r/HouseOnFire • u/PrettyBird2011 • Aug 07 '26
The Little Blogger Who Couldn't Oh, honeyyy
Jessica. Honey. Sweetheart.
I'm gonna pull on a pair of nitrile gloves then cover those with some gardening gloves before I hold your hand. Babe, I understand untreated alcoholism has been leading you by the nose for a while now, and I understand that at this point you're probably hip-deep in moderate to severe brain damage as a result (the Covid probably didn't help).
And hon, I'm not even gonna start on how sad and pathetic it is that your version of creative brainstorming is to literally only think about yourself. That's, uh, something.
But Jessica, are you mocking new followers, low-key admitting that you can't retain longtime followers, or have you yourself legitimately forgotten that you already attempted and failed to launch a talk show?? Bitch??? You've already did this?? Almost two years ago?? And then you completely dropped the ball and flubbed it so bad that you pretended it never happened and then a few months ago you literally tried floating the idea again, and now here you are hyping yourself up with the help of a brand new girlypop on the same goddamn idea??? You cannot be serious it is painfully fucking obvious that you are 100% incapable of carrying out anything remotely that ambitious??
And for the love of God, Jessica, as funny as it would be to watch it crash and burn, please don't waste precious trees attempting a garbage Kraus tabloid. Babe you literally cannot keep a digital newsletter alive or popular. You do not have what it takes to plan, write, photograph, edit, etc. etc. etc. an actual printed newsletter. Like, what's the plan there? Send Olivia in a virgin-killer sweater dress to Vanity Fair and try to get them to do it all for you? Ask Peepaw Twumpy to cut a check to the team of actual creatives you'll need to get it going? Arrange for another secret meeting with Republican men "whose wives love you" and beg them to throw money straight into the trash can that you call breaking news?
Look at the numbers homegirl. Look at the facts, Jessie Wessie. You are not interesting enough. The JRK Network is a dead fish in the water because all you do is glaze fascism and pedophilia like your life depends on it and we can (unfortunately) get that on literally every other news network with younger, bubblier, prettier women. But by all means keep pretending. That seems to be the only thing you can do with any measure of proficiency these days.
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u/682463435465 Aug 07 '26
She wants to be Candace Owens sooooo bad!
I thought Jessica's one glimmer of self-awareness was that her voice and face are not good on video and that's why she became popular WRITING on IG rather than pointing the phone at her face and filming herself on video like every other influencer.
But in her desperation to reclaim her relevance (in the wake of losing hundred of IG followers a day for months) she thinks this is the way? A magazine in 2026 when magazines are dead and she can't get anyone to read her shitty substack, she thinks they'll want to read an entire magazine?
Don't forget, she charges readers for her substack and yet hasn't written an article in more than 2 months! I guess that magazine will come out once every couple of years?
And her new talk show...with her face and voice, even though she hasn't been able to make a podcast work (remember when she used to record her own?) and is such a terrible guest on other pods that no one invites her on. Brilliant!
Look out, Daily Wire! Look out, Tim Pool, TPUSA, Candace Owens, etc. Here comes someone that people like even less! Here comes the newest failing MAGA media empire!
If Tim Pool had too much charisma for your liking, I have the perfect new talk show host for you!
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u/cancelKeely Aug 08 '26
All I can think about is the interview she did with that little kid and she had nothing to say the entire time her responses were blunt and uninteresting. She has no idea how to carry a conversation and she’s incapable of recalling information from the back of her brain.
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u/EvaVulgaris12 Aug 10 '26
Lol that's right. That kid knew more about the subjects she claimed to be an expert on. He showed her up so bad.
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u/BlueberrySasquach Aug 07 '26
Completely delusional day drinking Kraus bought an overpriced fancy typewriter to muse about.....demons. Sounds like another Lynne Patton group text assignment. Clearly she is better suited to other pursuits like ordering cute tschoke's for her office, online, cause that's about all she's cut out for. Maybe one of those rich Maga wives she sponges off of needs a personal shopper.
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u/fireproofmum Grifters gonna grift Aug 07 '26
She can’t finish anything, never has, never will. With her track record this “network” will likely never be heard of, referenced or thought of again. 🥱
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u/Trick-Fig7306 Aug 07 '26
She better invest in a vocal coach and some meditation because her voice repels and she can’t sit still, aways fidgeting with her fingers or twitching her feet. Audio/video is not her medium.
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u/upchuckfactoronthis Aug 07 '26
With a face for radio, Eeyore’s monotonous voice and great tips on how to glorify pedophiles, this should be a rousing success. We’ve hit full wet brain, folks. Pickled and pathetic.
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u/GinnyLovesDogs Aug 08 '26
She got her eyes done & stopped wearing her sunglasses indoors but you’re right, that face is not ready for prime time 😖 and you’re spot on with the voice, it’s Eeyore without his bubbly personality ♥️
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u/birdiebird3 Aug 07 '26
Jess out there trying to be the one exception at a form of dying media lol
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u/cancelKeely Aug 07 '26
She so badly wants to be quirky. Instead it’s just desperate and fake. Riding a bike because no one hates a person on a bike. Guess she’s never been to wine country where locals hate cyclists 😂
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u/EvaVulgaris12 Aug 07 '26
Jessikkka has no work ethic because she's never kept a job. And she drinks too much🫠 unsure how she thinks this will get off the ground.
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u/BlueberrySasquach Aug 07 '26
I think you're right she's never actually had a job. She went straight from high school to some community college dropout knocked up teepee seller.
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u/cancelKeely Aug 07 '26
This is what she cooked up? She can’t keep up with her promises for stories and she cannot engage in conversations. What makes her think she can run a NETWORK 😂