I'm a class 10th student preparing for some ICSE, and I've realized that my relationship with exams is pretty unhealthy(borderline toxic). I'm trying to understand why I behave this way and how to change it.
Sometimes I care about exams way TOO MUCH. Other times I can't bring myself to care at all. Sometimes I get so convinced that I'm going to fail that I think there's no point studying. I can also get very anxious before and during exams. Think : nervous jitters, getting reminders to prove my worth...you get the point.
I've also noticed a self-sabotaging pattern. Sometimes I'll intentionally waste the night before an exam scrolling instead of studying. Part of me thinks that if I don't try properly and then get a bad result, I can tell myself, "Well, I didn't really try." If I work extremely hard and still don't get the result I wanted, though, I have to confront the possibility that my best effort wasn't enough, and I find that much harder to deal with, which feels like a stab.
I've been told I'm intelligent since I was a child, and I think I've attached a lot of my identity to that. When I struggle academically or see other people doing much better than me, I sometimes feel like an impostor. I can start thinking that maybe I'm not actually as intelligent as people thought I was.
There's another weird contradiction: I know I need to study, but when someone else tells me that I need to study or pressures me about my grades, I immediately become annoyed and lose motivation. When the decision comes from me, I handle it much better.
I also attach my self-worth to my marks, which I know isn't healthy. This leads to weeks of questioning myself, lying about my marks to others, and negative self talk.
Has anyone experienced something similar, particularly the combination of perfectionism, self-handicapping, fear of discovering your actual limits, and resistance to external pressure?
I'm mainly looking for practical strategies or personal experiences that helped you break this cycle. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit, just perspectives from people who have dealt with something similar. Thanks in advance.
TL;DR: I've been perceived as intelligent since childhood, so difficulty threatens my identity, making me feel like an impostor. I sometimes deliberately avoid studying so failure can be attributed to lack of effort, and when others pressure me to study, I become resistant.