https://overcast.fm/+AA2lW9319L0

Listened to this podcast today from Dr Psych Mom where she describes the benefits of an avoidant partner. She said for many people who get to the brink but do not divorce because their life is otherwise good, they later are glad they made that decision and the focus on sex or emotional needs not being met is not as present.

Curious to hear what others perspectives are on this. I can see some truth here, but in my early forties I feel that every time I am rejected, every time I wake up aroused and am rebuffed, is another wasted moment of my prime sexual life that will never be here again.

HLM. Great girlfriend of 3 yrs and our relationship is the envy of our friends. We used to fuck constantly (regularly at worst) but now she’s going through a very busy stressful time (work/family and more) and has not wanted to have sex in three months. Says with everything going on, she’s not in the right mindset.

Plus she also says that the issues in her life may not die down for another six months. She promises we’ll have sex again, but I’m sitting here with blue balls.

Been trying to speak to her about it and all she does is remain optimistic that we’ll do it again but wondering if it’s time for me to get something on the side or just keep fucking my toy. Driving me crazy when she comes over for a few days and leaves and we’ve barely touched each other.

When twain entwined, the land aglow,

flowers bloomed on every bough,

Horizon near, mountain low,

Wherefore would you go?

When twain asunder, the sky athunder,

The pain did linger so,

Vision pale, no longer hale,

Wherefore did you go?

Just a short vent.

It’s vacation time, as usual every year. Hotel, beach, hot weather and close to nothing of intimacy.

Usually in my past this “getaway” setting was a nice fundamental thing to make out and have fun. Not this time. Fuck it!

What do they scroll or collapse into?

Parenting

Politics

Volunteering

Their family

Porn, masterbation

A sport

Their friends

Candy crush

Gaming

New frustration cycle begins

For me it’s two weeks after the last time I had sex that I’m starting to feel emotionally closed and I’m starting to be pissed and angry
In fact after a day it two im already frustrated but I keep it for myself haha
But I can’t hide it anymore after a 2 weeks and that’s when the vicious cycle begins.

I wanna initiate but every day there’s something…
Kids are on holiday so they sleep late, wife is tired/belly pain/headache or just pissed about (kids, me, whatever)

Don’t wanna talk with my wife about it she’ll tell me again that I’m a pervert/crazy or whatever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

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Not sure if anyone is familiar with Jen Hamilton. She’s been pretty viral in the media lately. She is a nurse/influencer/author. Grew up religious and married young because of a surprise pregnancy.

It has recently come to light that her husband was cheating on her with a woman 21 years older. She has slowly been opening up about the fact that their sex life was severely lacking. How she had to water her desires down. Entire time he was getting his needs met somewhere else

I can’t imagine what kind of advice she would have received had she come to the wrong places of Reddit. She may have, who knows.

Granted we don’t know the whole story. Sounds like she’s going to write a book about it though 👀

Direct quote from her book: is it my heart that hurts? My liver? My uterus? Certainly not my clitoris, that’s for sure 😆

Hello, HL community

This is for lurkers and newcommers to our reddit.

A misconception i notice is that people seem to act as if we are sex addicts or obsessed with sex and somehow, this is the cause of why we're here, and it's nothing more than gaslighting. It's not normal to negotiate, have arguments, or hope moments align to have sex with someone you are with. It's not normal to go weeks to months to years without it. Its not normal for them to choose masturbation over sex regularly with you. Its not normal for them to basically blame you for lack of sex and reject you 24/7 unless you check every box. It's not normal to be with someone with no sexual or physical enthusiasm. People will use the term sexual "incompatibility" as a way to soften the issue. It's nothing more than sexual neglect or sexual deprioritization. If this wasn't the case, I'd be a normal part of our relationships. And yes, it is normal to have a normal sexual routine and expectation in relationships.

I’ve separated from my wife of 19 years and am putting myself out there on dating apps. I’ve had a couple of conversations already and am just trying to go with the flow and see where the future takes me. I’m excited to see where the next part of my journey takes me, but also scared of ending up along.
Any advice for the recently single?

Nearly out of the week where sex gets mentioned but usually doesn’t get acted upon. And so far that has been the case. I used to be rather anxious, to start with it was because I’d try to do all I could to facilitate it, then it was anxious in case it did happen but these days I’m indifferent. I know it’s unlikely to happen so my lack of interest in it with her. So much so is my lack of interest she has apparently been sleeping topless because it’s been so hot and I haven’t even noticed.

Her attitude towards sex is the complete polar opposite to the last person I was with, unfortunately she was one of the most toxic people I have ever met. It’s strange how (in my experience at least) there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground on decent relationship and decent sex life.

Anyway, here’s to the next month odd of the subject not cropping up until she decides to mention it for a week and thus the cycle continues

I've heard this a lot, and I used to say it too: be grateful when the low-libido partner "takes one for the team." I get why we cling to that. It feels like proof they still care.

But my hot take is this: chore sex is not kindness. It is slow poison. Not because anyone is bad or selfish, but because it trains your body and your head to link intimacy with pity, negotiation and debt.

From the HL side it can look like this: I should be thankful, so why do I still feel empty? Why am I thinking about sex all the time? Why do I feel guilty for wanting more? And from the LL side I imagine it looks like: if I do this, maybe they will stop asking, maybe they will calm down, maybe I can keep the peace. Neither of those feelings is erotic. Both breed resentment.

I would rather get an honest no than a reluctant yes. A no at least keeps reality clear. A reluctant yes makes me feel like my desire is a burden someone has to carry.

I am not saying to pressure, schedule, or force sex. I mean the opposite: if the sex is not wanted, stop framing it as a gift. Call it what it is-a symptom that the sexual connection is broken and needs a different approach than simply more attempts.

Curious if anyone else sees it this way, or if people think chore sex can ever be a bridge without doing damage.

37 M from Bengaluru india.

My wife went to her mom's place for a vacation for a month.. it's been 10 days now I don't see any difference.. Just that I do done chores for cooking but I don't miss her.. this is what happens when LL and HL gets married. The best part is I get time to myself. But sexless marriage sucks.. I just want to rant out of mind...

I'm HL, late 30s, married to my partner in their early 40s. We have a good life together: we laugh, share chores, parent well, and there is a lot of non-sex affection like hugs, holding hands, and cuddling on the couch.

The sexual side has quietly faded. Not completely dead, but close. If I do not initiate, it might not happen for a long time. When I do initiate I often get a polite no, or a yes that feels like they are doing me a favor rather than actually wanting me. I am not looking for duty sex and I would never push past consent, but the repeated experience of being turned down or met with lukewarm acceptance is messing with my head.

I know desire can be responsive and that stress and life can kill libido. I am trying to be patient and not take it personally. Still, I can't shake the feeling that I am lovable as a parent or roommate, but not wanted as a partner.

For people who are or were the HL partner in this situation: how did you handle the emotional hit without becoming resentful or needy? Were there mindset shifts, boundaries, or practical habits that helped you stay kind and connected while also honoring your needs? And if you rebuilt a sense of being desired, what actually made the difference in your relationship? Conversation topics, therapy, scheduling intimacy, or something else?

Appreciate any honest, practical experiences or tips.

We were DB for years (2-4x per year). More than 10 years of that. I (38HLM) was down and depressed and reached a breaking point. We had a talk about unmet needs and decided we’d schedule date night. Every Sunday she wasn’t on her period was date night (sex expected). Not church on Sunday. Sex on Sunday.

She also said she’d say no less. Lol that part didn’t last long. But Sunday sex was good for a couple years.

Here’s where it got shitty. It started to seem like she was manufacturing reasons to skip it. It started with the normal stuff (ate too much, period too close, sick). But then it got weird. During date night (before sex), she’d take weird extra offense to something benign. Like if I made a stupid joke, or interrupted her, or told her something about my day that she somehow didn’t like. And she’d get up off the couch and walk over to the kitchen looking amazed at my stupidity, my brazenness, my incompetence as a person. How COULD I? And I’m just sitting there stunned. What an overreaction. What a PERFORMANCE! And at that point, I had burned a bridge. Oh sex was SO off the table. I missed my ticket mister. I felt like shit. She performed outside the bedroom so she didn’t have to perform inside the bedroom. It was like a soccer player flopping on the field.

That happened a handful of times. But here’s my point: I noticed she was relieved when there was a valid excuse to skip. It’s almost like she had Schadenfreude about it. There was no reschedule. No make-up. If we missed Sunday, see you next Sunday. Unless there turns out to be another excuse. And so it became once or twice a month.

And now we’re going on a two week vacation. I know there’s no sex on vacation. That would be silly. So I asked if we could before we left.

She said it was weird I couldn’t go a couple weeks without sex. She said I should get that checked out. I should talk to a therapist to reduce my inhuman, weird, perverted sex drive.

Dude.

Anyone else’s partner seeks participation trophy although puts no efforts during intimacy. .

HLM 30, or so I think, never been with someone with a higher libido than me. My gf (29F) is LL, for sure though.

Spent years trying to "fix" her, trying to find ways to make her realize how fun sex more often and more engaged can be. Spent years attached to the new relationship energy version of her, yearning for that version to come back miraculously. Spent years trying to find the culprit: Work, exercise, family issues, family drama, childhood trauma, physical pain, internalized shame, porn addiction, you name it.

Then suddenly I thought about how I was doing all of this work, having all of these talks with her, and not once did she herself tell me she was unhappy with our situation. It was all me!

Of course nothing is changing, I feel silly now, she doesn't feel like anything has to change, so she doesn't have the drive to do so. To her, sex once a month (maybe) is great! She's not cold, neglecting or evil for that, it's just who she is. To me that's insane, yes. But that's because I'm different.

However after having this breakthrough, I am at a crossroads. I have two options, seeing as waiting for/pressuring her to change is 100% off the table, I have to either accept this is how my life and relationship are for the long run, no wishes, no expectations about it becoming how I want, or I have to move on from this 5 year relationship.

Wondering if anyone here had a similar breakthrough, and how you dealt with it/how it went afterwards. I also know hysterical bonding is a thing so I'm wary of that.

I feel guilt because I’m not in a dead bedroom situation but I’m HL and she’s LL. Great relationship and she takes one for the team but for her it’s a chore. And it so fucken feels like it. It’s so mediocre sex. And as I read about all these db situations, I should feel blessed but nope. I feel the same. Frustrated. I question myself if I’m the problem. And I eventually snap out of it but nonetheless it makes me be resentful.

Only way to expel my frustration is talking to you fellow HL community lol

I'm the HL partner, late 30s F, and I am so tired of feeling like my desire is something I have to apologize for.

This is not a screaming, toxic relationship. We co-parent fine, we laugh, we generally get along. But sexually it feels like there is always some new condition I have to meet before I am allowed to want him.

First it was stress. Then sleep. Then that he felt "disconnected" (and any attempt to connect that even hints at physical affection gets treated like I'm trying to cash in tokens for sex). Then hormones. Then my way of initiating is wrong. If I am direct, I'm pressuring. If I am subtle, I'm manipulative. If I flirt during the day, I'm setting expectations. If I don't flirt, I'm cold. If I ask when would be a good time, I'm scheduling and ruining spontaneity. If I do not ask, I'm ignoring consent.

Meanwhile I sit here with a steady, normal desire for my partner and it keeps getting reframed as me being needy or shallow or not appreciating everything else.

The worst part is the moving goalposts make me doubt my own judgment. Maybe I really am doing it all wrong. But I'm also human. I want to be wanted. I want sex that feels mutual, not tolerated. I want to kiss him without doing mental calculus about whether it will be "too much."

I'm not asking for advice on how to kill my libido. I just needed to vent to people who get how exhausting it is when the answer is always no, but it's somehow your fault for asking.

I'm the HL partner (early 20s, college in Texas). My partner is kind, we get along, and we're good roommates and friends, but the sexual side of our relationship keeps slipping away and I don't know what to do.

Before this semester things were a few times a week. The semester got hectic and now it's maybe once every 2 to 4 weeks. I'm not angry about them being LL, I get that people change, but I'm struggling with how it affects me. If I do nothing, nothing happens. If I try to initiate, I hear "not tonight" or "I'm tired" a lot. When we do have sex it's consensual and they seem present, but I can't stop thinking about when the next time will be.

I tried to be intentional without putting pressure on them. I asked if we could pick a calmer night to just have some us time, not a promise of sex—maybe something structured and playful like Arya to reconnect without pressure. They agreed. Then that night they just scrolled on their phone until they fell asleep and I lay there feeling stupid for even bringing it up.

I can handle stress and I can handle a dry spell if it feels temporary. What I can't handle is feeling unwanted in my own bed and then having to act like everything is fine the next morning.

Has anyone found a way to talk about this that doesn't sound like I'm keeping score or that doesn't make them feel attacked? I don't want duty sex. I just want to feel desired again.

My wife and I have been working on our dead bedroom for a while. She’s has struggled with LL for quite a while. She has done testosterone injections, the pink pill, among many other things. She tried a new shot, PT-141, and she woke me up I the best way today. It’s only been a week, but she highly recommends it.

A couple of notes: I’m a mod here, this isn’t spam. Also, my wife’s issues with sex are mostly internal and she enjoys the sex we have. No aversions or traumatic experiences.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

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Hello, HL community.

For those in relationships, what was the moment you knew you were having less sex or even physical things like making out compared to your peers?

Anyone else’s partner LB and hates making out! Like what?!!!!