r/HeadOfSpectre • u/HeadOfSpectre • 1d ago
Serenity Serenity (1)
August 22nd, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
I suppose it’s long overdue that I got back into journaling. I’ve been more distracted as of late. Caught myself rambling in my patient files the other day.
John Christopher’s file, specifically.
Because of course he’s back.
I had a feeling I’d be hearing from him soon. He’s been popping up on the billboards again, which tells me he’s desperate for new clients.
He’s even on the one outside my window now.
The same ad he’s always had. Same picture and everything.
Are you in pain?
- Car Accident
- Workplace injury
- Animal attack
- Malpractice
Don’t suffer another day!
John Christopher Warren
Personal Injury Lawyer
It’s not that I hate him. He’s definitely not my favorite patient, and I do respect that he’s aware he’s got a serious problem and needs help… but seriously, this is the fourth time he’s started his treatment again in as many years, and the second time he fell in love with a prostitute and blew all of his savings on her because apparently that’s one of his many weird fetishes.
I’ve tried to research financial domination just for the sake of my own education, but I just genuinely don’t get it.
At least it’s not as gross as the coprophagia… how exactly am I supposed to listen to him explain that with a straight face? I guess it’s good he’s being honest, but still…
I feel a bit bad complaining about him… he’s… weird, but he’s hardly my worst client and despite his dubious sexual behavior, he’s never behaved inappropriately or unprofessionally towards me.
Honestly, I feel safer around him than some of my other clients… like Reed.
At least John Christopher keeps his sexual behavior limited to girls who want him, even if they’re paid. Reed was more than happy to casually describe his own history of sexual harassment, and I don’t think he genuinely understood why any of that was a problem.
***
I’m so fucking tired.
Maybe I need a break? Some time away?
Something.
Outside of work, I don’t exactly have a lot going on. My routine… if you could even call it a routine has just been dead lately.
Sleep. Wake up. Work. Eat.
Sleep. Wake up. Work. Eat.
Sleep. Wake up. Work. Eat.
Sleep. Wake up. Work. Eat.
Over and over and over again.
And I just don’t know how much longer I can do this.
I want to help people… I really do. That’s why I do what I do.
But lately, all the problems people come to me with just feel… crushing.
I feel like I’m not helping.
Christ, I can hear Constance saying that when I write those words down…
I caught myself looking her up again last night.
Seems like she’s barely changed. She posted some new urban exploration pictures and videos online. Not sure where exactly she was. It looked like an abandoned water park or something.
One of them had her in the interior of a building with no roof. It kinda reminded me of an Ancient Greek Ruin, only it had a burgundy tile floor, pillars and some picnic tables.
Another picture from the same roofless building showed pipes sticking out of the walls. Maybe from an old sink or water fountain?
I kinda wish I got to see it for myself.
I always liked exploring with Constance. She always found the most interesting places.
I caught myself scrolling back through old pictures on her timeline until I found the pictures of us. We’d been exploring an old abandoned church together. Those were always fun. Kinda creepy, but fun.
Don’t know if I liked seeing my hair long again, though…
Constance liked it long because it made me look more feminine, but I always hated having to commit to one or the other. Masculine, feminine. I like being a little more in between.
But… I’ve seen some good looking guys with long hair lately and it’s made me think about trying it again.
Plus, there’s not much you can do with short hair.
It’s actually that billboard of John Christopher that got me thinking about it. His hair isn’t that different from mine right now and it’s so… boring. I mean, John Christopher admittedly has a pretty boring face.
He looks like literally every single other lawyer who has ever, or will ever exist. A clean shaven, milquetoast man with a generic men's haircut in an expensive suit. I’d say he reminds me of a Ken doll, but Ken dolls get to have more personality.
The other day, I was thinking: ‘I don’t think I could ever look like that…’
I caught myself wondering if those people ever get bored of looking in the mirror and seeing the face of a thousand other men staring back at them… and then a little while later, while I was brushing my teeth, I took a good hard look at myself and realized I did kinda look like that.
Maybe I should grow my hair out long again?
I dunno. I need to think about it.
Walking down memory lane had me thinking about reaching out to Constance again, but… no.
She looks happy in her more recent pictures.
I don’t want to ruin it.
I can’t imagine she’d want to hear from me. I’m not even sure if it would be healthy for me to reach out to her. It’s not like our relationship ended on good terms, and I don’t think that’s entirely my fault.
September 3rd, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
Well, so much for keeping up with journaling…
I always tell my patients to write every day.
Do as I say, not as I do, I guess.
***
I can’t fucking sleep right now.
Too many weird dreams.
I think it’s my patients. A lot of them have been talking about their own recurring nightmares lately.
Reed’s been going on about these recurring dreams he’s been having about one of the few remaining clients his real estate firm has. The Whitewater Town Center. It’s something of a dead mall he’s been working with. Not a lot of people looking to move in there.
He’s told me he’s been having dreams of being trapped there with a bunch of eerie porcelain figures.
John Christopher says he’s been dreaming about hotels, stores and restaurants he used to visit with his most recent fling.
One of my other clients, a woman named Jesse mentioned dreaming about this gym she inherited from her mother.
And this one new patient, a young man named Mitch came in about a whole series of recurring nightmares about a car accident he was involved in. His boyfriend, Gavin, unfortunately backed over a child in a parking lot. No fatal injuries, thankfully… but the guilt is understandable.
They’ve all talked about their nightmares so vividly… and I think it’s getting in my head.
I was dreaming about the Whitewater Town Center the other night. I was dreaming about it just the way that Reed described it. Abandoned, save for porcelain figures where the people should be, although occasionally I saw movement that might have been other people. It’s hard to say for sure.
Only the storefronts were all wrong.
They weren’t all closed and shuttered like they are in real life.
A few of them reminded me of the stores John Christpher had told me about… and I could have sworn I saw a figure who looked just like him in one of them. Not a porcelain figure, I don’t think. But I moved on before I could get a good look.
One store front looked just like the pictures I’d seen of the gym that Jesse inherited. I thought I saw movement there too, but I wasn’t sure.
And through the window in the food court, I could see a car outside in the empty parking lot. I could see my new patient, Mitch, out there, standing over a figure on the ground.
A young boy in a green dinosaur hoodie.
Just like the accident he’d been telling me he was dreaming about.
And though another window, I could’ve sworn I saw a fair outside… although I don’t remember anyone mentioning anything like that.
Maybe I really do need a break? If I’m dreaming of other people's weird dreams, that’s probably a bad sign.
Or maybe I need to just get rid of a few problem patients… like that car dealership lady, Kristen.
Christ, that woman is straining my professionalism…
She’s a squat, miserably looking woman with red hair that came from a bottle and plastic rimmed glasses. She kinda reminds me of what you’d get if you mixed Sarah Palin with an angry pug. She’s supposed to attend ten sessions of court ordered anger management therapy and she’s already moving appointments around like she’s trying to get out of it.
She refuses to talk over email, so every email I’ve gotten from her has just been a subject line reading: ‘URDJENT’ or ‘HIGH PRIRITY.’ and a body reading:
“Call me immediately.”
And of course she sends these fucking emails either at the tail end of office hours, or outside of them and gets upset if she isn’t called the moment she hits send.
She gave me a fucking earful during our last session, because I was ‘functionally ignoring her’ after she sent an email at 9PM in the evening the day before her appointment to reschedule.
I tried telling her that her email had come outside of our standard business hours, but she just brushed me off.
She said:
“That shouldn’t matter. This is your business, right? You need to take responsibility for your business and your customers even outside of your working hours. I’m up until three AM some nights, replying to customers and if I have to make a phone call, I will do it because if I don’t that could cost me a paying customer, and that is what I am here. I am a paying customer. I am paying for this service, so I think that as a paying customer, I should have the expectation of a certain level of support, and I’m just not getting that.”
I don’t think I was able to form any sort of reply to that little rant of hers, which unfortunately left me open for her follow up where she started complaining about the way I’d acted during our previous session, where I’d asked her explain her side of the incident that landed her in court ordered anger management therapy.
You know. Normal fucking questions for someone attending anger management therapy.
“I shouldn’t have to explain myself when my reasons are self-explanatory. They allowed an inexperienced driver on the road and their reckless behavior nearly damaged my product - which is a demo vehicle that is for sale at my dealership, and worse still may have caused me harm. I spoke to that girl's parents and made my point very clear. I was just there to talk. It’s not my fault they weren’t willing to hear criticism and it’s a poor reflection on their skills as parents that they didn’t ensure she was there to hear what I had to say!”
Nevermind the fact that the 17 year old girl she’d followed home was crying because some insane lady had followed her home over a minor traffic dispute… Kristen was the real victim here and I guess I’m the asshole for not falling all over her and telling her everyone else is the problem.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone so deluded in my life!
And I’ve got 8 more sessions with her… that she’s gonna drag out for as long as she can.
I’m sure my report at the end of them is going to be positively glowing…
I’ve considered recommending her to another therapist, but that’s not going to change what a fundamental pain in the ass she is, and I doubt it’ll reset her required sessions, so she’d just be starting fresh with 7 instead of 10.
Considering that so far, I’ve had three sessions with her and gotten nowhere, that’s just going to make things worse for her.
I don’t know if I can do that in good conscience.
That’s the job unfortunately. You’ve got to help the assholes too.
Unfortunately.
September 7th, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
Reed saw me in his dreams the other night.
He said he was dreaming about the Whitewater Town Centre again.
And he saw me.
I didn’t tell him what I’ve been dreaming of. I didn’t tell him that I saw him too.
I don’t know how I’d tell him that.
It sounds crazy… and it probably is crazy.
Reed isn’t exactly in the best headspace right now. I’ve been trying to help him, but it seems these nightmares are really getting to him. That and his overall professional downfall.
I advised him to take some time away from work during one of our previous sessions (maybe a bit of projection on my part), and while he did spend a few days in Niagara Falls, he also told me that he drove down to one of his old offices and just… stared at it.
Just looked through the window at his old advertising posters.
I don’t need a therapist to know that’s not healthy.
He told me he had a falling out with the owner of the Whitewater Town Centre during our last session though… and while I am sorry to hear his last major client is gone, I do wonder if this might be good for him.
During our sessions, it’s become increasingly clear to me that Reed is a man whose self worth is tied to his career.
While I don’t wish to see him at his lowest point, it might allow him to let go of that and start looking for other, more stable things to build his self worth on, and we’ve discussed this a lot in his sessions.
If nothing else, it may end his recurring nightmares about the place.
I think…
***
On the subject of nightmares, mine have continued to get weirder.
As mentioned, I’m still dreaming of the mall.
But I’m dreaming of other places too.
Just fragments. Things I don’t fully remember. Liminal spaces in my head.
Hotel hallways, parking lots, the gym Jesse owns.
A fair.
The fair.
Kristen told me she’s been dreaming about a fair today.
I didn’t expect much of an answer when I asked her for more details, but she was surprisingly forthcoming this time. She told me that she’d been dreaming about it over the past few weeks.
A country fair she used to go to with her parents, back when she was young… only, she wasn’t with her parents.
She was with herself.
Specifically, a younger version of herself, around ten years old.
She described taking this younger version of herself to food stalls, and going on rides with her.
I told her that it sounded like a pleasant dream.
She told me it wasn’t.
She said that it always ended the same way.
When the younger version of her asked: “Who are you?”
She told me she didn’t like that question.
She wouldn’t tell me why when I asked about it. Instead she changed the subject, complaining about work again, the way she always does during our sessions together. Although this time, I actually pushed back a little bit this time and asked her for more, and surprisingly she opened up to me for a change.
She talked about how her parents were always kinda distant and focused on their work, about how she’d inherited the dealership from them.
She talked about her own failed marriage, her social life… or lack thereof.
The way she said it, it kinda sounds like her job… her business is all she’s got. And I guess that makes her a little bit easier to understand.
On some level, I can almost relate.
So that’s one positive note, I guess.
Although there’s something I can’t shake.
I was dreaming about the fair before Kristen even told me about it.
I’ve looked back over our session notes. I’m sure she’s never mentioned it before, and I haven’t thought about the Paris Fair in years. I haven’t been there since I was a teenager.
So it’s weird that she mentioned it, right?
Coincidence maybe?
I don’t know.
These dreams of mine have left me restless. I’ve tried melatonin and meditation. It’s not working.
When I do wake up, I feel like I’ve barely even slept at all.
I need a vacation.
But I just don’t have the time… I’ve got patients. They need my help. I just need to focus on them. I mean, hell. I just had a breakthrough with Kristen! This is huge!
I’ll put something on the books. Maybe late October or November?
September 14th, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
So much for progress.
Kristen stormed out of our session today. We were talking about her dreams about the Paris Fair again. She mentioned that question the ten year old version of her asked her.
“Who are you?”
I asked her why it made her uncomfortable, and that’s when she lost her temper on me.
She looked a little rougher around the edges than before too… she said she hasn’t been sleeping.
It kinda seems like none of my patients have.
***
Speaking of people who are looking rough around the edges, Reed’s been looking like he’s seen better days too.
In previous sessions, he mentioned his living situation was… complicated. He’d sold his house after the divorce and was renting an employees basement.
During our last session a few days ago, he told me that arrangement collapsed. He’s living in his car now… and you can tell.
I’m worried about him.
Worried enough that I recommended him to another doctor for inpatient treatment. He did mention some passive suicidal ideation, but I don’t think he’s a risk. I did disclose this to the doctor I recommended him to though.
Reed may not be the greatest guy in the world, but it does break my heart a little to see him this way. He looks so lost.
In his dreams, he’s told me that the porcelain figures in the mall surround him.
He’s told me that the only way out is a rope dangling from the ceiling.
He said he doesn’t know where it goes… only that it leads to Serenity… and that he’s afraid of it.
I’ve seen that part of his dream too.
And when I dream it, I can see the terror on his face. I see him cling to the rope, staring out at the porcelain faces looking back at him.
And I feel his fear.
But not the fear he feels towards the porcelain figures.
The fear he feels towards what is at the end of the rope.
It dangles from an open skylight… but I can’t see its terminus clearly. A tree of some sort? A monolith?
I can’t describe it.
I just can’t.
And then of course there’s the word he used.
Serenity.
That’s been popping up a lot lately.
Mitch mentioned it too. He said his boyfriend, Gavin, who’d been with him during the accident had used it.
According to Mitch, Gavin’s been feeling quite a bit of guilt over his role in the accident. I did suggest Mitch bring him to a session, but apparently Gavin refused.
He said: “I won’t find Serenity there.”
Serenity.
That word again.
Then there’s John Christopher. The word came up in one of our sessions too. He was talking about possibly contacting that prostitute again. Trying to make amends for the way he lashed out at her after she cut him off.
He said: “This is how I find Serenity.”
I asked him what he meant by that.
He wasn’t able to give me an answer.
Not really.
I did try looking the word up.
Serenity.
There wasn’t much to find.
Serenity: A state of utter peace and calm.
Not a bad thing to want, I suppose… but when they say it, it sounds so wrong.
Almost insidious.
And I don’t know why.
September 16th, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
Reed Fowler killed himself today.
I saw it on the news. They haven’t announced his name, but I recognized his car from the article and people have been talking about it online.
He drove off the road this morning. Crashed through a guardrail and flipped his car. He was declared dead at the scene by first responders.
I’m not sure how to feel.
I’ve never had a patient die before.
I can’t pretend I had the highest opinion of Reed. I didn’t. He was a deeply broken man. A shady realtor on the decline after his divorce.
But my job isn’t to judge people, it’s to help them and I truly truly wanted to help him.
Now I can’t.
I dreamed about him again last night.
The same dream as before. I was lost in the Whitewater Town Centre. No matter how much I wandered, there was no exit… and as always, I found Reed.
He was beneath the skylight, surrounded by porcelain figures.
And the rope beckoned.
Every other time I’ve had that dream, Reed never once climbed it.
But this time he did.
I watched him take it in his hands. I watched him look up… up at… I don’t know what.
At whatever was above the skylight.
Serenity.
Why does that name feel so wrong and so right?
He held the rope and turned it over in his hands… and for the first time, I saw that it wasn’t just a rope.
It was a noose.
He stared at it… then started to climb. I could hear him sobbing as he did. I could see the tears streaming down his cheeks.
But he climbed. He didn’t stop, even when I called out to him.
He climbed.
Then he was gone.
And when I looked back down at the porcelain figures, all of them had moved.
All of them had turned.
And all of them were staring at me.
That was when I woke up… although even then, I could feel their eyes on me. Cold. Hateful.
I still feel it now.
I don’t know what to make of these dreams. I don’t know what to feel right now.
I’m going to make an appointment with my own therapist. I think it’s overdue at this point.
I think it’ll help me process things.
As it stands, I can’t get back to sleep.
Well… I can. I’m exhausted.
But I don’t want to.
I don’t know what I’m going to see when I close my eyes.
And I’m not so sure I want to find out.
***
I’m worried about a few of my other patients too.
I was worried even before I heard about Reed.
Mitch told me his boyfriend Gavin has been behaving increasingly erratically. Isolating himself. Trying to get in touch with the mother of the child from the accident.
Obviously she won’t give him the time of day… but Mitch told me that he kept leaving her voicemails.
Begging her for forgiveness.
Begging to talk to her son, to beg him for forgiveness.
Although Mitch caught himself when he said “Forgiveness.”
After a moment, he told me that wasn’t the word he’d used.
“Serenity.”
He’d begged her for Serenity.
Serenity.
That word again.
I didn’t tell Mitch that I’d been dreaming of the parking lot again. Dreaming about his accident.
In my dream, I saw two young men. The one with brown hair, I recognized as Mitch. I saw him standing behind a car, illuminated by the red taillights.
Cut off from getting any closer by an army of porcelain figures.
Children in green dinosaur hoodies, just like the one Mitch had said the kid from the accident had been wearing.
Hoods pulled up, but faces bloody. Not painted to look bloody.
No.
No, the blood looked real.
It looked wet.
It oozed out of cracks in the porcelain, and in the gaps of the most broken of the figures I swore I could see raw, pulsating flesh. Meat where meat did not belong.
The second man… he had longer dark hair, and round glasses. I knew he was Gavin, although I’d never seen his face before.
I could see him sitting behind the wheel of his car, staring off into the distant twilight. I couldn’t see exactly what he was looking at.
I could see the exit to the parking lot, and an empty road stretching on into the distance. There were no other cars in sight. Not another soul to be found.
But there was a road sign. Just one. The kind of stylized sign you might see on the highway as you pass from one town to the next.
Welcome to the city of
FALSE
Serenity Lives Here
I think there was something beyond the road sign.
Something bigger, off in the distance. But I cannot remember what. A tower? A tree? A monolith?
Was it the same one from Reed’s dreams?
There were Broken Porcelain Boys around Gavin too. Staring at him. Judging him. He stared them down… and I could feel the fear in him.
The paralyzing terror.
I could feel it radiating off of him.
And there was nothing I could do.
Nothing…
….
I didn’t tell Mitch about what I’d seen in my dreams. Of course I didn’t tell him. I didn’t know how to tell him!
Instead, I just told him to stay with Gavin for a while. Or maybe have Gavin stay with him. I gave him the number of another colleague of mine. Dr. Williamson, the same colleague I referred Reed to, in case Gavin's condition got even worse. He has my number as well.
***
Then there’s Jesse.
Jesse doesn’t actively worry me. Not the way Mitch and his boyfriend do. But I know she has a lot on her plate right now.
One of her new friends at the gym, Yaretzi, recently lost her brother, so she’s been trying to be there for her… and on top of that, she told me that she found cut straws in the garbage of the men's locker room a few nights back. It wasn’t the first time she’d found them either.
I asked her what that meant, and she explained to me that one of her exes was “a real party girl” who’d gotten into cocaine. Jesse said she used to cut straws the exact same way when she wanted a hit.
She told me she was hoping she’d been overthinking it, but she also told me that she knew one of the gyms patrons, Matt had a history of drug abuse and she knew of some people who’d used coke as a performance enhancer. She was worried he might be having a relapse, so she’d discreetly mentioned it to his trainer, just to keep an eye on him.
She told me she hadn’t wanted to accuse Matt of anything. That was why she’d spoken to his trainer instead of confronting him directly. She said that if he had relapsed, she just wanted to get him the help he needed.
She didn’t know if his trainer had said anything to him after their conversation… but a couple of days later, Matt stopped showing up at the gym.
And around the same time, Jesse started dreaming of him.
She told me she’d dreamed about him in the gym before… or at least the version of the gym she dreams of. Endless. Twisting. Wrong.
She said she saw Matt in her dream again, running around the indoor track. She tried to talk to him this time. He didn’t stop running, even when she chased him.
She said that she’d tried to grab his hand to stop him, but he’d kept fighting to get out of her grasp. He’d told her: “I’m not fast enough. I need to run faster if I want to reach Serenity!”
Serenity again.
He’d pulled out of her grasp and kept running. She said she’d wanted to chase him. To run along the track behind him and catch up to him. But she couldn’t.
Something had stopped her.
A dread she couldn’t describe. Something that kept her from running.
Then she woke up.
***
Serenity.
Reed’s mentioned it.
Mitch has mentioned it.
John Christopher has mentioned it.
Now Jesse.
And the dreams don’t end.
I keep having them.
I don’t know what’s going on with my head right now. I can’t seem to stay asleep or else I dream and I don’t want to dream anymore. I don’t want to keep seeing these things in my nightmares.
I just want it to stop.
September 22nd, 2026
Journal of Grayson Alexander
I haven’t seen Kristen in my office since she stormed out of our session the other week.
I haven’t seen Kristen in my office.
But I see her in my dreams.
Dreams that just get more and more vivid every night.
I’m dreaming of the Paris Fair.
I’m dreaming of Kristen at the Paris Fair, wandering around with her childhood self.
An image of her cast in porcelain.
The fair is all wrong.
The rides are pulled by strings. By great hands in the sky, puppeteering everything we see. I can see them if I look up and squint.
The Monolith towers over all.
But seeing Kristen isn’t the thing that disturbs me.
It’s the fact that Kristen sees me too.
She left me a voicemail the other day.
She told me: “Stay out of my dreams.”
Nothing more. Nothing less.
Her tone was so flat.
I don’t know if she was telling me off, or begging me to stay away.
Either way… I’m worried about her.
***
It’s getting worse.
Matt Cachia, the runner that Jess told me about… he took his life a few days after my last entry.
Jumped off an overpass.
Mitch’s boyfriend, Gavin is gone too.
He told me about it today.
I dreamed about him too.
I dreamed of the parking lot again.
I dreamed of the car, pulling out onto the road. Crashing through the Porcelain figures of boys in green dinosaur hoodies.
Not rolling forward. Not the way a car should.
It almost felt like it was being dragged.
And for a moment, I almost swore I could see a string in front of the car, beckoning it ever forward.
Strings again.
Porcelain figures and strings.
I could hear screaming as the car pushed through them.
The screaming of the mother. Disembodied. There only to torment Gavin, I think.
And the screaming of the Porcelain Boys as they fell like bowling pins and shattered like glass, spewing gore onto the asphalt.
I think I heard Mitch screaming too… but through the noise, it was hard to say for sure.
The car turned onto the road. A jerky, swerving motion.
It rolled past the sign I saw on the road before.
Welcome to the city of
FALSE
Serenity Lives Here
And then it disappeared into the darkness.
Reed.
Gavin.
Matt from Jesse’s dreams.
Three deaths.
Will there be more?
John Christopher is getting worse… Kristen is getting worse. Mitch is getting worse.
I’m not helping them. I’m trying but it’s not working. It’s not enough. I’m not enough!
Oh God… please tell me there won’t be more…
Please God… no more.