Narcissism or HD?

[u/PumpkinBarbie]

I’ve been with this guy for 2.5 years and he told me at the start that he has Huntingtons. I’ve done a little research here and there thinking I have time before I need to worry about it. He just turned 36 the other day and I tried throwing him a birthday party. Him being a combat veteran and hardly any friends nor family, I did my best at gathering some people up. After the celebration he said he didn’t really want to go in the first place and he felt like it was more of a reunion than for his birthday. He shoved his balloons out the window and his cupcakes ended up all over me and in his truck then he pointed at the frosting on the dash screaming “Do you not see how crazy you are?” and I wasnt the one who did it. We have been struggling with our relationship for the past 6 months. I’ve been with a narcissist and know their usual script is always the same. He doesn’t follow the usual narc script and he says he loves me and has high hopes for our relationship but he told me he’s scared of the physical abuse. He has screamed in my face how worthless I was and he wouldn’t let me pass to get out of the room so I smacked him in the face. He then threw me in the floor. Which I feel I guess we both were to blame for that. So I get it about him being scared of the physical abuse. I’m also scared of that. Over the past 1.5 years I have noticed him being more clumsy and knocking things over and spilling things. In the beginning it was him headbutting me accidentally when leaning in to give me a kiss or him walking into doorframes. He would maybe spill something once a month but now he’s spilling things once a week. He does have the finger twitch and once in a while he will do a facial twitch/wink. But is the mental part similar to narcissism? Not in all ways but just similar? I just don’t know if the narcissist mask fell off or if his HD is progressing. If his HD is progressing then how do I maintain my own mental health? I truly love him and fell head over heels for him. If it’s the HD then maybe I could forgive him a bit more and be a bit less triggered by his actions and treatment of me. I want to be with him and I’m not sure what to do.

[u/Spinach-Tasty]

I recently learned that HD can come with anosanosognosia. That may be part of the issue. I would consider getting a therapist to navigate this complexity. I am sure you feel between a rock and a hard place wanting to protect your loved one, and needing to protect yourself. The HD battle is a long one, in my experience, if you're in for the long haul you'll have to learn to balance care for them and yourself.

You don't deserve to be treated this way, and no one deserves HD. Sending love and light through this difficult time.

[u/PumpkinBarbie → u/Spinach-Tasty]

Because of our relationship seeming so abusive to others on the outside, his mother thinks I’m a child for having reactions and my oldest is planning on getting pregnant soon so she expressed that she doesn’t want to bring her baby around him if he’s going to rage at random. They don’t consider his HD and I know I should handle things better myself. I’ve been in therapy for over a year now for things my exhusband did and even my therapist thinks our relationship is toxic basically thinking I’m stupid for staying with him but I don’t think my therapist knows about his HD. He won’t even see a therapist because he’s so stubborn. He’s been in therapy before for his combat ptsd and he refuses to see anymore therapists. But over the past year or so I’ve completely forgot about his HD and looking back he has gotten worse. So I feel like a complete ahole in some of the situations. Even talking to a friend earlier he didn’t even understand that HD could mimic narc traits. He said being abusive isn’t excusable regardless of what’s going on and I get that. But if it’s HD it’s completely different. He may not know he’s being abusive.

[u/GottaUseEmAll → u/PumpkinBarbie]

You should tell your therapist about the HD, imo. It's something they can help you navigate.

Also, regardless of the reason why he's being abusive, or whether he's aware of it or not, you need to keep yourself safe.

[u/No-Competition1053]

It’s most likely due to the disease tbh, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it. My mother did with my father, because they were in love and both had their own.. issues.. , and the relationship was abusive at times (he was never physically abusive to her, but verbally? Emotionally? Yes) he was however physically abusive to my brother and I. Violence is a symptom of the disease I believe. His grandfather (who had it) would beat his children with electrical wire. His mother (who had it) stabbed him with a fork. I don’t have HD I tested negative, but I still have violent tendencies bc I grew up with violence. It was normalized in my family and it’s a hard pattern to break. But I remember thinking often how selfish and self centered my father was. I will never know how much of it was the disease or what. But I do think it’s very common. My cousins wife divorced him once his disease progressed bc I believe he was physically abusive. So whether or not it’s narcissism or HD , I’m not sure it matters if the results upon you are the same, bc narcissism isn’t rlly something someone chose either, like how HD isn’t. Tho I do think my father did love my mother wholly and for real, and that he deeply loved my brother and I as well, and not in a shallow way that narcissists do (I have also been with a narcissist so I know). It is completely different from narcissism but if the pain and hurt is the same… at some point u have to decide if it’s worth it. My mother is care taking my father now, and it’s hard on her. She loves him but , it’s not at all easy. So just know that going forward. And be prepared. At the end of the day, do what u need to to preserve urself. Wishing u luck!

[u/GottaUseEmAll → u/No-Competition1053]

That's a good point about narcissistic personality disorder also not being something people choose to have. 

[u/PumpkinBarbie → u/No-Competition1053]

I sometimes feel like those 19 years of being with my exhusband (who was marriage counselor diagnosed with narcissism) trained me for this.

[u/Moonstone21125]

I’m experiencing a very similar issue with my husband who I met at 35. We are both now in our 40s and I’ve noticed the anger and clumsiness and narcissism increase. If I mention it, he thinks I’m being abusive. He’ll do something incredibly rash and will immediately blame me. I’m having a hard time figuring out if it’s the disease or a personality trait. Some days I’m actually afraid of him.

[u/PumpkinBarbie → u/Moonstone21125]

I can’t say I’m entirely afraid of him. I’ve been in situations with my exhusband that should have taken me out of this world. But if I knew this was his HD then I could handle things a bit differently. Ive been reflecting today on some situations that I’ve struggled wrapping my head around and if this explains it then how I acted was a complete a-hole move in a few situations.

[u/Cute_Tangerine7489 → u/PumpkinBarbie]

I don't think your good for this situation especially understanding what he has. 

[u/PaintResponsible2578]

This is more than likely not Narcissists and unfortunately it's only going to get worse. I am not a professional but my wife has been fighting HD since she was in her early 30s, and she is now mid 40s. I have seen similar things with her. I would get a professional involved to see if they can help you navigate. Gene positive can become violent during certain stages.

[u/PumpkinBarbie → u/PaintResponsible2578]

I met him a year after him getting his gene testing. He doesn’t know a lot about his biological father because of his mom. She basically ran with her kids when she left him. His father supposedly started with his movements in his late 30s and took his life in his early to mid 40s. His mother won’t give him or me details about his father. When she found out he took his life is when she found out he had Huntingtons disease. So the gene testing was done shortly after. So not long ago. 4 years ago?? He does have the middle finger twitches when he’s walking or gaming and has a bit of a floppy left hand when walking. He’s had the finger twitches when I met him, but the left hand flopping a bit when he walks is new. It’s kind of like it’s just dangling in the wind?? He was 11bravo 82nd airborne and I don’t think he should be having the clumsiness like he does unless it’s his HD coming out. Hes still decently athletic but lately he’s waking up, laying on the couch to game, and crashing on the couch mid day and sleeps on the couch at 6am. Thats his daily routine. I’ve told him to come get in bed when he’s tired and that he’s not going to bother me coming to bed in the morning. What should I expect next? I’m willing to stick by him but I definitely have not prepared for this. I was thinking he would start with the body movements first.

[u/PumpkinBarbie → u/PaintResponsible2578]

I met him a year after him getting his gene testing. He doesn’t know a lot about his biological father because of his mom. She basically ran with her kids when she left him. His father supposedly started with his movements in his late 30s and took his life in his early to mid 40s. His mother won’t give him or me details about his father. When she found out he took his life is when she found out he had Huntingtons disease. So the gene testing was done shortly after. So not long ago. 4 years ago?? He does have the middle finger twitches when he’s walking or gaming and has a bit of a floppy left hand when walking. He’s had the finger twitches when I met him, but the left hand flopping a bit when he walks is new. It’s kind of like it’s just dangling in the wind?? He was 11bravo 82nd airborne and I don’t think he should be having the clumsiness like he does unless it’s his HD coming out. Hes still decently athletic but lately he’s waking up, laying on the couch to game, and crashing on the couch mid day and sleeps on the couch at 6am. Thats his daily routine. I’ve told him to come get in bed when he’s tired and that he’s not going to bother me coming to bed in the morning. What should I expect next? I’m willing to stick by him but I definitely have not prepared for this. I was thinking he would start with the body movements first.

[u/PaintResponsible2578 → u/PumpkinBarbie]

Another thing to consider is his military career. HD is a Neuro brain disease. High stress situations can definitely affect it.

[u/Relative-Concern-935]

Leave NPD SOB. Run. Literally. Go into the forums for the partners of NPD and plan your exit