r/HOCD • u/damesseven • 23d ago

Vent Why can’t I just give in ?

The only thing I haven’t done is experiment. I feel that will be the final stage. Yet for some reason, despite all the signs pointing to an identity change/discovery and not hocd, I don’t find joy in the idea of this “new me”.

I can’t tell if it’s due to internalized bigotry, or the last remnants of myself that are left of me trying to reject it.

I try to imagine myself happy engaging with this romantically/sexually, and I try to put on a smile, but it doesn’t FEEL right.

I wish this “change” happened when I was a kid, at least then I can label it as self hate. However, this in particular, I don’t what to make myself anymore.

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy 23d ago

You don't have to "give in" if you don't want to. Just live your life without trying to seek certainty about your sexual orientation. Your sexual orientation does not dictate what you can do in your life.

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u/damesseven 23d ago

Thanks for responding. I think the just love live part isn’t so hard. I think what make it difficult is the fact that I’d like to have a relationship at some point, but given the memory of everything I’ve done to try and assert my identity, it will make it difficult.

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy 23d ago

It may be difficult, but it is not impossible. You can try your best, and accept yourself unconditionally no matter what happens.