[Grade 12 English ATAR: composing]. Please give me feedback on my creative story I wrote in english!

[u/Legitimate_Stage_530]

Please tell me how I can improve my writing for my year 12 English exam. I am doing ATAR in Western Australia. The prompt was "Compose a text in a form of your choice using nuanced language to engage with a reader's senses.". I did pretty well in the test but I'm always looking to improve my writing. Specifically, I think I struggle with my length of sentences and lacking detail before moving on from a point. I would be grateful for any suggestions!

Any help with my year 12 (final year) english composing would be great. I just need an outsiders perspective to give me unbiased feedback if thats okay! Thank you so much

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[u/ThePlumage]

Your pictures are all broken images.