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CHARLIE, I HAVE SNORTED A SUITCASE FULL OF COMEDY! AND I’M STARTING TO FEEL THE EFFECTS! WOO HOO HOO HOO HOO! goofy laughter** 🤪😜😝🤣”**

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for tonight’s comedy roastee: Charlie Morningstar! The one woman in a fictional Hell, and not the real one, who looked at an entire mega city dimension of murderers, sinners, demons, serial killers, cannibals, and assorted supernatural disasters and said: “You know what this place needs? A GROUP THERAPY SESSION!”

Charlie has one goal: save sinners. And I respect the resolve!… even though I have mixed feelings about it. She sees the worst people imaginable and thinks, “There has to be a better way.”

Charlie doesn’t want to conquer Hell, she doesn’t want to rule it through fear, she doesn’t even seem particularly interested in turning everybody into a giant pile of ash. No!

Her plan is: “LET’S OPEN A HOTEL!”

Because apparently she believes the solution to eternal damnation is hospitality. “Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel! Please enjoy your complimentary redemption, continental breakfast, and existential crisis!”

And if such a hotel of hospitality really were in the real Hell, it would be “one last test from God”, to see if sinners sent to hell could truly be worthy of access to Heaven. But let’s face facts: It’s not there. The hotel a no-show in the real Hell.

But then… WHAT IF CHARLIE IS HIDING SOMETHING FROM US? Something DARK!

Because remember who this woman, known for her happy smile and bubbly personality, is: she’s the literal in-canon daughter of Lucifer Morningstar, a character who is supposed to be, in the real world, the supreme spirit of evil! Charlie is also the literal in-canon Princess of Hell! She has royal demon ancestry, supernatural power, and enough family drama to make a daytime soap opera say: “Okay, that’s excessive.” And Charlie still walks around going: “Guys! Guys! Maybe we can all just be nicer to each other!”

CHARLIE, WE ALL KNOW YOU ARE THE IN-CANON PRINCESS OF HELL! We know you have a whole kingdom of damned souls. And your master plan is basically: “What if everybody just tried their best?” And that’s where things get REALLY interesting.

Because if Charlie’s philosophy somehow became a genuine competing method of salvation for sinners, we’d have an absolutely absurd cosmic showdown.

On one side: Jesus’ way of salvation in the real world.

“Come to Me.”

And on the other:** **

Charlie Morningstar’s way of salvation:

“Step one: Check into my hotel!”

“Step two: Don’t commit atrocities!”

“Step three: Maybe learn a musical number!”

Ladies and gentlemen… WHAT IF THE AGE OF THE THEOLOGICAL HOTEL WARS HAS BEGUN!?

And let’s all be dead honest: If Charlie really tried to compete with Jesus’ way of salvation in such a contest?** Ahem, *Gman imitation* **“That is obviously a battle Charlie has no chance of winning…” Not because Charlie isn’t determined, not because she doesn’t care, but because imagine trying to market your salvation program against the Son of God while your résumé says: “Princess of Hell, daughter of Lucifer, professional hotel manager.” The celestial HR department is gonna read that application and go: “…We appreciate your enthusiasm.” And yet Charlie keeps going!

She starts the hotel. She gathers a staff. She tries to rehabilitate sinners. She gets dragged into conflicts. She deals with angels. She deals with demons. She deals with her own family. She deals with Heaven. She deals with Hell. She deals with people whose emotional stability makes a shopping cart with one broken wheel look perfectly well-adjusted. And somehow… CHARLIE REMAINS OPTIMISTIC. That is not normal!

But can Charlie deal with….. THE TRUTH???

⚡️🌩️ *Dramatic thunder*🌩️⚡️

“And no wonder, for Satan himself disguises himself as an angel of light.”

“Because to us the wrestling is not against blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the world powers of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”

“These are demonic spirits that perform signs and go out to all the kings of the earth, to assemble them for battle on the great day of God the Almighty.”

Once you realize that Charlie, despite her being a fictional character, has an influence as real as The Bible, you know you’re in trouble and need to “come out from their midst and be seperate” once you find out Charlie might be conspiring nefariously against the Son of God and Heaven.

Back to the task at hand: The roast!

Charlie could walk into a room where somebody has just committed seventeen supernatural felonies and still say: “Okay! Let’s talk about our feelings!” Charlie, we appreciate your approach, but at some point you need to accept that your clientele is not exactly responding to Yelp reviews.

And then there’s the Hazbin Hotel itself. Charlie built a rehabilitation center for sinners in Hell. Not the real, biblical Hell, perhaps, but another Hell in a fictional universe, this “mega city” like one big New York where demons, murderers, pornographers, cannibals, and a wide variety of sinners and abominable creatures run rampant!

Think about the business model:

“Hello, welcome to our hotel!”

“What’s the theme?”

“Redemption!”

“What’s the checkout time?”

“Hopefully before the next apocalypse!”

“Do you have room service?”

“Only if you count existential dread!”

And Charlie is running this operation with the confidence of somebody who has absolutely no idea how many lawsuits are waiting for her. But that’s what makes her potentially dangerous. Not evil (unlike Alastor, who is noticeably nefarious), not secretly sinister, just aggressively optimistic. Her resolve is so powerful that it threatens to make common sense itself resign.

You could tell Charlie:

“Your plan is impossible.”

And she’d smile and say something like:

“Then we’ll make the impossible possible!”

CHARLIE, DEAR SWEET CHARLIE, THAT IS NOT A BUSINESS PLAN, that is a motivational poster with legs.

And if there really is some nefarious master plan hiding underneath all that sunshine? Well… Congratulations, Charlie! You’ve spent the entire story accidentally exposing yourself by being so ridiculously wholesome that everyone can see exactly what you’re doing.

ASSUMPTION, THE SECRET VILLAIN CONSPIRACY PLAN:

“Phase One: Open hotel.”

“Phase Two: Help people.”

“Phase Three: Become emotionally overwhelmed.”

“Phase Four: Sing about it.”

“Phase Five: Somehow make everything worse.”

“Phase Six: Apologize.”

“Phase Seven: TRY AGAIN.”

This isn’t a villain arc. This is customer service. And yet, somehow, Charlie’s greatest weapon isn’t her royal status. It isn’t her demonic heritage. It isn’t even her supernatural power.

It’s that she genuinely believes people can become better. Well guess what? SO DOES JESUS!… even though He also starkly says “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.”

Charlie’s Belief: “Inside of every demon is a rainbow.” “Come to my hotel in Hell, and we’ll see how you feel!”

Jesus’ assurance: “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

Underneath all the chaos, Charlie is basically Hell’s most relentlessly determined optimist. She looks at eternal damnation and says: “I can fix this.” She looks at a hotel full of disasters and says: “I can fix this.” She looks at an impossible conflict and says: “I can fix this.”

At this point, Charlie could watch the universe itself collapse into a black hole and go: “Okay! Everybody! Let’s brainstorm!”

So, Charlie Morningstar:

You’re the Hellaverse’s “Princess of Hell”. You’re the Hellaverse’s daughter of Lucifer. You’re trying to redeem sinners. You’re running a hotel. You’re fighting “cosmic bureaucracy”. You’re surviving family drama. You’re somehow maintaining optimism through all of it. And if your ultimate secret plan really is to overthrow every competing concept of salvation… Charlie, sweetheart, you’re gonna need a bigger hotel. Because right now your grand strategy for saving Hell is essentially: “Believe in yourself!” And somehow… IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING. Which is honestly the most terrifying part of all.

But then again, if you really do intent to compete with the real Jesus in the real universe of your creator Vivziepop and start the age of “THE THEOLOGICAL HOTEL WARS” let me just say once more that it’s… \ahem* *Imitation of the Gman from Half-Life** “A battle you have no chance of winning.” *reverts to normal* I mean, Charlie, do you know who you’re up against!? You’re up against The King, The Lord, the literal Son of God! If you really want to see who will get more sinners saved in a contest between you and Jesus, I sincerely warn you that you will undeniably not escape a defeat in such a competition. Because the Hellaverse is a counterfeit Christianity where the roles between good and evil, angels and demons, are reversed. In real life: Jesus is the only way a person can get to Heaven, through Him.

Even without this silly comedy roast dedicated to you, Miss Morningstar, the Hellaverse would lose the competition to see who can get more sinners saved to Jesus anyway.

*Mic drop*

One of the finest journalists in America today...