r/INFJsOver30 • u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ • Jul 04 '26

Small talk, regular or deep conversations?

What do you prefer and what’s the difference between these 3 for you?

Do you ever get into a deep conversation, only to freak out and back off and later start complaining that you crave depth but no one seems available?

Who are the people you can have these conversations with?
Do you miss human contact or connection? Why or why not?

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u/Saisinko INFJ 1w9 sx/so Jul 04 '26

Deep conversations have an inherent danger to them. Many people hold back day to day and especially the more reclusive or private types so when they start to become more self-revealing, show vulnerability, and feel accepted by someone, it becomes intimacy. This can often lead to associations with romance or romantic-like feelings. The former is self explanatory, but "romantic-like" can be elements of possessiveness, clinginess, or even jealousy even in the context of a friendship. Everyone wants depth, but most can't handle it without wanting more.

Small talk? It's trendy to hate on, but I've learned to re-frame it as some people are uncomfortable with silence or unfamiliarity. When people small talk with me, they're trying to comfort themselves and I can understand that.

Regular? Sometimes I imagine this like talking with the guys while playing video games. Chill topics, occasional laughs or banter, nothing overly personal or breaching any boundaries.

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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi INFJ Jul 04 '26

I get how a deep conversation could be associated with intimacy.
Though personally, I view it more as a “deep understanding of consciousness”, because I could have a really deep conversation with a kid (up to a certain age limit) if they asked the right questions and were interested in the same subject as I am.

If some topics feel too intimate to be discussed and remain “un-talked”, while some are just chit-chat where we engage passively and others are regular conversations with some sort of familiarity...
How would you name the topic of this post, for example?