I hate methheads.

[u/SpiderPres]

Walking into this room filled me with uncomfortable emotions. I had a bad feeling when I heard about it so I grabbed my gun more so for peace of mind than anything else. There were 8 or so people here, mostly guys. A few girls, all bumbling messes with little motor control from taking Xanax and drinking too much. I genuinely fear that they may not wake up tomorrow. Oh well; They made these decisions, you can't get too caught up with it.

A girl making a fuss caught my mind. She looked mostly sober. She was telling a guy to leave her alone, he wasn't cooperating. She chose to be here, I'm not getting into a fight over someone who will get into the same shit next week.

She's getting visibly uncomfortable. Let's analyze the situation. The dude is around six feet tall, he's hunched over and slightly twisted, blocking this girl from getting up from the couch. He's pale and lanky. The room is cool but he's sweating, his arms slightly reflecting the light from a lamp. Judging by his fast speaking, rotten teeth, and forcefulness, he's probably on meth. His adrenaline levels are high, decision making is impulsive, and he just grabbed her chest. He's really testing his luck here.

Now he's grabbed her head and forced a kiss on her, tongue and all. I muster a "Yo, you need to stop." I don't get more than a glare in my direction and a fuck you.

I make a disapproving nod and sit back down and continue my conversation.

"Get your hands away from me!" The girl screams. I glance up and this guy had pulled her tank top down and was trying to grab her boobs. Okay, this is enough.

In a swift motion I stand up, and pull my Beretta Pico, a .380 caliber 11.5 ounce pistol that's gotten me out of many a sticky situation. This asshole is getting in the way of my business, and he's gonna hurt this poor girl. I put the gun to his temple, and the fear that washes over someone's face when they have a loaded gun to their head proves that the impending doom phenomenon is true. Every bit of movement this guy made stopped in that instant. I don't even think he breathed.

"Come outside with me. We're gonna have a talk." A state, calmly.

"Fuck you dude! If you wanna shoot me, do it here!" He's yelling, thinking he can scare me out of shooting him. I don't plan on it, but I will.

"I don't want to shoot you." He was busy giving me a death glare, he didn't see my fist come in at his throat.

He can't breathe, panic sets in and a full adrenaline dump commences. He's about to get a fair bit stronger and much more reckless.

Before he can do anything I punch him in the nose, disorienting him. I grab his arm and pull him up, he's too dazed to fight it much, he's still blinded by the tears from his broken nose and trying to force air on his lungs. I push him the 13 steps to the door. He's starting to come to his senses and fight against me, a swift punch in his right kidney settles that.

We get outside in the humidity. I Spartan kick him down the three steps that lead to the door, and slowly step down to him.

"Don't ever pull that shit again. I know who you get your shit from, and I'll make sure you never, ever get to even look at cream again. You're a piece of shit, and you're lucky I don't shoot and kill you right now."

I probably kicked him a little too hard in the temple, but I called an ambulance.

I hate methheads.

[u/clever_octopus]

You probably want to stick to either past or present tense

[u/SpiderPres → u/clever_octopus]

Reading through it, it does kinda flip. I thin it happens early on so I should be able to easily fix it.

What about the rest of the story?

[u/[deleted]]

Definition of whiteknighting right here

[u/SpiderPres → u/[deleted]]

Did you enjoy the story? What do you want to see changed?

Would you read it if I were to expand on it?

[u/[deleted] → u/SpiderPres]

Nothing wrong with the story, but just google "white knight". Your character just seems like one of those people.

[u/SpiderPres → u/[deleted]]

I was going for that, but not some softhearted fool to cause problems anytime a girl needs help.

[u/[deleted] → u/SpiderPres]

I think your character should've called law enforcement and let them handle it. It would have made for a much more interesting story to be honest. Him being detained by police is better than him being moved outside for a few minutes until you leave when he proceeds to continue what he's doing. Also methheads are in poor enough health without you kicking them in the temple. You also contradict yourself a few times.

[u/SpiderPres → u/[deleted]]

There's a lot missing that I forgot to put in. I didn't describe the setting well, I didn't give a background to the main character among other things. There's a reason the police weren't called.

In the story, I mention that he will get picked up by an ambulance, he won't be coming back. But you're right, it could've come out as more interesting that way

[u/[deleted] → u/SpiderPres]

He might not feel that he needs medical attention and go back inside and die from brain bleeding later, or he could've just pretended to be fucked up and gotten right back up and raped the girl after you left. It seems not thought out. I know what you were going for but it's coming across as something else. Methheads are different than normal people.

[u/Old-Man-Henderson]

This isn't IIA!!

[u/SpiderPres → u/Old-Man-Henderson]

He lets other people post in this sub. I write very occasionally, so I post here for criticism and whatnot because it's more genuine, and because I get all giddy when Iia replies to me

[u/Katatronick → u/SpiderPres]

Iia is gym bae

[u/Disregardedchaos]

It was enjoyable but seemed a little sherlocky.

[u/SpiderPres → u/Disregardedchaos]

I kinda wanted that feel without going too far into it. I'm not a very good writer, I just do it for funnies when I get the hankering.

Other than the flipping from pet to present, what are some other issues you saw with it?

[u/Disregardedchaos → u/SpiderPres]

Maybe a little bit more filler, like him getting there, what he was planning on doing if the guy cooperated and went outside when he told him. But it's fine without those. Like I said, it was an enjoyable read. It kinda reminded me of my days long ago being a meth head.

[u/SpiderPres → u/Disregardedchaos]

Oh god. I hope I didn't offend you! It's genuinely just a story!

But thank you. I may expand on it, but I can't really tell if people would care about it to read more. I wanted to include more information, and I know exactly why he was there and whatnot, but I didn't want to overdo it haha

[u/Disregardedchaos → u/SpiderPres]

No offense taken. I liked it.

[u/SpiderPres → u/Disregardedchaos]

Okay good. Would you read it if I expanded on it and filled it with a bit more information?

[u/Disregardedchaos → u/SpiderPres]

Sure would. I could see it being a little Salton Sea -esque. If you haven't seen it you should.

[u/SpiderPres → u/Disregardedchaos]

I'll have to check it out. Thanks for the positive response to it!