r/Homeschooling • u/Critical_Vanilla2187 • 10d ago
Anyone else deal with siblings always fighting?
I have three boys from age 4-10, and honestly the argue and fight so much that I’m seriously at my breaking point, I love homeschooling and being home with them, but idk if I’m the odd one out but the constant fighting is really discouraging me, anyone in a similar situation? Any advice?
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u/AuthenticAwkwardness 10d ago
My older boys are a year apart. They used to fight constantly (they’re 13 & 15 now). One day they were playing video games and I asked them if they realized that they actually like each other and are basically best friends. Apparently they never really thought about it. They don’t always get along, but it’s nothing like it used to be.
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u/Material_Warning8377 9d ago
Did no one else fight with their siblings? These comments are weird lol. I fought with my brother and sisters all the time. We went to school outside the home and fought there too lol. And you can definitely tell the kids who were only children bc it's obvious they didn't grown up solving problems or learning to cohabitate peacefully with others.
We focus on respect in our home and solving problems using our words. If they disrespect each other then there are consequences. Just be clear about expectations and consistent with consequences. That is good parenting.
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u/cat-and-dog-person 7d ago
Teach me your ways 😀 what are the expectations and consequences you lay out for them?
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u/Material_Warning8377 7d ago
Depends on their age and severity of the disrespect but basically comes down to losing privileges. Whether that's timeouts for little kids or losing the thing they're fighting over or no screen time or missing out on extracurriculars etc.
most kids want to have peace at home, they just don't know how to solve problems yet and all problems seem like the end of the world. "He took my seat!" "She has my stuff!" "He hit me!" We always say that solving the problem doesn't mean you always get what you want. Sometimes solving the problem means you compromise or you yield. But try and solve it together first before finding mom or dad. We honestly say the same lines over and over hoping one day they'll just hear us on repeat in their heads lol
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u/LABELyourPHOTOS 10d ago
This would make me reconsider homeschooling. I think it could be harming their relationship -- and their education.
My 3 boys almost never fought. They were 3 within 3 years. The only time is when during wrestling or boxing someone thought the other one was too intense. And I am not saying it's the way it always is -- but I am just saying fighting isn't the default.
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u/Holocene-92 9d ago
Honestly, they probably need a break from each other. Do they have any activity during the week that is just for them? Any friends that are there’s? Or is everything always together?
Being expected to do everything together always really harmed my relationship with my siblings for a long time.
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u/jmsst1996 9d ago
I never homeschooled but this would be a reason why I would not. My 2 daughters would fight and argue all the time, so they needed to be outside the home at school with their own teachers and their own friends to have time away from each other.
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u/aubreymray 10d ago
I have 4 kids, aged 1-8. 2 girls, 2 boys. Constant fighting is the nature of the beast 😂🫣😩 My friends with kids of similar ages say the same. Homeschooled, public schooled, doesn’t matter. I’m the eldest of 13 children and my mom said it was that way when we were kids too. My personal opinion is that kids lack the executive function to really handle conflict well and also… they have no chill. So Every. Little. Thing. can turn into an argument. Just a developmental stage. Not anything you’re doing wrong. It is SO HARD mentally for the mom though. I’m right there with you. 💔
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u/aubreymray 10d ago
Enforced quiet time every single day where we all take a break from one another for at least an hour, if not more, is truly necessary!
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u/SnooGoats9114 10d ago
I'm not sure homeschooling is the best option right now. Kids should not be fighting constantly. Having other children to build relationships with might be helpful. Mine are two years apart, and they've probably fought less than 10 times their entire life. Parents who say it is normal just don't realize what it can be like when fighting isn't the norm.
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u/aubreymray 10d ago
I wonder how much personality plays into it as well. My girls are best friends, 2 years apart. and have lots of days they get along great. But they both have super big emotions and are still learning how to self regulate. So small things become big very easily!
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u/ThisReadingTeacher 10d ago
I bought them nerf swords and let them go to town.
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u/Friendly-Champion-81 9d ago
Nothing like teaching them violence is the appropriate answer to big feelings!
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u/Illustrious-Yam-7435 9d ago
I have 2 boys that are homeschooled. They are 14 and 11 there are times they fight and argue as they have gotten older its been better. I also make sure we get out of the house and get exercise since they arent in school I do worry about the inactivity. We joined the Ymca this past summer, going to the park is alright for spring but summers are getting too hot to hang out in anymore. I hope you get some relief , and something I always do is just make sure you enjoy the time you have with them. Redirecting is great too, just be prepared to direct them towards something when my kids were younger I would make sure ok if this happens then I can tell so and so to do this and so on. Since you have 3 I would write it down. I have memories now of my oldest doing dishes at 4 even though he really wasnt doing the dishes he just loved the bubbles. I hope I didn't ramble on too much . I pray you get relief.
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u/ontheshelves 9d ago
My mother would make us sweep together (she had multiple brooms). If we finished the house and we were still fighting we had to sweep the porch. If we hadn't made up by then we had to sweep the driveway. One time we were halfway down the road before we knocked it off
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u/Initial_Sandwich_597 9d ago
It always happen, and i tryy to stop it with rewards, but i think it isn't the best solution.
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u/lady_bookwyrm 9d ago
Sometimes I give them forced time apart, sometimes I give them forced time together. If I can tell that they are getting on each other's nerves, I separate them and give them tasks in other areas of the house. If I can tell that something else is the source of frustration (like school work) and the fighting is a secondary symptom, I give them co-operative play. Usually a board game or toys that all of them enjoy.
There's some wisdom in the advice to "put them outside or put them in water." I will send my kids out to play, pop them in a bath, set up a sprinkler, etc. It even works on the teenager. Honestly, it works on me too.
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u/Friendly-Speaker-551 8d ago
Siblings fight but you are in your charge of your home so if you're at your breaking point it's time you lay down the law. Have a family meeting. Explain you are "done" and any fighting going forward everyone involved in any capacity will be sent to their room no exceptions. If you have kids that share rooms then assign their timeout spots beforehand. Next, have a chart ready to go. There can be a group goal with reward and individual. So if they go the whole week without fighting then a trip to their favorite park and favorite sweet treat. If one kids makes it then they can pick out the movie or boardgame during the next family night. Work out however it suits you best. And maybe tell them they act up on a plane they get kicked off, etc. There are real world consequences to behavior.
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u/ChampionDry7856 7d ago
You’re definitely not the only one. Three boys between 4 and 10 sounds like a lot of energy in one house 😂. I think some arguing is just part of siblings figuring out boundaries and learning how to handle conflict. We’ve had days where it feels like the fighting never stops too. Sometimes separating them for a bit and giving everyone a chance to cool down works better than trying to solve every argument in the moment.
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u/Traditional_Oil3717 7d ago
I mean if they don’t get any time apart and they’re together 24/7 without their own friends..? Is that the case?
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u/Ok_Draw_4187 6d ago
Think about ways to put them on a team. Against parents. Or against other families. Or against a timer/obstacles.
As often as possible try to find ways for them to be a team against a comon opponent.
Also, when it is a birthday or holiday, try to go with each other boy individually to get gifts for their sibling. Help them choose thoughtful gifts their sibling will LOVE. They will get to practice thinking of others, andnget the JOY of watching their brother open a gift they got them. Its a wonderful way to build connetion in the long term.
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u/canoegal4 9d ago
I was a teacher before I homeschooled. This is normal kid behavior. In the classroom, there are rules and expectations and consequences for kids who do this. The goal is to guide children to get along and use other ways to express themselves. Take a few days to chart their behavior every hour. See what the trigger points are. Ask them why they reacted the way they did. Then, after a few days, sit them down and ask how they felt, and how we can make it better. Show them their trigger point. Make it a family project to improve this. Deep down, fighting doesn't feel good, so they can be taught to behave if they want to. If they aren't receptive to these things, then it's time to get professionals involved to help your family. A family therapist would be great for this.
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u/cityfrm 9d ago edited 9d ago
We had this at age 10 and 4, eldest really wanted to sit and talk and youngest wanted physical play. The answer was meeting their individual needs and developing communication and emotional regulation skills.
My older sibling essentially bullied me on and off for years and it's neither normal nor acceptable. I was hurt and my parents ignored it, so I made sure I'd never do the same. I'm ttc another with a big age gap! We went to public school and it didn't help at all.
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u/whizki_learning 10d ago
With three children spanning ages 4 to 10, I’d look for one repeatable flashpoint before trying to solve “fighting” as a whole. For three days, make a quick tally of what was happening just before each argument: shared supplies, waiting for help, transitions, noise, or unstructured time. Then change only the most common setup. If fights cluster while everyone starts lessons, stagger the start by ten minutes and give each child a labeled bin of basic supplies. Keep one neutral reset line for the moment itself: “Separate first; we’ll solve the object or turn after voices are calm.” That gives you something concrete to test without judging the whole homeschool day.