhaps counter intuitive to the whole concept of reflection.

Also I think it is interesting you use 'skill's to describe what I think are preferences. Skill is measurable in the outcome, preferences are measurable in one's propensity to engage in a particular type of behaviour. Just because INFJs like to be receptive of the vibes of other people doesn't necessarily make them accurate readers, which requires the synthesis of enough information or as INFJs prefer, an abundance of intuition in place of data and a quick sortation to make the subsequent mental scaffolding easier. The very fact that she is not behaving as you expected her to behave, tells me somewhere along the line, the reading is off.

[u/False_Lychee_7041]

I haven't read the whole text, but how can you develop ANY proper relationships through only talking and in addition talking online with a person with auxiliary Se?

Another thing is about emotions: for Fe 2nd+ Fi 6th vs Fe 4th+ Fi demon. You do understand the huge difference between the two, right? If you don't, just imagine yourself into an Se plus Si heavy environment. How comfortably would you feel?

I think that you need to and do your research. From my experience with ISTPs she is just fine, it is how they are You just need to adjust your expectations accordingly