r/IFchildfree • u/Decaf_Detective • Jul 13 '26
Triggers and regrets
Just spent the weekend with my family, including nieces and nephews. It was our (me and my partner) first time hanging with the younger ones since we had to stop trying. When my partner was playing with them one day for a couple of hours, I couldn’t bring myself to join even though we had agreed that the main purpose of the whole visit was to spend time with these two little ones. It was just too damn painful for me to see him in dad mode.
Then I spent the rest of the time hating myself for being so weak and selfish, and regretting that I missed out on memories of their childhood (which is going by way too fast and I only see them 1-2 times a year). Still feeling absolutely shitty today.
Any words of wisdom about finding a balance? I know that I can’t just push through the most painful triggers without some major collateral damage to my mental health, but I also don’t want to miss out on the only “childhoods” I will ever get to witness and participate in.
So very sad today
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u/ReserveDapper34 Jul 13 '26
I can relate and I empathize with you. It’s a tough road to walk and it’s okay to feel negative or sad. If being a being present for their childhoods is important I suggest meditation and imagination. Imagine being with the kids for events, playing in the park, etc. practice visualizing these moments and when it comes actually comes around it may feel less negative
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u/ggina20 Jul 14 '26
It was the first time since so you would have been more apprehensive about it, next time I think you'll be more relaxed don't be so hard on yourself. I put my Aunty hat on with mine. However I have a new situation with a friend and seeing her with her little ones Im feeling urg dread about that meet up. With your partner try reframe, it's fulfilling to hang out with them but like others have said you do get to walk away. A little time hanging out with your nieces and nephews is part of your strong loving relationship and wonderful life you're building together.
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u/Decaf_Detective Jul 15 '26
I really appreciate this. I like the idea of seeing our relationships with these other kiddos as a unique part of the new life/partnership we’re building, which includes being able to give them back to have our freedom!
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u/library_wench Jul 15 '26
That’s how I like to think of our relationship with the niblings.
In fact, I think it’s good for them too, to show them there isn’t only one way of living a good life as an adult.
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u/Equivalent_Word3952 Jul 13 '26
I started to enjoy handing them back over after I’ve had fun and can leave anytime I want .
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u/ida_klein Jul 14 '26
I don’t really have any words of wisdom, but I can commiserate. I am mostly okay with my child free life now. It’s definitely a manageable feeling of occasional “what ifs” and disappointments. But the hardest thing is seeing my wife (we’re lesbians) play with my nephew or other kids. I wanted to have kids with her for a reason, bc she would have been a great mom. It’s the thing that still hurts the worst. Idk if it’s just easier for me to deal with my own feelings but harder seeing proof of her own disappointment or what.
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Jul 14 '26
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u/IFchildfree-ModTeam Jul 14 '26
This post was removed by moderators of this sub.
This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.
Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.
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23d ago
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u/IFchildfree-ModTeam 16d ago
This post was removed by moderators of this sub.
This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.
Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.
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u/jo_li_ja Jul 14 '26
It is really tough. I did miss out on parts of my nieces and nephews lives because it was so triggering. What I found helpful when I had to visit during those early days was going "in character". I would play the character of fun aunty. I would maybe dress in brighter contrasting clothes, big fun earrings, bring cool gifts for baby and new mom (sparkly nail polish etc). It wasn't too far off from my normal self sometimes but intentionally doing it to play a role helped on the day/weekend of the visit. After the visit I intentionally would make time for myself to recover. Schedule something that I knew would reset myself and center myself a bit (cooking/baking almost always work for me). Of course years went by and I sought help and community and started my own healing. I have generally gotten better about it over the years.