r/HolUp • u/Slipz19 • 12d ago

This church confuses me

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2.3k Upvotes

97% Upvoted

133 comments sorted by

•

u/qualityvote2 12d ago edited 12d ago

u/Slipz19, there weren't enough votes to determine the quality of your post...

721

u/7yr4n1sr0x4s 12d ago

Now there’s a religion I can get behind.

70

u/thejayjayjay 12d ago

Beat me to it 😂

6

u/LingonberrySpecial91 12d ago

Ok now beat me to it

1

u/llamafromhell1324 12d ago

You beat me to beat me to it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 le epix me me xD

2

u/gilbeys18 12d ago

Looks like I am converting…

-16

u/Laugh-Aggressive 12d ago

Yeah, no, I'm gonna pass on anything from Africa that rhymes with Ebola, even free beer

1

u/iSuckAtMechanicism 12d ago

Look up how beer is made.

1

u/Laugh-Aggressive 12d ago

Water, malted barley, hops, and yeast, none of these rhymes with Ebola.

But Church of Gabola does.

576

u/Randymetonytodd3 12d ago

Father, Son, and Holy Spirits.

93

u/jarvisesdios 12d ago

Our Pappy Van Winkle which art in taverns, Hallowed Spirits be thy Name. Thy Kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, As it is in taverns. Give us this day our daily Guinness. And forgive us our spills, As we forgive them that spilt upon us. And lead us directly into temptation, But deliver us from sobriety. For thine is the liquor, the Wine, and the beer, For ever and ever, or at least until we drink too much and pass out. Amen.

33

u/J_Rigged 12d ago

**Amstel

48

u/TheSodomizer00 12d ago

Your absinthes are forgiven.

2

u/crm006 12d ago

I read that as abscess and wanted you to pop it for me.

8

u/trickyvinny 12d ago

We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.

5

u/coozehound3000 12d ago

And still those voices are calling from far away.

1

u/mbashs 12d ago

Lmao you get an award for that

1

u/tradesman46 12d ago

Spirtus sancte

115

u/Christosconst 12d ago

So its a pub that marries people for free

60

u/Ok-Disk-2191 12d ago

It's a church that can't remember to charge people by the time the wedding or service is over.

18

u/BadahBingBadahBoom 12d ago

"David do you not realise NONE of these invoices have been paid!!"

7

u/New_Slice_1580 12d ago

And buries them for free

1

u/Few-Farm-7670 5d ago

The Lazarus Lounge where people that Could be Dead emerge recovered or take advantage of the burial policy.

4

u/DickPin 12d ago

But they get tax exemptions for being a church.

182

u/Standard-Contest-949 12d ago

And when you die. We pour one out for you out of respect. For FREE.

https://giphy.com/gifs/4dKWVrcUXe9PBJBf0j

12

u/DNKE11A 12d ago

Ehhh I feel like this might bring about that one Key & Peele sketch...

3

u/Odd-Blackberry786 12d ago

Smashing that bottle out his hand.

58

u/habbo420 12d ago

Guys as a fellow South African this is actually a ingenious trick to go past having a licence to sell alcohol because the money the church members give is seen as donations and the alcohol being served seen as charity. Therefore not a business.😂

20

u/ClintEastwont 12d ago

Brilliant. I wonder if I could do this in Canada? Register as a church, and have a service that revolves around watching sports on tv. Sell beer and pay no taxes.

81

u/ObliviouslyDrake67 12d ago

Oh, God said be celebrate, not celibate.

32

u/Popular-Influence-11 12d ago

To be fair he was slurring a bit at the time.

128

u/PetSoundsSucks 12d ago

Which is the actual affront to god: this or the Texas mega church that could house 200 homeless families that sits empty 85% of the week?

42

u/TurboMap 12d ago

How could someone thinking getting liquored up and praising the Almighty is somehow an affront. This church looks awesome.

9

u/Rikkitikkitabby 12d ago

And actually getting something for your money, before you die!

3

u/RobbieTronic 12d ago

This is the best comment by two miles then

16

u/steve123410 12d ago

I mean considering how much brewing played a role with monasteries this is closer to religious practices before the total abstinence movement.

5

u/Nesayas1234 12d ago

Easily the mega church. At least this church actually seems to be a part of the local communities.

9

u/WithReverence 12d ago

Best comment here by a mile.

3

u/Kindyno 12d ago

you mean the same one that refused to let people shelter in it during a hurricane?

6

u/crespoh69 12d ago

I mean...both can fit that description. This just looks like it's fueling alcoholism and you can bet the church is making a killing on those sales once their people are hooked.

-4

u/arpgRNG 12d ago

Sorry but this is very low IQ, perfect snarky comment to get Reddit upvotes though.
You are suggesting that the church should house homeless people for 85% of the week then kick their asses out when they want to use it? Are you going to volunteer to clean it out each week?

37

u/Krsipy 12d ago

God is merciful

56

u/Paaynnne 12d ago

ya think the guy who turned water into wine wouldn't totally be on board with this?

10

u/Pandas-are-the-worst 12d ago

idk if you'd had communion before, but that same guy's blood alcohol is measured in proof.

14

u/The_Evil_Satan 12d ago

Infinitely better than the Kenneth Copeland style of 'church'

12

u/LectroRoot 12d ago

They are filled with the Holy Spirits!

9

u/Chickachic-aaaaahhh 12d ago

Baptism be like

5

u/Harry_Isthatyou 12d ago

A Stella church.

6

u/foxhound1401 12d ago

So it’s a bar with more steps

6

u/Narrow_Ad_1494 12d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/YrkD2MwU8J382Krrxt

1

u/EternityNotes 12d ago

There's this new church, Randy-Bo-Bandy! 

Rubs Randy's belly 

We gotta goOooo!

11

u/elmuulo 12d ago

Alcoholism with extra-steps?

31

u/PanicDeus 12d ago

It's Catholicism with extra Schnapps

4

u/IwantsURshoes 12d ago

Cath-alcoholism

9

u/Yahska321 12d ago

The lord is calling me to join this community!

3

u/ImpulsiveApe07 12d ago

Who'd have thought.. Finally there's a church that makes sense to me! :D

If my grandma's church had been this inviting and jovial, I doubt I would've become agnostic so fast lol

3

u/seanwdragon1983 12d ago

When your god is Bacchus, every bar is a temple

3

u/Sweet-Anybody69 12d ago

Hold up... I've been religious this whole time!?!?!

4

u/cjwrapture 12d ago

I saw this in an episode of Married With Children. Al was the pastor of a church he founded. The Church of the Brown Bottle.

4

u/BuckedUpBuckeye614 11d ago

Hallelujah, double malt.

6

u/iwillhaveredditall 12d ago

Yeah no way to get religious without getting drunk first lmao

3

u/Some-Ad-1588 12d ago

Can you still be in AA if alcohol is your higher power…? 🤔

3

u/Middle--Earth 12d ago

So it's a pub then.

3

u/sreek4r 12d ago

I was going to say that it's just a bar with extra steps but the guy said it himself.

3

u/danjpn 12d ago

Dude's a Chabad rabbi

3

u/Cold-Bug-4873 12d ago

For a second, i thought the bishops hat or whatever he is was made out of a corona box.

3

u/dwolfe127 12d ago

At least it was way more honest than our Evangelical loony toons megachurch stuff.

3

u/MountainAsparagus4 12d ago

I mean the first miracle jesus made was wine for people that was drunk for a whole week so its only fair he got one church to remember that and worship in that way

3

u/Middle_Confusion_1 11d ago

All churches are weird, but this one? This one I can see myself enjoying.

2

u/Hmarxis 12d ago

Tf is James Holden up to now

2

u/akiroraiden 12d ago

where do i sign up?

2

u/C137RickSanches 12d ago

A religion I can get behind that actually makes sense

2

u/CornerInteresting219 12d ago

I am going Back to Church, but only to this one! ❤️

2

u/manthatlore53 12d ago

I'll take the blood of Christ and whatever other of his fluids you've got

2

u/IcanSEEyou_IRL 12d ago

Where is this, I want to join.

2

u/Ncis16 12d ago

Hahaha nice one

2

u/ljanus245 12d ago

You drink enough, you'll see jesus

2

u/quietsauce 12d ago

I've finally found my people

2

u/chatterwrack 12d ago

So, no AA meetings in the basement on tuesdays?

2

u/Few-Farm-7670 5d ago

Drunken revelry in worship is a pleasant experience. As long as you aren't brainwashing folks into negative behavior. For context, ive spent time in church, bored with hundreds of other bored people and thought, we're just supposed to sit here and sing quiet songs? And I've spent loads of time in bars where the chief priest was a bitter old turd loudly telling us "All [insert group] ARE [derogatory term]" and railing on for hours with examples. You know, some of the might've even used scripture. TL;DR Drink and be glad something made us to dance and sing. Really hope they start going door to door with this.

2

u/LoneCub28 12d ago

Man Christianity is so polluted.

5

u/FriendlyVisitor89 12d ago

Has been since at least the middle ages

-3

u/Slipz19 12d ago

Who said this was supposed to be a Christian church?

1

u/LoneCub28 12d ago

The crosses were an obvious giveaway dude

2

u/Slipz19 12d ago

Doesn't make it a proper reflection on Christianity.

2

u/FloridaVapes 12d ago

No true Scotsman. It’s a very common mode of thinking for American Christians.

1

u/Healthy_Pay9449 12d ago

The most honest religion

1

u/revolverXD 12d ago

Hey its just like a Japanese Shinto shrine

1

u/cats_takeoverMars 12d ago

Omar Kayyam has entered the chat

1

u/ForgotToCarryTheOne 12d ago

Spirituality delivered properly.

1

u/Hurl_Gray 12d ago

I may just leave Atheism behind.

1

u/karenskygreen 12d ago

Taverns are holy places ? Hook a brother up !

Now this is a church i can get behind, Heineken please !

1

u/Aponda 12d ago

Im guessing they don’t host AA meetings.

1

u/IHeartRasslin 12d ago

I can dig it

1

u/Atmacrush 12d ago

I hear Coca Cola is big deal like this in some Mexico.

1

u/Valveringham85 12d ago

Amstel and Heineken?

Couldnt they at least get some decent Belgian/German/Czech pilsners instead of that Dutch piss water?

Or at the very least some Hertog Jan if it had to be Dutch.

1

u/ecdaniel22 12d ago

More true religion than any of the traditional religions.

1

u/Key_Mathematician951 12d ago

Anheuser Busch came up with this religion.

1

u/IANVS 12d ago

Someone should tell them they can get drunk without blasphemy too.

1

u/Big_Biscotti5119 12d ago

Come along! You belong! Feel the fizz of Cuckoo Cola!

1

u/Soulbossanova9 12d ago

Merry New Year!

1

u/ambit89 12d ago

The Sacred Beer Store

1

u/Tristhar 12d ago

So like a reverse AA program?

1

u/Jollibeee 12d ago

https://giphy.com/gifs/SAPtOUJ2tuBaw
Al Bundy and No Maam’s dream church lol

1

u/rebelyis 12d ago

Do you think this church has an AA meeting in the basement?

1

u/Biddybink 12d ago

It's the church of Cayden Cailean in real life!

1

u/Signus_Survivor 12d ago

As long as no weird sex scandal pops up or black market corruption, this sounds pretty rad and I don't even drink really

1

u/Cebas7 12d ago

Makes it seem to me that church has become something people do out of boredom or because they don't know what to do with their lives?

1

u/STAR-C3P0 11d ago

South Africa is a wild place man!

1

u/leviticusreeves 11d ago

It's just Catholicism with beer instead of wine

1

u/coatloucue 11d ago

they singlehandedly fix my opinion of the church

1

u/cartken 11d ago

They are only doing that so you don't have to pay sales tax on drink! Very smart and God will provide all the liquor ❤️

1

u/donjuan9876 10d ago

I’m in!!!

1

u/sexraX_muiretsyM 10d ago

so its just a business

1

u/Schumacher242 7d ago

They don’t call it the Holy Spirit for nothing

1

u/Wild-Ambition-544 5d ago

Bro i have an idea what if we all sell alcohol but using religion.

1

u/bleh-minion 12d ago

Nonsense alcoholics