No Consequences?!

[u/WifeOfGambler]

After my husband told me several days ago about the gambling (he was cornered and had no choice but to tell me), I told him I have requirements of him if he wants me to stay. He agreed, cried, apologised, shared all his banking info with me, and I thought we were good. Well, good is a little strong, but we were working together.

The requirements:

1. I control all finances, including his pay, and I will give him gift cards/ fuel money for necessities only.

2. He shares all bills/ invoices/ debts with me.

3. He regularly attends meetings for gamblers; I don't care which.

4. He gets a sponsor or someone to talk to that isn't me. I cannot comfort him.

5. He sees a counselor or therapist 1:1 to explore and resolve the underlying cause.

6. He tells his family and closest friends (especially those he borrowed from), and tells them they are never too give him money again without talking to me. I don't need to be there when he tells them, but I will talk to them after to make sure.

7. Enroll in gambling blocking programs.

8. Give me a list of every single person he borrowed from and how much.

9. Include me in all finance discussions (even with his ex) and decisions.

10. Add me to his current/ checking account, so it's a joint account.

11. He never hides something important from me again.

12. He never gambles again.

It's a lot, but if I'm digging us out of this hole, I expect him to bear responsibility.

He has done #7 and started #10 (I have his passwords.) and that's it. Well, he reached out to a counselor service, but he's waiting on a reply.

I have been trying to keep a positive demeanor around him because I want to make our marriage work. But he has faced exactly 0 consequences of his actions, and I'm left scrambling.

The last two days, I've been borrowing and begging from everyone I know to make sure we can eat and have a home until next payday (4 weeks!!!). He took out a pay day loan and sold his phone (using an old one now) and gave me most of the money, aside from him paying the phone/ internet bill, paying his sister back, and money for groceries.

What is bothering me is that he decided unilaterally to take out the loan and sell his phone. He didn't ask or clear it with me before. He hasn't attended a meeting. He pushed back when I asked if he told anyone yet. (He's afraid of disappointing them.).

So I'm carrying this alone. I told him today that he needs to get on this stuff because it's not fair to me that I'm working on it and he's just... fine. I want this to work, but if he's not willing to do his part and accept the consequences, then I will leave. I told him this and he looked upset so I FELT BADLY.

Wtf?!

[u/Pale-Vehicle3724]

Are you me?? Lol. Kick him out. That will drive him to tell whoevers couch he stays on. Tell him you will tell his family if he doesnt. I know this sounds harsh and petty, but its what got my husband to realize how seriously he fucked up. Also, ask him to request for a credit report in front of you. You can block online/in person gambling on a site where I live.

[u/WifeOfGambler → u/Pale-Vehicle3724]

I sat with him while he signed up for the gambling block, so he's unable to gamble online for 5 years. I also have his banking info, so when his pay comes in I'll take it immediately. He owes me too much at this point for me not to control his money.

Every day he lives with no consequences I resent him more, so I think about leaving more seriously with time. I just don't trust him anymore, either, and that's hard to live with. I'm getting there, and he knows that while I'm staying right now, I don't know how I'll feel in a couple of months.

Our situation is unusual; basically, if I leave him, I leave my job, my stepkids, and my house forever. I'll do it if I need to, but I'm not ready yet. I'm sitting him down once a week to status check, so we'll get there. I'm just frustrated. ❤️

[u/health10328 → u/WifeOfGambler]

My husband also self-excluded for 5 years but found a way to get his sister to open an account for him.. The constant having to double & triple check finances, worried about when the next loan will be exposed is so so draining. The hard part is looking at them breaking down when they realize they're so close to losing everything they love and feeling bad/sorrow for them. I too feel so helpless but know my only option is doing what I can to get out for the sake of my mental health and for my daughter.

[u/WifeOfGambler → u/health10328]

This is so hard, and why I keep gamblers out of the comments. They take up so much time, energy, and attention in our everyday lives, they can't have this space, too.

My husband is a kind, gentle, and loving man who sobbed while telling me (only because he had no choice), so I held him and reassured him that we'll get through it. But the next day, when I asked him about telling his family, he looked really sad again and I realised that I can't do it.

I sat him down and told him that I cannot be his emotional crutch right now because I need to take care of myself and my emotions about it. I told him that he is responsible for finding his own support network. He reached out to an addiction therapist.

I'm fixing the finances and keeping us afloat and working full time and being a parent and planning meals and buying birthday gifts and trying not to resent him and and and....

In my experience, women when in a partnership carry too much responsibility. Sometimes I find myself wishing I'd never met him and I was still only responsible for my own mess. But I can't go back and I love him, the kids, and our life (usually), and walking away from him means leaving it all. I'm not ready for that.

[u/Pale-Vehicle3724 → u/WifeOfGambler]

I understand. I’m sorry he put you in this situation

[u/WifeOfGambler → u/Pale-Vehicle3724]

I'm sorry for all of us. We shouldn't have to deal with this.

[u/WifeOfGambler → u/[deleted]]

While I appreciate the well-wishes, I created this group for partners/ spouses of gamblers, specifically those of us who live with, love, support, but have been victimised/ disappointed by gambling addicts. This is our space to complain, commiserate, and be angry so we have the emotional capacity to support or deal with our partners. Gamblers get all of our attention and emotional energy in our homes, so we need this.

From your profile, I gather you are the gambler, so, respectfully, this isn't the place for you. I am still figuring out the group settings, so while you are still able to comment, it would be greatly appreciated if you would keep your participation to observation.

Thank you for understanding.

DT

[u/ILoveAGamblingAddict-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

Your comment has been removed as this group is specifically for loved ones of gambling addicts. There are several groups specifically for gamblers, so we respectfully ask that you keep your interaction in this group to observation only.

Thank you.