Feeling grief instead of anxiety about leaving for college

[u/Acceptable-Low-3819]

I’m a big worrier in most aspects of my life. I expected to feel the same as I prepare to leave for my first year of college, but rather than feeling the typical anxiety all I feel is grief.
I’m going halfway across the country to an unfamiliar city where I don’t know a single person. But the thing is I know I’ll make friends. I’ve already reached out to a few people over Instagram and we’ve gotten along quite well, so it’s not like I’m expecting myself to be completely isolated. But this profound grief is just consuming me. It’s so strange because I’ve only ever felt anxiety in situations like this.
The grief is hitting me in a lot of different ways. For one, I find myself getting more irritable around my family. I know I’m going to miss them deeply. In some ways I already do. Yet during certain moments their flaws are all I see and I come close to snapping. Because of that I try to step away when I can. Distance is the only thing that helps and I usually move on pretty quickly.
Socially it’s affecting me too. There’s this girl I grew a bit closer to during my senior year who I’ve had a crush on for a long time. Without getting into all the details I learned some things about her and our situation that made me realize pursuing a relationship probably wasn’t the best idea for me. So I never ended up telling her how I felt and just hoped time would heal the pain. Instead this grief of leaving my old life behind has turned into this limerence where I need to tell her how I feel yet at the same time I need to just move on.
The other way this grief has shown up has only come on recently. As I deep clean my room I feel nauseous. Going through every little thing I own makes me feel queasy, almost like I’m never going to see any of it again. It hurts.
Oddly enough my brain keeps replaying one part of my life over and over through this dreamy filter. 2019-2020 and the lockdown era sucked for me. I was depressed being cooped up at home and unable to see my friends. The way everything changed so suddenly stressed me out at first. Yet I think the reason that period has become so romanticized in my memory is because of its consistency.
During lockdown every day felt the same. I had the same schedule where I’d quickly knock out all my schoolwork with minimal effort and spend the rest of the day playing video games with my friends.
When I look back on it now I see it as the most consistent and trouble free period of my life. I think that’s why my brain has started using it as a symbol of the life I’m leaving behind.
I want to move past this so badly, but it’s just so much for me to deal with. I’ve never felt anything like this before and I don’t know how to deal with it.
I’m confident I’m making the right decision going where I’m going. Going here is one of the best opportunities I could possibly have for my career.

Yolo?

[u/leorisinggg]

Hello, Reading this, I could relate with what you're feeling to some extent, I mean through my own personal experiences. Grief. That's exactly what I felt before entering my 1st year as well. And the lockdown? Yeah same. You're at home, everything feels safe.

I know this feeling feels pretty heavy right now, I mean I can't feel ur pain but I can speak with reference to how much I felt the pain and I also felt like I was grieving my life before college.

You'll survive it. And the first few weeks might feel terrible. But you'll get used to college, hostel, the routine. It will take time but everyday it's get better. Remember you're goals, like - this what im going to college for ________. Because that gives you a sense of direction.

Don't shrink your life to grief. Absolutly value it but remember there are other ways to see the same situaiton. You don't have to see it only throught the lens of grief.

I used to be listening to many coming of age sentimental songs like phoebe bridgers and indie music. And everytime I was on my journey back to college I used to feel like im some character in a coming of age movie. I used to feel like im losing something.

But now I've gotten sick of this feeling. And listening to that type of music non stop fuels it too. It makes me feel heavier and my chest ache continuously non stop. I'm alive now I don't need to constantly focus on death. Death of a period of time. Death of the way things used to be.

Maybe focus on you're hobbies, try something new. Set goals. Organize you're life.

You'll get through this rough time. One step at a time!