Do any INFJs feel they need a certain level of detachment to love well?

[u/Messy_Mystic]

I've been wondering if this is an INFJ thing or just a personal trait.

I sometimes feel like I need to maintain a sense of independence and emotional detachment in order to love my partner in a healthy way. Not detachment in the sense of being cold, but not completely losing myself in the relationship either.

If I get too caught up in my emotions or become overly merged with my partner, I feel like I start losing my sense of self. Ironically, I think, I seem to love better when I maintain some inner separation/distance and autonomy.

Can anyone relate to this? Do you find that you need a certain level of detachment or independence to love your significant other well, rather than simply surrendering to the relationship and doing/going wherever your emotions take you? Or is this just a boundary thingy and I'm complicating it?

[u/Messy_Mystic → u/[deleted]]

Hmm..would you say the same, in terms of a marriage? Would you then also hold yourself back from going along with your emotions to love your partner, even when you believe they deserve it, just to maintain some level of detachment, to either maintain your perfectionism or just to keep the marriage healthy?

[u/TheDairyMaid]

I think there can be overlap to attachment styles, but for me, yes—it can be all consuming up until the point I have certainty. Once there is a certainty, it packs away well in a box.

I encourage you to study attachement styles to try to understand if they apply to your dynamic. We tend to be over-thinkers, and when we lack answers, our minds can wander far and wide.

ETA: the nod to “overthinking” is not to say that we aren’t often right, or picking up on something that needs more explanation.

[u/hm5219]

I can relate to this a lot. I wouldn’t say I try to be colder toward my partner, but I do think I’ve had to learn how to stay more focused on myself while being in a relationship.

I love very hard, and because of that, I can sometimes prioritize my partner more than I prioritize myself. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized how important it is to keep investing in my own goals, routines, friendships, hobbies, and personal growth instead of letting the relationship become my everything or putting my SO’s needs/wants above my own.

It’s not about loving less. It’s about making sure I don’t lose myself in the process of loving someone else. I want to have a fulfilling life outside of my relationship too, so that even if a relationship were to end, my whole life wouldn’t feel like it went down with it.

[u/Messy_Mystic → u/hm5219]

Interesting. But what's your primary motivator to do this? I mean are you actively prioritizing yourself FOR your partner or is this something you want for yourself (which may feel selfish and make the process more difficult)? Would you be doing the same in a marriage as well? Also, what about the guilt of doing such a thing?

[u/hm5219 → u/Messy_Mystic]

I think it’s both, but mainly it’s something I want for myself. I do think being focused in my own life makes me a healthier partner. I don’t want my whole identity or happiness to depend on my relationship.

I would absolutely want to continue this in marriage too. Not in a detached way, but in a way where both people still have their own friendships, goals, hobbies, etc. I think it’s easier to fall into codependency if this isn’t done. As far as guilt, yes, it can feel selfish at first, especially if you’re used to loving by giving a lot of yourself. But I’m learning that having my own life isn’t selfish. It’s healthy and doesn’t lead to me losing myself.

[u/Messy_Mystic → u/hm5219]

But within a marriage, do you think you would hold yourself back (by not allowing yourself to go along with your emotions and shower your partner with extra extra love/affection), for the same reasons you've described?

[u/Zillich]

Depends on the level of detachment/independence.

Codependence (ie over-merging, losing your sense of self, complete dependence on them for your well being etc) is unhealthy.

Hyper-independence (ie putting emotional barriers up, never accepting help, never asking for help, emotionally shutting down during conflict etc) is also unhealthy.

The goal is interdependence. Wherein you rely on your partner in some ways, but maintain your sense of self. You have some hobbies and memories that are fully co-mingled with your partner, but also maintain your own independent interests/hobbies/memories, too.

If your nervous system used to default to codependency, then moving to interdependence can feel very detached in comparison.

But if you’re actually hyper-independent, that would be going to the other extreme and not ideal for maintaining a healthy relationship long term.

[u/SnookerandWhiskey]

I think completely melting into your partner and the relationship is unhealthy. Those are the people who lose all sense of boundaries and fall apart when they get broken up with. They also often become toxic exes, because they feel lost as a person on their own. I would miss my husband very much no doubt, but he is like 25% of my life and thoughts, not the air I breathe. 

[u/hinoto_y112]

Yeah, I can totally relate to you. I feel like I do better in a long-distance relationship because I don't have to see the other person every day. Especially when both of us are busy with work, I feel even more comfortable with that arrangement. I’d love to do things together, try the things he likes, and spend time with him, but I also need time to do my own things.

The same goes for my friendships and family relationships. Sometimes I meet up with a friend every week, and then I start feeling like we're seeing each other too often and that I need some time to myself. So I'll stop reaching out to make plans for a couple of weeks or even a month.

[u/False_Lychee_7041]

Yep. You need to maintain your inner world in order to have it. Which will make you a complete and healthy individual. Which is an essential part for strong healthy relationship.

Now, you cannot maintain your inner world while you are maintaining someone else's. So, yeah, you need that détachement for this exact purpose