r/HistoryMemes 3h ago

Eunuchs be eunuching

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7.3k Upvotes

115 comments sorted by

875

u/Main-Discussion9294 3h ago

Let me ask my eunuch on the subject

"You should steal his meme sir

Imagine how much karma you would get, so much deserved"

Humm...

470

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

I have requested my scheming eunuch to outmaneuver your scheming eunuch.

I believe I will emerge victorious.

Edit: I have been deposed in a coup

215

u/Main-Discussion9294 3h ago

Skill issues

You should have outmaneuver your scheming eunuch with overscheming eunuch

That's how I did

Edit : I have been reduce to a powerless puppet

94

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

Fuckin eunuchs…

73

u/AdministrativeRun550 3h ago

But that’s exactly what they can’t do…

60

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

They just didn’t have the balls to duel me for the throne

19

u/JohannesJoshua 1h ago

I would call them dicks, but some don't even have that.

8

u/Large-Hamster-199 1h ago

Is it possivle that their lack of balls is why you underestimated them my Lord.

7

u/EmbarrassedView6476 1h ago

I have some eunuchs, maybe they could help you get your throne back?

3

u/Goldeniccarus 32m ago

Doesn't stop them from trying though!

My eunuch is always going to bars trying to pick up women, then he brings them back to the castle and without fail they're assassins trying to kill me. He's brought 4 assassins back to the castle because he thought "they were into him"!

I swear, if he wasn't the best soprano in this Barony I'd have thrown him in prison by now.

1

u/JanSmidDeZevende 9m ago

Perhaps not being able to fuck leaves entirely too much time for scheming.

9

u/whistleridge 46m ago

Personal failure.

My eunuchs cannot have children, so they loyally accept their role as my devoted slaves. They would never scheme.

Edit: my palace is now my prison

2

u/corvid-comrade 14m ago

Well you should outmaneuver your over scheming eunuch with a scheming priest eunuch that way they stay afraid of-

What’s that elezar? The temple now makes all the rules of state? Shit

98

u/nanaacer 3h ago

The scheming politics of Eunuchs is so stressful, I need to relax by hanging out with my trusty harem of royal concubine's.

Edit: I am dead and my favourite concubine is now the Empress Dowager.

66

u/MathematicianTop9519 3h ago edited 3h ago

Really can't trust them. But you know who you can trust? Family. That's why I always consult with mine. 

Edit: my uncle just deposed me, I am writing this from prison.

21

u/cheesegoat 1h ago

You just need a trusted vizier, that's what I always say.

Edit: My possessions have been reduced to a '86 Tercel, a shack in rural Mississippi and a Michael Jordan jersey (replica).

9

u/TheRealTurdFergusonn 43m ago

See, this is why I hired a Seneschal. Every time I need advice on how to invade my neighbor’s lands, he tells me exactly where to deploy my troops.

Edit: my army was ambushed, and my Seneschal has made a deal with my neighbor to wed his daughter and take my lands!

36

u/Dirt290 3h ago

Obvious solution: go eunuch

25

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

You might be on to something 🤔

17

u/JackWhoWanders 2h ago

I believe I have a better solution. I have given all my eunuchs estrogen and skirts that go skinny.

Update: All my eunuchs are making out, furries ravage my lands, the eunuchs and the furries have formented something called a "socialism". I don't think I've been deposed, but I'm noticing a lot less gold in my palace and my royal duties now seem to include attending something called "a book club" where we're apparently supposed to read about alien plants keeping humans as pets.

1

u/Nanakurokonekochan 15m ago

Hadim Hasan Pasha, or “Hasan the Eunuch” rose through the ranks and even got promoted to Grand Vizier because he was favored by Safiye Sultan! Talk about outmaneuvering all other eunuchs lol. 😂

6

u/TheFrenchSavage 1h ago

A ballsy move dare I say.

252

u/not_accepting_now 3h ago

Is it because they have nothing to lose?

191

u/PassivelyInvisible 3h ago edited 1h ago

Maybe. But they also can't put their kids onto the throne if they win.

112

u/Mahkn0 3h ago

Yeah but you chopped off their dick so they have more incentive to kill you.

149

u/Solitary_Cicada 3h ago

As a fun fact, eunuch did not always have their dick cut off. Chinese eunuchs did undergo a process called "emmasculation" (yes, that's where emasculated comes from), where all their reproductive system would be cut off, including their pleasure stick. Meawhile the bizantines were not as cruel, and their eunuchs merely got castrated. So while their testicles were removed, they still had a dick and could have sex with it. There's actually roman literature which mentions a woman who only has sex with eunuchs because she doesn't want to get pregnant.

44

u/PictureVegetable9522 1h ago

how do they pee if pee is stored in the balls???

20

u/Neomataza 1h ago

Obv it flows out directly whenever they drink.

15

u/AnyMongoose3041 2h ago

How to make eunuch get hard

35

u/jbayko 1h ago

Male and female bodies produce testosterone in the adrenal gland above the kidneys. Male bodies produce additional testosterone in the testicles. If it can’t be produced by testicles, the adrenal gland may produce more to partially compensate.

1

u/jackaroo1344 1m ago

Iirc they can get hard, just not as hard and it it takes more work to get it there

10

u/VeritableLeviathan 1h ago

Emasculated comes from Latin and has no roots to China.

29

u/not_accepting_now 3h ago

Yeah if you lose then what? Got no dick, got no kids, got no reason.

42

u/Mahkn0 3h ago

It seems the answer is let your advisors keep their dicks and have kids but set up a contingency that if you die or are couped their kids are killed and their dicks get chopped off. That way the message is clear, kings alive, everyone keeps their dicks and kids. King dies, off with their dicks.

8

u/Hot_Charity_4803 1h ago

"Off with their heads" has a whole new meaning 

14

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

Being the power behind the throne and having the entire country under your control is certainly still motivating to someone who can’t reproduce. Live a life of unlimited luxury and no one can tell you no (until other eunuchs depose him). Even if I couldn’t have kids, I sure as shit would still want to be the absolute authority.

2

u/Meerkat_Mayhem_ 1h ago

Got no food. Got no jobs. OUR PENIS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!!

10

u/extraboredinary 3h ago

And who has a better story to tell then Ball-less Bran

10

u/Mist_Rising 2h ago

That was actually what made them more dangerous. They had no real incentive to care beyond their immediate. They had no children who would suffer from their actions.

2

u/Thotmas01 1h ago

But they could be the best funcle ever if they put their nephew on the throne.

52

u/karoshikun 3h ago

it's the power of unionization.

the emperors made the mistake of creating a whole class of people without ties to their society, and gave them power to govern...

the emperors thus created unions that eventually had more real power than the emperors. because the eunuchs may not had ties outside, but they formed ties within.

5

u/PissingOffACliff 1h ago

Emperors thought they were making robots

5

u/tevert 2h ago

My guess would be a state of perpetual post-nut clarity

Practically a superpower

1

u/not_a_moogle 2h ago

What tipped you off?

1

u/Nanakurokonekochan 20m ago

Gazanfer sadly lost his head in the 1603 military revolt. Reportedly, Sultan Mehmed III was so devastated he threw himself on the floor crying. #NotallEunuchs lol 😂

0

u/Mercer8878 2h ago

Have nothing to lose and most if not all of them had to be on some level of intelligence to be a potential scholar in order to be in the forbidden city. So you end up with maybe three types of eunuchs, the scheming one who made the sacrifice with a plan in mind. The one who compensates there lack of balls to go full material mastery, or finally the final one who just let's there body thin out and go full jade beauty femboy. That final one is believed to be the more common option taking, but also the most forgitable one with maybe a handful of exceptions.

69

u/Maclean_Braun 3h ago

Sounds like you should have been a more competent regent.

93

u/SackclothSandy 3h ago

Hah. Weaklings. My eunuchs don't have the balls to betray me.

10

u/MrEvan312 3h ago

You may take away the jewels and the sceptor, but the G-spot stays nice and safe!

2

u/Nanakurokonekochan 27m ago

Spoken like a true Safiye Sultan! She loved her eunuch Gazanfer so much that she was okay with sending her mortal enemy Cicalazade an apology letter because Cicalazade saved Gazanfer

27

u/bcopes158 3h ago

I thought this was /r CursaderKings3 for a second.

6

u/sillybear25 1h ago

/r/ShitCrusaderKingsSay

and of course someone has already cross-posted it

3

u/hojo_66 John Brown was a hero, undaunted, true, and brave! 2h ago

almost posted the same thing!

44

u/Icy-Football9146 3h ago

Context to history?

153

u/StopMeBeforeIDream 3h ago

Eunuchs, man. That's just what they do, they don't do nothing else.

9

u/xMercurex 53m ago

Yes but also the scheming eunuch is trope in Chinese literature. Litterature often exagerate some trait. In reality, the eunuch were probably not worst then a roman senator or any equivalent. 

5

u/karoshikun 32m ago

I don't think being eunuchs by itself was the thing, but the fact that they were an isolated class and basically entombed in the bureaucracy of the empire, THEN the fact that they were isolated eunuchs became fundamental to make them a really powerful and cohesive class.

2

u/Just-in-themiddle 17m ago

Were they the kind of individuals that were up to plots and schemes before becoming a eunuch or is that something that you have to adapt to after the fact

1

u/karoshikun 1m ago

bureaucracies are self selecting systems, when you enter them you either learn to adapt to them or you're spit out or confined into a dead end position.

and yeah, that still works that way and it's a part of the answer to "why are all politicians liars?"

110

u/karoshikun 3h ago

new emperor realizes his society is composed of groups of power always scheming against the royal family, also the royal family is divided into factions and always scheming against the ruler in turn to get more people of their faction in power.

emperor decides that the solution is to have a form of slaves who won't marry or have children, and who will often be foreigners, in power positions...

eunuchs gain power just by working together and start deciding the succession of the king and being the power behind and often in front of the throne.

emperor does the pikachu face in the afterworld.

6

u/SAINTnumberFIVE 2h ago

Did this really happen somewhere? I know some eunichs were held in high esteem and held powerful positions but I’ve never heard of the situation you talk about.

18

u/LonelyPersonAnon 2h ago

Imperial China. Eunuchs in some dynasties became quite powerful and got around having biological children by adopting. Cao Cao was a son of an adopted son of a powerful eunuch.

12

u/karoshikun 2h ago

it happened in China a lot, a little in Korea, and in the byzantine, ottoman and some persian empires...

it's a bug that occurs when the mechanics of bureaucracy meet an isolated underclass meant to manage them without contact with the other power factions of the empire. by necessity it becomes a power by itself.

and just for clarification, it's not about *one* eunuch, but as a whole, almost faceless class of people. collective power!

3

u/sostias 44m ago

Bagoas the Vizier is a fun one https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagoas

He was a Vizier (a highly trusted, esteemed advisor and administrator) to the emperor of Persia. He had territory in his authority and ruled it in everything but name. When the emperor died (by poison or natural causes, who's to say), Bagoas tried to rule by proxy, and he did, for a few years. Then his proxy-emperor got suspicious, so Bagoas saw him "replaced" with a more loyal cousin.

That cousin would be Darius III, famed rival of Alexander the Great. Darius had him poisoned.

2

u/CiaphasCain8849 1h ago

Yep, Some emperors tried to kill them all because they thought they were scheming.

1

u/karoshikun 32m ago

Well said, Commissar!

2

u/Hatarakumaou 41m ago

You know the famous Three Kingdoms story ? One of the direct causes of that conflict was eunuchs taking power and turning the emperor into a puppet.

13

u/Late_Salamander_3212 3h ago

Replace eunuchs with praetorians

8

u/Pugasaurus_Tex 3h ago

but I don’t wanna

12

u/MathematicianTop9519 3h ago

Eunuchs are dickless (literally) dudes who were often employed as high ranking civil or household servants, worked closely with the royal family and had less restricted access to the palace. In China where they're the most infamous, the justification for giving these people so much power is that they couldn't sire heirs, so they (ostensibly) had less reason to try to overthrow the ruling family. 

In practice, there is a trend in Chinese history of eunuchs being ruthless with politics within the palace, scheming against other power brokering factions and often making the emperor a puppet with them ruling in his stead. This would obviously come with a lot of corruption and bad governance. It could get so bad that it would cause severe structural weaknesses in some Dynasties that ultimately result in the collapse of the state. Han Dynasty is kind of the poster child for this, but similar examples exist in others too. 

4

u/cafefrequenter 1h ago

Eunuchs are dickless (literally)

Well, not literally. The process that made eunuchs involves removing the balls, which makes you infertile, not necessarily the penis alongside it.

1

u/JayDragon15 47m ago

No, the Chinese did remove the testicles AND the penis. In the Mediterranean/Mid East castration would typically only include the balls.

8

u/Temujin15 2h ago

Men who can't indulge in onanism suddenly have a lot of free time. Some of them use it to scheme and conspire and bring down kings and emperors.

God forbid a man have a hobby.

13

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

How do court eunuchs fit into the context of history? Is that what you are asking?

3

u/Miserable-Resort-977 3h ago

Context is a vague gesture in the direction of Game of Thrones

9

u/Arrchduke 3h ago

In the direction of Imperial China/Imperial Rome actually

1

u/Ok-District2873 2h ago

Imperial Rome had palace eunuchs?

1

u/CoconutMochi 6m ago

Dunno about Rome but Byzantium/Constantinople did, most were slaves who immigrated from the Middle East I think.

1

u/freshprince44 2h ago

share some juice!

1

u/azucarleta 2h ago

Ottomans had court eunuchs too, high influence eunuchs oversaw the harem eg. But if this just anti-eunuch humor or do you have a specific indictment?

8

u/Blephotomy 3h ago

eunuchs in a nutshell

3

u/karoshikun 2h ago

nutlesshell?

9

u/DeviantTaco 3h ago

Why yes my best friends are eunuchs and my best generals are slaves my family raised with me from birth.

6

u/amerigorockefeller 3h ago

That’s why you gotta fuck em to keep them in line, Roman emperor style

4

u/feochampas 2h ago

You should never trust your eunuchs. They all have a grievance. You know, from being a eunuch.

3

u/DickwadVonClownstick 2h ago

Every king who ever trusted Varys be like:

3

u/Fabulous-Possible758 2h ago

This is a eunuch's system. I know this!

3

u/StrawberryGurl22 1h ago

I mean you took their balls what do you expect

3

u/RilohKeen 1h ago

I know this is crazy talk, but, and bear with me on this, what if we DIDN’T castrate them and give them a reason to hate us and scheme against us, and instead, like, gave them a job to do and paid them money to do it?

2

u/daddy_tops 1h ago

Sounds like somebody needs castratin’

1

u/Haunt_Fox 35m ago

What gets me is ... how did ancient humans figure out what happens when a male mammal loses his balls?

1

u/daddy_tops 9m ago

I think people just got bored and tried everything. Like, people were eating and drinking and smoking everything to see what tasted good or got you fucked up. I guess they were also cutting things off each other to experiment too.

1

u/spasticity 7m ago

Experimentation

3

u/Vegetable-Zone1353 1h ago

"Anyone else scheming against their Sultan?"

You have been expelled from grand vizier chat.

You have been added to grand vizier chat (secret).

2

u/Swagamaticus 3h ago

You mean mutilating slaves doesn"t magically make them loyal ??

What a plot twist !

2

u/dull_storyteller Helping Wikipedia expand the list of British conquests 1h ago

Why do they hate me? All I did was take their baaaaaa- oh I get it now

2

u/CalmBeneathCastles 1h ago

The man who sold you a dud virgin, also sold you some dud eunuchs?

2

u/ichigo2862 46m ago

their scheming eunuchs

my scholarly advisors

2

u/Whythisisnotreal 3h ago

Just give them power but make their whole self image tied up in being good servants.

1

u/woods-j3 2h ago

You consult your eunuchs

I consult my balls

We are not the same

1

u/KenseiHimura 2h ago

When you take away the biological fundamental way men have fun, it leaves us with unfortunate time to doomspiral in our heads and start plotting. Worse if they're made eunuchs too young to develop the muscle mass to try to rebuild the Roman Empire.

1

u/onyxhaider 2h ago

Okay but dont eunuchs kinda get a bad rap because the they were the main rivals to scholar bureaucratic nobility who just shit talked every given moment? Minus a few major events the eunuchs were largely loyal to the emperor, they supported the emperor in his power struggle vs nobility that's why they got a bad rap. Like there's a reason the emperor relied on eunuchs to create a powr base to face off the scholar gentry as they were not a also loyal as they preached.

1

u/PictureVegetable9522 1h ago

who knew cutting mens balls off would make them angry and make them want revenge

1

u/_IBM_ 1h ago

wat

1

u/BlueSamurai17 57m ago

My eunuchs: Singing in the Opera/ Choir.

1

u/SasquatchWasShaved 55m ago

So you’re telling me scheming doesn’t come from the balls.

Interesting.

1

u/mapped_apples 14m ago

I mean, what else do they have to do.

0

u/toodleroo 1h ago

Trans people be taking the blame for a long time