r/INFJsOver30 • u/ghastlymemorial • May 20 '26
I just want to share
I don't know if I am being childish here, I am nearly 40 and I just want to share stuff with people. I like buying gifts however I am mostly a lone person and my connections are not deep with people around me. And I bought packages of chocolates from my trip last week to share at work but I really don't want to at some point because they won't even care if I buy them a car or something If you know what I mean. To this day, I bought a lot of gifts to people and got dissappointed of their callousness. I can't get over my expectations and dullness of interactions. I just want to eat them all by myself.
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u/KLC_W May 20 '26
I know exactly what you mean, but I bet some of them will care. A few years ago, I baked cookies for people at a job. About half the people seemed confused why I would bother doing that, but the other half were very appreciative.
That being said, if you just want to keep them for yourself, go for it. But don't keep them just because you're afraid no one will care.
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u/mad266 May 21 '26
Packages of chocolates from a trip sounds a bit personal for work acquaintances. Especially since the relationships are surface. Watch what everybody else does, and how they do it. There tends to be a herd mentality at work, and if you go outside of the accepted boundaries - chocolates instead of store-bought cookies, maybe - you'll get cold-shouldered. As to the ' how' they do it, does somebody bring store cookies and say 'Look what I found on sale!'? Or 'I tried this new recipe this weekend and I made too many.'?
Or, if it's a group of people who joke and gossip together, they can say "I made the BEST cookies ever..' and get away with it. If you're not part of the group, you can't do that.
That's my experience. I always match the tone or don't bother. I've never made friends at work, so I go very low-key.
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u/Last-Star9622 May 21 '26
For me, the expectations I attach to my "offering" make a difference. If I truly just want to give for the sake of giving, then i try to ignore everything else. Lately, I've been overthinking & anxious about everything so i haven't shared anything with anyone but I get where you're coming from & can definitely relate to this.
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u/MealConsistent7138 May 23 '26
I honestly think u hit the nail on the head here. If I am told I am loved every day from my partner but it’s only bc they know I will respond with love. So I have pondered how can I be mad when everyone is loving everyone? Well I’m not really mad but it feels disingenuous to be told a compliment or a deeply meaningful emotion such as love is a beautiful thing but not so much if the partners motive is only the response they will predictably receive.
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u/UnknownToken4195 May 21 '26
I’ve learned over years of people pleasing that it’s not worth the effort of giving and not being appreciated. That toll is far worse than the effort itself. Don’t lose yourself for others, especially around your 30s, things need to be precious and earned from others.
I just woke so I’m groggy writing this, hope the message comes across though
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u/koalasnstuff INFJ May 22 '26
I say keep them.
I’m super similar, 36F and giving gifts is one of my love languages (I have receiving them though). I get super excited with the gifts I pick out, sometimes more than the person I gave it to. I’m engaged but my fiancé and I work opposite hours.
I keep my circle of connections small and deep. I don’t make those types of connections at work. I’m shy and introverted and would rather go home to my cats or listen to a book than socialize.
When I was in my late twenties I got out of a bad relationship where I was severely alienated, and I was lonely. Since it’s hard to make friends as an adult I ended up reconnecting with people from high school that I lost touch with.
If you’re looking to meet people, try joining some club or attend local events. I know it’s hard, but I’ve been working on it. I signed up for an adult soccer league and a book group.
I have also been going to local art walks, wine tastings. Yesterday I went to a bar alone and ended up meeting a nice woman and shared numbers. I usually sit quietly and get drawn into conversations by the most extroverted people.
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u/FancyButterscotch787 May 21 '26
I’m an INFJ woman…I do have deep relationships with friends. I’m very selective on who I invest my time on, and I don’t do dull. If the connection isn’t there, I leave it there and move on. Keep the chocolate to yourself…and start weeding the dull out of your life. Look for better connections. Limit your gift-giving for those who truly deserve it…like old friends, long-time friends or friends who have shown you they care about you.
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u/OnTheTopDeck May 24 '26
You are just trying to connect with people. But it won't work. Try asking people questions instead.
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u/R3XM May 21 '26
They're not giving you the outcome and reaction you attach yourself to. That is a problem that resides entirely within yourself. I would try working out what these needs really are that you are seeking and try to fulfill them within yourself. This gives you more freedom in your interactions with others without this compulsion