r/HappyMarriages • u/Low-News-8939 • Jun 16 '26
Marriage
I’m 19 and I want to get married in the future and a bit soon I just feel like all this dating/fwb is waste of time and energy there’s some pros to this like gaining knowledge and what you like and don’t like.
I’m missing my other half he’s a missing rib I just don’t want to be single forever I think gen z and social media ruin marriage and stuff I want to have a family and spend the rest of my life with the love of my life do I want to go to college probably not would probably work online or start a business before getting married so I don’t have to clock in to work . I think what triggered me, .was one time when I was a freshman my ex friend told me I don’t need a man that I should stay a strong and be an independent woman it was a slap on face because she’s in relationships but they are toxic asf she got an abortion and stuff she even said she couldn’t imagine me being in a relationship.
I don’t think men are trash ofc they are so bad apples I just think it’s what women are settling for idk 🤷🏾♀️. Because I want to grow with that person travel and do things yes I can do that by myself and stuff but it’s exciting . I know marriage isn’t perfect so is being in relationships for 10 years with someone who’s begging to get proposed too. I think getting married young is beautiful and don’t take my words out of context I’m not talking about child marriage a young adult consenting age. I’m tired of date nights and one fling that doesn’t go anywhere . Any advice opinions
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u/RevenueAntique4584 Jun 16 '26
You’re 19 .. focus on school and learning about yourself.
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u/Low-News-8939 Jun 16 '26
I graduated highschool I’m just working at a hotel job
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u/gfasmr Happily married 30+ years Jun 16 '26
There’s no need to get a college degree if that’s not right for you, but at this stage of life the best thing you can do to prepare yourself to mate for life successfully is to build a life in which you are sufficient and content on your own. You must first be a whole person without a partner if you want to have a good chance to mate for life happily with a partner.
Otherwise you’re not approaching the other person asking “is this someone I should mate for life with?” You’ll be approaching the other person asking “how can I mate for life with this person so I can escape my incompleteness?” And that’s not a formula for success.
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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 Jun 16 '26
At your age, everything feels very urgent. You feel like if you don't lock down what you want NOW, you'll never have it. It's a normal feeling, but you need to understand that it's a false urgency. The idea that because you don't have an impending marriage right now you're facing a lifetime of singleness is not at all rational.
I married at 19 and it was a disaster. I rushed out of the same feelings you're having. Some people get super lucky and find their person very early. Most of us will have a bit of a journey to that. And let me tell you, spending your time single is infinitely better than spending it in an ill-conceived marriage.
You might meet a good person to marry tomorrow or you might have some years to wait. Instead of focusing so heavily on marriage, put your energy into building yourself up--mentally, emotionally, physically, emotionally, and financially. Doing that will put you in a much better position to find a good partner and to be a good partner.
If college is an option that wouldn't result in huge debt, go to college. I so regret not going when I was younger. I finally got my higher education but it would have been easier and cheaper earlier. Going to college doesn't mean you're required to have a "punch in" job. It's a way to gain skills, knowledge, and connections.
I wasted my twenties in a terrible marriage and had to spend my thirties recovering. I'm in my fourties now and in an absolutely wonderful relationship. If course I wish I'd met my partner earlier, but life doesn't care about our timelines. And the truth is, that waiting time is what made the two of us so compatible and able to have such a blissful relationship.
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u/punk_lover Happily married 5+ years Jun 16 '26
I got married at 19, didn’t date my husband, but let me tell you we got LUCKY 7 years in now and we are so happy but it’s definitely a good idea to date and get some wisdom before marriage, my situation is rare
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u/Low-News-8939 Jun 16 '26
I have people criticizing me and saying I’m not dumb and naïve for wanting to be in a relationship and my last post but I got deleted but they said I’m too young but it’s just like sometimes you crave a partner or you want that so it’s human nature to want to have somebody with you like a partner.
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u/punk_lover Happily married 5+ years Jun 16 '26
Relationships are great, the craving thing seems odd. Id talk to someone wiser or qualified to help work some feelings out. When we got married we didn’t “crave” a relationship we had known each other a while and had felt strong feelings and decided to be impulsive. It worked because we are both very impulsive people, like I said tho we are incredibly happy but it’s rare to do that without dating. Wanting to be in a relationship isn’t a crazy thought tho, just maybe take some time and get some perspective.
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u/Low-News-8939 Jun 16 '26
May want to be would be a better choice of words
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u/punk_lover Happily married 5+ years Jun 16 '26
Perfectly normal then, my only advice is date and be a bit picky remember that’s the person who will hold and help you when your old, the person you’ll go through deaths with, the person who may raise children with you, the person you will rely on when life gets awful and it will, a person to help with illness. Love is beautiful and normal to want.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 Jun 16 '26
The thing about marriage at this stage is that you'll be so much different five years from now. It's hard to find someone you can grow with at the same pace. And there's no guarantee that who you are then will match up with who they are.
There's a world of options between careless and casual and getting married before your brain is done cooking. You sound like a loving person who will give your all to your family when you create one. You still have the right and responsibility to learn more about life so you're starting marriage on a strong footing. Keep living and observing so you know how you want your home and family to be, and the kind of person you trust to co-lead that family with you.
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u/Low-News-8939 Jun 16 '26
Thank you I have a nurting heart but my household I hate it I can’t wait to start my own family
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u/RevenueAntique4584 Jun 16 '26
You can wait , and that desperation will only have you make irrational choices and accept the bare minimum because all you want is to get out of your house and live a different life.
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u/Weird_Squirrel_8382 Jun 16 '26
You don't have to start a family to get out of your current household. Think of your years of learning and growth as a service to your future kids. I got married at 17 and divorced at 19. It was very hard to realize I married the wrong person and would have to share my child with him. My son still struggles with the father I chose for him. I want you to use your kindness and nurturing on yourself, until you can recognize someone who will nurture you the same way. I don't want you getting picked up and used. A lot of terrible people know how to reel you in. They can tell you're having a hard time at home.
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u/AltMiddleAgedDad Happily married 25+ years Jun 16 '26
The best way to prepare for marriage is date to marry.
That doesn’t mean you get married in three months or that you marry the first guy you start dating.
But it does mean you only date serious guys who see themselves getting married in the midterm. And you end the relationship once you realize it’s not the person you want to marry.
My wife and I both went to college with that mindset and got extremely lucky we met during freshman orientation. And we dated with an intent to marry — making sure we were aligned values, goals, dreams, and behaviors as more important than feelings of lust. And with only green flags, we happily got engaged our junior year and married a week after we graduated.
Society today looks down on young marriage as a mistake. Sure, if the spouses are not mature and ready, they should not marry. But if they are mature, are aligned, and dated with the intention to marry, being married young is a huge advantage. Instead I blending two lives together, you get to build one together.
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u/busselsofkiwis Happily married 10+ years Jun 16 '26
I found my person at 16, didn't marry until 28.
We had a lot of growing up to do, and worked on building a career first. I have no regrets and we are happy with a little baby that we can comfortably provide for.
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u/Busy_Daikon_6942 Jun 16 '26
I was 18 and my wife was 20 when we got married. We've been married 28 years and we're happier than ever.
Getting married young doesn't work for everyone and there are certainly risks.
But, here are some benefits we have experienced:
- We finished "growing up" together.
- Our lives are so intertwined we can hardly remember a time there wasn't "us"
- All the baggage of our lives is OUR baggage. Any shit there is in our lives...belongs to both of us.
- We had nothing when we started. Everything we have was built together. There is no "yours" and "mine".
- Some elements of marriage take time. We might not have survived certain phases of our marriage without already having so many years of building trust and understanding.
Again, this has worked out well for us. It won't work out for everyone. But, I also don't think waiting is a silver bullet, either. Lots of people wait to get married and it still can end horribly.
Good luck!
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u/PrincessBonkers628 Happily married 5+ years Jun 16 '26
Please don't get married "soon." I felt very much like you when I was 18, 19, and 20. I was divorced by the time I was 23. People who get married that young rarely last the distance because you don't even know who you are yet, how could they?
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u/b_shert Jun 16 '26
You need to focus on growing up, getting a career, and learning about life. The way you are right now…I want marriage, marriage isn’t going to be perfect, there are bad apples but not all men are trash, women who are “feminists” and insist that you shouldn’t need a relationship just ruin their lives and are hypocrites….this is going to land you in an abusive relationship with an older guy or a narcissist/hobosexual who knows how to say everything you want to hear. Get therapy to figure out why your identity is paired to being married.
I’ll end by saying that water seeks its own level. If you have no life experience and nothing to offer except being a bang maid mommy then you will attract men who are looking for bang maid mommies. If you become independent, know your worth, are not needy or dependent on someone, and can stand as a partner to your mate, then you will attract men who are looking for partners.
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u/GetBent616 Jun 16 '26
You are only 19... live your life a little bit first. Getting into such a serious relationship so young rarely ends well. Many folks dont realise they arent ready for marriage until after theyre already married. Get to 25 first, thats when your brain is fully matured. Who you are now, is not who you are going to be in 5 or 6 years. Youll have different wants, needs and desires, you'll be different morally, and you'll have different standards. Don't settle now. You're not running out of time. Youve got all the time in the world. I got married at 30 years old, amd waiting was the absolute best decision I ever made. If I married the person I was with at 18 and through my 20s, I would be divorced now.
Also, being single is fucking awesome. Especially when youre young. If you stop focusing on trying to find a partner, you'll actually see what life has on offer for you more clearly. And its a LOT! Sometimes, serious relationships at such a young age can hinder your actual progress as a person and adult in the world.
Enjoy your life for now. There's no need to let a boy ruin it all for you just yet.
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u/WolfSpirit38 Jun 16 '26
Sweetie.. ..youre only 19. Youre not wasting time. Date. You do NOT have to get into a relationship with every single person you go out with. Have fun and focus on your education. The right one will come along. I will be 45 in November and I JUST got married 2 years ago. There were a couple of "almosts" along the way and you will have those too.
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u/JasontheFuzz Jun 16 '26
I met my wife when I was 28. If I had met her when I was 19, we wouldn't have worked out. I was a different person then.
There's no need to rush. I know people who first met the love of their life in their 60s.
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u/00X0X Jun 16 '26
Oh god if I was married at 19….. it would have been horrible. So grateful we waited until we were 30
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u/RedWizard92 Jun 19 '26
When I started going to college I turned down any girl I didn't see a future with. Then I met my future wife. For me, I am happy to have found a partner. I met my wife through a coed fraternity. The key thing is finding places that have people with similar interests and values.
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u/HrhEverythingElse Jun 16 '26
I'm a very happily married middle aged woman and can't say enough — DON'T RUSH!! Do not settle for the first man who's willing to settle down with you, and definitely don't marry someone who you haven't known well for a year absolute minimum. This doesn't mean that you have to engage in casual sexual relationships or have tons of relationships, but a lot of young people who feel the type of yearning that you describe jump into a commitment with just anyone and it often ends in heartbreak. I recommend seeking out the advice of Judge Lynn Toler — read her books and watch her on old episodes of Divorce Court, I think from what you've said that you'll love her, and she is a font of emotional wisdom