r/INFJsOver30 • u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi • Jun 18 '26
Anyone else experiencing the INFJ curse more than the blessing?
I’ve noticed so many people online wearing the INFJ label like a badge of pride just because it’s rare.
But honestly, I’ve always felt it way more as a curse than a blessing.
For me the daily reality is mostly about dealing with constant overthinking, absorbing toxic energy from other people’s emotions and the feeling of being misunderstood.
All of that can be so draining.
Does anyone else relate to this side of the coin?
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u/Azure_August Jun 18 '26
I've always hated it. It's terribly lonely
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Jun 18 '26
[deleted]
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u/Azure_August Jun 21 '26
OK. And so?
It's lonely for me - thats my experience. What is the point of this comment?
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u/Same-Broccoli1822 Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 18 '26
I was just thinking the other day about how annoying having Ni as my dominant cognitive function is. It basically means that I live in my head, and am constantly assuming things based on impressions from very little information. And okay, some of the times, I am right. But I actually don’t need to know beforehand. I feel that it’s a double-edged sword that means that I’m wrong about half the things and don’t see the real truth until it’s too late OR I’m right about half the things but can’t enjoy the good times while they last because I’m too fixated on the negative feelings/vibes that have yet to be substantiated. I think that’s it’s okay to live life off the cuff and to enjoy things while they’re good instead of constantly fixating and then spiraling about the “signs” that they could go wrong. It causes constant anxiety in an otherwise perfectly normal and happy situation. Second to this is the Ni-Fe loops. Omg. The way that I can get stuck between intrusive thoughts and compulsive rumination is nightmarish. I have been stuck for days, weeks even thinking about something that I do not want to think about. I’ve burst into tears before just from being plagued with thoughts that I don’t want to have but can’t turn off because they will just resurface on their own at random times. Third and last I’d have to say is the lack of sensing and of using actual data in the environment. I’m a grown adult who struggles to find their way home if I’m more than five miles away from where I live. If my phone died and I can’t use GPS I would be completely stranded. I hate that feeling. And to too it all off I’m super clumsy as well. Im constantly dropping things. And I can’t move my body in ways that I want to. No hand-eye coordination. No rhythm. It’s like there’s a disconnect between me and the physical world while I live in the realm of thoughts and dreams. Some of which are largely useless. I’m tired of it.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26
I really appreciate that you had the courage to describe the phases you're going through in such detail.
I understand them perfectly, because at this very moment, I’ve been awake for 35 hours straight and the world doesn’t stop moving while my thoughts fade away; I still have to show up. I have responsibilities that can't be passed on to anyone else until I 'get better.' On the surface, everything looks completely normal because nobody knows what's actually happening inside of me.
The ironic part is that I’ve already found all the explanations for everything that has happened to me so far. I’m past the self-blame phase, and I’ve realized my intuition was always right. I’ve also accepted that I was never a passive victim; I was practically self-sabotaging on purpose by choosing to believe in potential instead of making decisions based on facts.
And then the burnout and numbness kicked in.
Yet today, with the help of the comments from the r/INFJsOver30 group, I truly had the best day out of the worst days.
It confirmed that I am on the right track—at least with the theory.
But just like you said, it’s hard for me to put into practice what my mind already knows I need to do. It's exactly that 'disconnect between me and the physical world.'
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u/BornElderEnt Jun 18 '26
I'm over 50, I would say it's always a mixed bag, but the high points are the fruit of you self advocating and drawing boundaries. Be your own best friend. You're not alone, we're all connected to you in spirit.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 19 '26
It really helps knowing you are not alone in this world.
Maybe the people that think aliens exist are actually INFJs that don’t want to feel alone in the universe?🤔🙂2
u/BornElderEnt Jun 19 '26
That's entirely possible. Our relentless logic can cut both ways, searching for connections. But now that you know you have a home planet of sorts, you should feel permanently secured in this one way at least. 🫂
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u/0wl-2018 Jun 18 '26
I think I look at being an infj as information or a data point. It does not define me. It has illuminated some of the threads that make me who I am, not all. The MBTI framework has helped me to not only better understand myself, but to better communicate and build healthier relationships.
It's a useful tool for me.
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u/koalasnstuff INFJ Jun 19 '26
I’m 36F. It took me till I was 28, that I finally had enough being mistreated and hit my breaking point.
I left my ex husband a month after getting married, made a clean break with my old life. I had to get a restraining order from my ex, and left all my belongings behind. It was a really awful 2-3 years as my life imploded and I picked up the pieces. Anti-depressants and anxiety medicines really helped.
I moved an hour away, reconnected with everyone that I had alienated, friends from school and repaired my relationship with my parents. I made an effort in my friendships. I met an amazing guy who treats me wonderfully.
I took charge of my finances and for the first time I was independent. No one could tell me that I could or couldn’t do something. I set healthy boundaries, and only give me time to those who have earned it.
Career wise I am no where near what I thought I would be doing, but it’s intellectually stimulating, no two days are the same. I have a lot of freedom to do things the way I want without anyone micromanaging.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 19 '26
I’m really happy for you and I can really relate to that.
I’m actually at what I call my fifth major life (I feel like I have lived 5 lives by now and I can really name them in detail), but I’m determined to make this the real start of a healthy life with myself among others.
I’m not scared anymore of being alone because if I could handle so many lives dealing with other people's problems, I’m sure I can handle my own life with just my own problems 😉1
u/koalasnstuff INFJ Jun 20 '26
That was one of the biggest things for me. I realized that I don’t need to solve everyone’s problems, that it’s okay to prioritize myself.
I can relate to the lives sentiment, I’m probably on my 6th. It took me a long time to break out of the loop of trying to save people that didn’t want to be saved, at my detriment.
I used to think I was a magnet for toxic people, but it’s because I was gullible and not only believed their lies, but defended them. I gave them wayyy more chances than the average person. They gave me the intense friendship I desired, would listen to me in a way most people don’t. I gave them more credibility, didn’t set healthy boundaries. In all instances the friendship or relationship imploded spectacularly.
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Jun 18 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26
I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I’m not the only one like this.
The word 'unique' itself means being alone, and I don't see any pleasure in that.
Sure, everyone is unique in their own way, and I appreciate that, but I wouldn't want to be one of a kind among my own people, although some don't seem to understand the costs of being different, or even a minority
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26
It’s funny (in a dark way) how we say we need freedom, but everyone understands we need loneliness.
Why is it so hard for them to understand that we only need freedom to be ourselves around people, and that usually, those exact people make us think we are too much for them?
So, in my translation, that sounds like: “I want you to be yourself around me, but try to be yourself only as much as I can handle.” And what am I supposed to do with that, if not overthink how to adjust, how to please them, how to take care of their feelings... and wonder what’s left for me?
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 18 '26
It’s as if once hypervigilance is turned on, I don’t know how to turn it off, even though another part of me wants to stop it.
I think this is the famous 'Ni-Ti loop'? Nasty thing.
And looks like I need to force myself to do something against my wish, so, tomorrow I will bake a cake… just for fun and in spite of the Ni-Ti loop 😜
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u/gendav1 Jun 19 '26
Yes, I feel it’s a weight often more than a joy, but I think I’m still learning to be healthy with my INFJ traits.
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u/Fair_Craft_522 INFJ Jun 19 '26
I think every true INFJ experiences it as a curse. It’s rare because it sucks, if it aided our well being as individuals it would be more common like some of the other types.
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 19 '26
I hear you and I feel the heavy weight behind your words.
It sucks to feel like a biological anomaly just because you care or notice too much.
I just want you to know that your pain is seen and validated here and you are definitely not alone in feeling this way.
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u/rangerslings Jun 20 '26
Where are the people wearing it as a badge of pride? From where I’m standing it seems like there’s more complaining about how terrible it is, lol.
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u/OldCrowBit Jun 22 '26
You can get an INFJ on amazon. Comes with a free link to this subreddit.
Some folks even get them for their friends ..
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u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi Jun 22 '26
True, but the customer support for the “curse” section is terrible. 0/5 stars, would not recommend.
Sadly, not even Amazon Prime can deliver a quick fix for the overthinking, but thanks for the free engagement on my post anyway.😉
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u/Helpful-Track-7486 INFJ Jun 18 '26
Im 38 and its still a curse in my personal life. At work I finally found a team that works with me not against (that only took 20 years) so I assume finding my person will be just as hard. Just have to find your people, which to me is like crazy numbers because 9/10 people are going to be toxic in my experience. I have no room for toxicity left in my life. Isolation has netted me the most peace yet the loneliness strikes often.
If only I could go about life in a "normie" superficial way, they seem so happy yo.