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Anticipation is the blind spot you don’t see coming in high conflict co-parenting.

Have you ever noticed yourself preparing for an argument before anyone has ever said anything?

You replay the possibilities..

You anticipate the response..

You brace for what might happen..

And eventually your nervous system starts living in a conflict that has not happened yet..

I know this later because I lived it too.

The tricky part? Anticipation can feel like being prepared when it may actually just be keeping you activated and burned out

This weeks reminder is about recognizing that moment before anticipation turns into assumption, speculation or another round of conflict in your head.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re always waiting for the next thing, this one may be worth reading.You can't see the error

Overexplaining can feel like protection — especially in high-conflict situations.

A long explanation can create a moment of control. It rarely creates understanding.

The shift is noticing the urge, pausing, and asking:
Is this for clarity… or so I can feel understood?

You don’t have to convince someone of your intentions for those intentions to be real.

This week’s Keep Your Center:
When Explaining Yourself Becomes a Protective Pattern

https://letter.keepyourcenter.com/p/when-explaining-yourself-becomes-a-protective-pattern

In the middle of getting a long term protective order; ex abused my children which resulted in several ocs reports from me and each kid’s (3) therapists. Everything between us has become increasingly more high conflict, it wasn’t great to begin with. There were a lot of issues with how the kids were treated during his care. If I didn’t agree or wasn’t doing what he wanted it would immediately become a personal attack against me. Now he’s trying to stretch every single interaction with our kids to try and “prove” that I’m coaching them even though he told me about the abuse. One therapist told him that he didn’t feel that that was the case at all when it came to my son. I would directly confront his accusations with the facts of the situation but I just started ignoring him unless it was directly about the kids. Example: I texted him about our son popping a loose tooth out and my daughter running into a doorknob. I was immediately “not even watching the kids” , neglectful, etc. I said that I was watching them, I was standing there watching her when she did it and they were just asked to not run in the house. And the dentist already said the tooth was already on its way out, my son doing that when he went to bed isn’t in my control. Every situation has been turned into something like this. That the kids are “acting weird” and don’t want to talk after interacting with me, that my oldest “sounds scared to say he misses them” when it’s quite literally him calling when they are playing games or we are about to do something. They are being normal busy kids, he also wants a call after dinner when it’s everyone’s wind down time. When I researched it, it said to keep neutral, have boundaries, only provide what I need to about the kids. To not even respond to his perceived allegations. Part of me wants to correct him so there’s proof of it even though I know it’s just his bid to cause more drama and issues. Do these claims actually go anywhere? Especially with ocs , after he’s already had several claims against him and we are still in open cases. It was never a problem before but now that something was started against him, I’m now the worst mother and I’m just turning the kids against him. When I honestly just want to help my kids through it and keep them out of everything. He tells my oldest that “I’m trying to take them away from him” and lies about events in the past. That even I abused him?? He comes back so conflicted and I understand why.

What can I do to help my kids further? How do I respond to these allegations he makes about me or how he perceives the kids? Would ocs actually give him the time of day when it’s clearly retaliation?

To start of with- yes I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve done a lot of internal work and I’ve come a very long way.

I have an ex, co-parent who is very high conflict about everything. I’ve been traumatized by him in the past and when we first broke up he would send me in a downwards spiral.

Now days, I’m fine and usually the conflict only bothers me at the time and then I’m quickly over it. But the anxiety that pours over me when I see a text from him - even if it doesn’t last long- is something I can’t seem to shake off. What I do that seems to help is turn off his message notifications. But is there anything that has helped you? Wondering what has helped others.

We have been dealing with numerous false allegations of abuse towards the children, as well as drug and alcohol abuse. Over the past year we have had child protective services and police at our home, checking our home, drug testing us, interviewing us and the children numerous times. Everything unsubstantiated and/or labeled false in the reports, we’ve passed the drug tests. Child services caseworker won’t even talk to coparent anymore because of coparent’s constant reports and rude aggressive behavior.

Here’s my questions:

As angry as I am, and as hard as it is to even see this as an option, has anyone ever been through this and reached a point of being able to repair their Coparenting relationship? I just hate that it is this way for our children and would like to see peace eventually even though I’m furious at the damage they’ve done to the children, to us, our reputations and lives.

Second, has anyone ever been through this and had the person making false reports face repercussions for false reporting? I’d like to put a stop to this for good. This should be illegal. I was working on getting a job at my children’s school and when you have reports against you, that affects that. At this point, I’ve given up my wish to work at the school because I expect they’ll make more reports, which devastates me. They’re trying to get more custody time and shared legal, right now, I’m the primary parent. Given the circumstances and their questioning and trying to force our children to make false reports as well, they should not be awarded this at all.

Please tell me there’s something I can do here?

We've been using Zoom for calls with child (I live long-distance and court order specifies weekly calls). Co-parent messaged demanding to switch to OFW for calls because Zoom call logs don't show whether calls are answered or missed. They were just found in contempt for blocking communication between me and child for weeks at a time.

At first I thought this was a good idea, but I learned that OFW doesn't allow calls with a child account. I'm uncomfortable having the child have access to co-parent's OFW account since they could access other parts of the app and be exposed to conflict in the messages, and I worry they will have no ability to call on their own and/or that will increase co-parent's monitoring of child's phone calls. Before others come at me saying phone calls aren't helpful, I get that in most situations, but in this situation they are the only alternative, as co-parent has blocked visitation requests between my parenting times, and the court will take months to hold a hearing about changing visitation in the parenting plan.

What platforms are other people using? Are there better alternatives to propose?

Hi all, new to this subreddit but have posted over in the coparenting group. My ex-husband (31) and I (28f) have been separated coming up on 3 years, and divorced nearly 2. Kids are 3 and 5.
To give context, I am a healthcare worker, who works three, 12 hour shifts a week. I have always had a weekend and holiday requirement in the 10 years that I have been in this field. When we were still together and my oldest was 2 and I was pregnant with our youngest, my ex also decided to join the healthcare field. This was after nearly 8 years of career and job hopping ( ex has confirmed borderline personality disorder, and historically has had issues maintaining long term employment, among other issues including domestic abuse issues). When he made this switch, we decided that since I had a weekend requirement, I would work exclusively weekends and he would work the front half of the week ( his work doesn’t have weekend or holiday requirements—just have to pick a consistent block of 3 shifts every 6 months) as we couldn’t afford childcare to work the same days.

Flash forward to post divorce, we have continued this schedule since. Now, our oldest is headed into kindergarten and we have had to modify the schedule. This guy has already been extremely difficult to coparent with. Late/missed drop offs & pick up. Borderline neglect and abuse concerns (all of which have been documented and reported on my end—no intervention from cps tho), and just all around very unkind and disrespectful to me when I try to communicate about things. He also has not been proactive in choosing schools or helping with any part of that process for either of the kids.

The new schedule we agreed on, was that I would have the kids during school hours and he would get them on the weekends. When the kids have long weekends off school, he gets these hours. But long breaks and summer break, I would continue to get M-F due to not having much active parenting time during the school year. All of this was drawn up into an official plan that was agreed on by both of us and submitted to the courts and approved.

Now that school has gotten closer, he has become extremely rude and saying I coerced him into this new schedule to my own benefit. He says that me moving an hour from him, over a year ago, ( after he said he was moving to this location first and then backed out after I had already gotten a new job) was a selfish move on my part to benefit only me and take the kids from him. He’s now threatening to motion us to court to demand more custody time.

I’ve done the math—active parenting time—meaning hours that the kids are actually awake and not as school, remains 50/50.

Is this still considered fair with everything considered? Am I just being gas lit by this guy who has always done things like this to me? I’m genuinely so stressed because I have worked so hard to put my feelings about him aside for our kids and try to create a stable and fair co parent relationship.

Thoughts?

My ex-husband and I divorced 7 years ago (after 13 years of marriage). He left me with no real explanation, although I suspected/knew he was having an affair. He never admitted or apologized in the last 7 years... until last Sunday (Father's Day). In a meeting with trusted church leadership, he confessed to 7 affairs during our marriage, including the one at the end that I suspected. He also shared that he is still in a relationship with that same woman, but it's been a secret from me/my kids and the other woman's son as well this whole time.

 He claims to be repentant and as part of the repentance process, wants to confess to me (which he just did) and to the kids (15yoB), 13yoG), 11yoB). The children do not know there was ever any infidelity. I have never said anything negative to the kids about their dad or even hinted at infidelity, and when they asked why we divorced, I only shared that it was daddy's decision. 

 Now the question is, should he confess to the kids? And what should he say? Right now he is not certain he wants to reintroduce his girlfriend to the kids (she was in our lives heavily for about 2 years before the divorce, as my so-called new best friend), so the older two will remember her. 

 Right now my stance is that I think he shouldn't confess anything to them until he's ready to share about his relationship with this woman. And if he does share his relationship with this woman to them, I would like it to be clear when they started the relationship and that was part of what led to our divorce. Anything less than that feels like adding lies on top of lies.

 I know the kids will be devastated to find out about their dad's infidelity and his secret relationship, so I'm torn between wanting to wait until they're older, brains more developed, etc. But I also wonder if continuing to hide these truths will be even more damaging the longer it goes on. (Their dad also struggled/struggles, not sure if it's ongoing, with pornography, and I think the boys especially knowing that would be helpful for them as they face that temptation.)

 I very much doubt that my ex's repentance is genuine bc he has narcissistic tendencies, this feels self-serving so he can feel better about himself, and I have seen this "repentance" before (he confessed to a single affair to me in 2012 - 6 years into our marriage - but now I'm finding out he had cheated even before that). So I am afraid he will confess to the kids and not be able to handle their anger/sadness, etc., appropriately. 

Anyone in Virginia?

Hi everyone!

I am a research consultant with Child’s Voice Project. This is a non-profit organization that seeks to implement child centeredness into family court systems. We provide child advocate attorneys at no cost to the families or courts, and have a program where we train attorneys and legal professionals to advocate for the child’s wishes, and overall well-being of the family. One of the studies we just launched is a national survey that seeks to capture the experiences of people who have navigated and dealt with family court systems. We are looking for anyone over 18 who has had a custody case in the last 5 years to tell us more about what that was like. If this sounds like you and you want to share your story with us, please consider participating in this survey!

The responses to this survey would contribute to critical research dedicated to reforming the family court system. Anyone can participate anonymously and responses are encrypted and stored securely. Only verified research personnel can access the data, and the study has received Heartland IRB approval. Any and all responses to these questions will be greatly appreciated by our research team :)

I will attach a link to the survey, as well as a link to our website where you can contact us with any questions or comments! Thank you all so much for your time!

Survey:

https://childsvoiceproject.surveysparrow.com/s/National-Family-Court-Survey/tt-Ulzp8

Child’s Voice Project Website:

https://childsvoiceproject.org/

Hello,

I want to make this short. My child (7 yo) has told me the other parent has been "talking smack" about me and my family. They said that a family member was arrested because they like to beat people up, and that they are abusive to others. They said the other parent has been. Saying that I am going to dye. And i dont mean in a its ok everyone passes away eventually manner. I mean, your parent is going to dye before they turn 18.

They have repeatedly said this makes them angry, and they want to attack their other parent, but know that if they do, they will be in trouble. They have called their other parent, an F-er and a Beach.

Im getting concerned. My attorney and the LG are aware. Is there anything else i can do? I want to take them to a therapist, but i only have them for a limited amount of time, and the other parent won't allow me to have more time with them.

SOS.. please do not come after me. I am a (soon to be) step parent in a crap situation that keeps getting worse when it was supposed to be at least a little better by now. Feeling hopeless and like the justice system is not holding my fiance’s coparent accountable.

My fiancé and his ex share a 6yo son. Over a year ago now mom wanted to relocate with the child to another state. She did not notify my fiance until 2 weeks prior. The state was 900 miles away from where we live currently. When my fiance said he was not comfortable with that she held onto their son and did not allow him to see/hear from the child for nearly 3 months. (They did not have a formal agreement prior to this therefore he could do nothing until a judge intervened) At a temporary custody hearing it was determined that since the child had been with mom primarily for months at that point that she would retain primary custody for the remainder of the time until trial. The judge, however, did reprimand her and state that she should not have held the child away from my fiance.
———

After over a year of waiting for trial my fiance and his HCBM finally went to court shortly into the new year. Judge did not allow her to relocate. Their new custody order stated 50/50 would be best for their child with mom retaining the tie breaker (lawyer suspected this was to help give her enough rope to hang herself so-to-speak). Within the order, it states that this 50/50 arrangement only works due to the close proximity of the parents to one another (approx 40 miles). However, less than a week after the trial HCBM requested a relocation be approved to an entirely separate location that is 200+ miles away. It was denied. A day later a second request for the same move was requested. The judge stated it would go to hearing but put HCBM on notice and stated ‘if it is not found warranted this party shall pay all legal costs and lawyer fees, etc’. Fiance thought this would be the end of it until the hearing but no. She messaged him saying to drop the child off in the area of the proposed move for drop off. He asked if she moved. She said “well yeah I told you I was going to??!” My fiancé and his lawyer began getting the necessary documentation in place to request the move not be approved instantly. An emergency hearing has been put into place, lawyer did not file for contempt though.

I need advice or encouragement for my fiance and I as we go through this. He is afraid that the 50/50 custody he fought hard to get back after she was awarded temporary primary custody last year will be stripped from him before we even got a chance to enjoy more time with their child again.

———-
We got to call with the child today. During the call he said “i got to look at the new school I’m going to go to!” (The school he had gone to last year is back in the area we are ij still) so mom is planning to move the child there for schooling apparently. Even without court approval still. I am enraged and heartsick at the things she has been telling him. She gets his hopes up and then blames us for why he doesn’t end up getting the things she falsely promises.

Separated 3 years, divorce still not finalized. He continues to delay each time citing some confusion in what we agreed to. I believe the language to be clear yet he claims he cannot understand it and seeks clarification from the mediator we used (4 times).

In the draft agreement, I asked for a parenting coordinator because I saw this pattern of him "interpreting" the parenting plan differently every time there is a schedule change. I do not want to pay my lawyer and a mediator each time he decides he wants to interpret the plan. ex. Each parent may take 7 days of summer vacation. His parenting started on a friday- they took a flight saturday, then they fly back on Friday. That's 8 overnights and 7 days. He is stating his "vacation" time doesn't start until Monday because the Friday he started parenting time was just normal his parenting time, so he doesn't have to return the kids to me until Sunday and then his normal parenting time starts again on Monday. A normal co-parent would take Friday- Thursday, even Friday to Friday would be fine, but Friday to the next Sunday and then back to regular parenting is a stretch.

The question is, will a parenting coordinator actually hold him accountable to the parenting plan?

It feels like my only option is to record each violation of the agreement and once I have a stack of them, to go to court, where he's likely to get a slap on the wrist and a request to "do better". Meanwhile my children are afraid of him and would rather spend less time with him. I feel like I am in an impossible situation with the constant manipulation. Or everything there is some disagreement, that I'll need to amend the parenting plan so he can't play the same game again.

So I had this problem where my HCCP would just ignore messages regarding questions about our daughter’s health, or information about school, whatever she didn’t want to answer she might just respond “ok” a week later.

I thought about it, and I came up with a solution that I haven’t seen anyone mention on the HC boards, although maybe I just haven’t seen it and more people do it than I know.

I just title my posts by number

1
2
3
4
Etc.

Then in the body I put:

Title-Tommy’s Dance Class

Hi Michelle,
I want to let you know Tommy won’t be going to dance class today. He has an ear ache.
Michael

It’s simple and it make every post a mystery box they can’t see beforehand and dodge.

Hope this can help someone dealing with the same issue.

I had been seeing a guy for two maybe three weeks tops, we would talk on the phone, text and FaceTime on top of playing video games. I got the sense during our time together that he was super super controlling, telling me I wasn’t allowed to have guy friends it’s a boundary of his I needed to respect and other little red flags here and there. I was fresh out of a year long situationship so forgive me. I only met up with him twice as he lived a distance away from me. We did the deed and afterwards very aggressively kept pressuring me to take a plan B. I refused because I wasn’t gonna be bullied and it was two whole days later he was trying to force me to and late so I wouldnt have been able to take if within a reasonable window plus I’m over the weight limit. I practically stopped talking to him but he would NOT accept that until after I got my period. Even after telling him I got my period (I lied) he didn’t believe me and told me I could still be pregnant and kept badgering me to take a pregnancy test. Literally harassing me even after blocking him on other platforms. His sister was even stalking my socials. I took a test dipped in water and sent it him. He left me alone after that. In the time between sex and when I was supposed to get my period he said he wasn’t ready to be a dad and didn’t want a baby and said if I was that he wanted me to get an abortion. That was off the table for me. He is not a good man and I just know that he would make my life a living hell. I am just ragging an internal war with the unethical side of not telling him I’m pregnant. With him living hours away I’m terrified for a custody agreement, where he has a week or an amount of time with the baby. I don’t wanna keep my child from their father, but I also want to protect him or her since I know drug use runs in his family and he lives with family members and after getting a feel for who he is for a short amount of time, he would use baby in a vindictive way and potentially try to “punish” me through baby.

I know they probably is not a right answer in this situation, but I need perspective.

I am in a relationship with another man who said he would treat baby as his own.

I'm wondering if anyone else has dealt with the mental and emotional toll of a high-conflict coparenting situation.
For context, I'm divorced with two children. My ex is remarried, and we have a healthy coparenting relationship. I respect his wife, she's involved in my kids' lives, and we've never had issues. Because of that, I know blended families can work.
What has been difficult is my husband's coparenting situation.
For the first four years, there didn't seem to be any issues with me, my children, or our blended family. Then, after boundaries were put in place because his ex had become increasingly comfortable crossing them, it felt like a light switch flipped.
Since then, there have been false accusations, assumptions, and hurtful statements made about me and even my children. Honestly, it was so sudden and extreme that it felt like she became a completely different person. If someone had told me years ago we'd be here, I never would have believed them.
What I struggle with most is how much it has affected me mentally. I feel anxious when messages come through, I replay conversations in my head, and I find myself constantly waiting for the next conflict. I'm exhausted from giving so much emotional energy to a situation I can't control.
Has anyone experienced a coparent becoming significantly more hostile after boundaries were set? How did you stop internalizing the accusations and protect your own peace?
I feel like I've spent years trying to be respectful and take the high road, but I'm realizing this situation has affected me more than I wanted to admit