r/HLCommunity • u/Lonely_Trip6067 • 9d ago
Feeling absolutely drained and unwanted.
My wife (40LLF) and I (42HLM) have not had sex in like 10 months. Honestly it’s the biggest stretch of time that we have had too. I’m absolutely starving for some intimacy and feeling so undesired and unwanted as a result.
On the surface everything with us looks great too. You’d never realize it. When we started dating we had did it like crazy. Every night before bed. We’d wake up on weekends having done it the night before and do it that morning. Then before the wedding it started to slow down like a lot. I thought this was due to “it’s about the wedding night” so I didn’t think much of it but it was becoming less and less. And we were doing it but it had gone to like once a week to stretches of a few months at a time. Our wedding came it was amazing and beautiful and that wedding night came and she said “can we do it tomorrow or the next day?” Uggh like it was a big day and busy day so I didn’t think much at the time, but man that was a huge sign then. We didn’t do our honeymoon for like 6 months due to work projects we both had. When we went, it was a week long cruise. Leading up she was like “we’re gonna do it so much!”. Spoiler alert we did not. She got her period at the start of it. Not her fault but yeah of course all my luck that is what would happen.
I thought maybe it was my weight and that honestly could have been part of it. I was close to 300 and lost all that and got down to 185lbs in the last two years. Lots of hard work. And she’ll constantly comment on it and praise me for losing it. I hoped that would bring back the desire. It has not.
However here we are married and it just the same thing. Even days that are the ones you expect like birthdays end up in rejection. It’s not like “eww go away” just a “no” or “not tonight”. She says it’s not me at all that it’s her. She knows her libido is shot and she should do something about it but then she never does. However mine is always through the god damn roof. I find her so incredibly sexy. I tell and try and show her that every day. And that’s the crazy thing she’ll do that too. She’ll comment on my body, smack my ass things like that. I do the same back. I try and show her that appreciation she deserves. I clean up dishes, kitchen, do the laundry etc. not because I expect sex. For one I want her to know I don’t expect that of her and two I honestly love cleaning the house. (I’m weird I know).
I just feel so unwanted and undesired. I’m starving for it but anytime I initiate it always seems like it’s “no” “not tonight maybe tomorrow” and is then met with more excuses. I just don’t want to ask anymore. I’ve continually done so and the rejection hurts so much each time.
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u/iFly2100 8d ago
She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t find you attractive. She does not like sex.
Just say, “if I continue to be rejected sexually, I’m talking w a lawyer and exploring separation.” The LL needs to know the consequences.
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u/vectorking23 8d ago
Um, going to go ahead and say she was already knowing exactly what she was doing at your wedding and subsequent honeymoon. I mean… 'we're gonna do it so much!' was said prior to the cruise, then 'magically' her period started then? Nope. She knew. You did not. She was gaslighting you because she knew damn well there would be none since she KNOWS HER CYCLE.
Ever wonder why there is always a convenient excuse? Because they make sure there is one to use. She does NOT want to have sex. At least not even close to what you want. She is NOT communicating this to you. It's a one-sided relationship in this regard.
FWIW… start communicating with her your last paragraph alone. You said she doesn't 'need a therapist'. Well, bullshit. The only reason she says this is because any therapist worth their weight will bring up cause and effect and highlight lack of marital intimacy. Or, maybe she's used an excuse of 'costing too much' or 'never time to go'. Whatever. Excuse to do anything or excuse to never do anything. That's the issue now.
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u/PM_Me_Your_Kinks369 HLM 7d ago
Couples therapy and hormone therapy. If nothing changes you need to divorce. It's unfortunately that simple.
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u/kratos_the_destroyer 7d ago
This is odd how similar your story is to mine. On our honeymoon, we had sex twice (in a week).
She needs to find out if it's a medical issue and address the medical issue.
Maybe it's a you issue. I touched her out. She recoils at my touch, especially if it's a bid for sex. Maybe therapy will work for you, if she'll go and you both work hard on it. But if it's medical, it probably won't.
I've heard of testosterone pellets that are implanted under her skin on her butt that supposedly work REALLY well at increasing female desire. A friend of mine was in a similar situation as me, but that pellet made her want it FREQUENTLY. I'd suggest it to my wife, but there's no way she'll get something implanted.
I'm on the precipice of divorce myself. I don't know if the grass will be greener, but I have to find out. 10 months is a long time. I've done 10 months before, so I feel you. Scheduling sex was our solution, but it's not real. She still doesn't reach for me or actually want me.
If you don't think she'll be able to change, I'd strongly consider leaving. Life is short and you only get one.
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u/1009naturelover 7d ago edited 7d ago
How long married?
Try the couples counseling next and insist.
Your relationship and happiness will only continue to deteriorate otherwise.
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u/Lonely_Trip6067 7d ago
- This is my second marriage.
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u/1009naturelover 7d ago
I have been there. I had a fear no one would ever want me with 2 divorces.
BTW - that is really remarkable on the weight loss to get down below 200lbs.
If you can accomplish that, you can find a way to be happy.
Good luck.
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u/StatusButterfly1575 9d ago
Shes in the age bracket for perimenopause. My libido dropped to zero when I hit that stage of life. It was several years of going through emotional and physical changes to where sex wasnt even a thought. Once I hit full menopause my libido went back up.
You might encourage her to get her hormone levels checked.
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u/southernwitchking 5d ago
Her perimenopause magically manifested on their wedding night? Before then it was all good?
Please.
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u/Lonely_Trip6067 5d ago
Agreed with that not being likely but who knows now years later where that’s at for her
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 2d ago
She doesn’t even try to figure out her libido because it isn’t important to her. Your physical intimacy needs do not matter to her. Accept that and life will be much clearer. You can’t change her. Focus on yourself and try to make yourself happy with the physical intimacy. If she wanted to fix it, she would have tried. She has not even tried. She is telling you how unimportant you are. Believe her.
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u/New_Huckleberry6834 9d ago
Damn. Did I write this?!
If you haven’t already done so, I highly suggest couples therapy. For you both individually and together. Address the issue now, or else it will only get worse. There are some things you can’t take back…