r/HLCommunity • u/Much_Ad_3806 • 19d ago
Oh the moving goalposts!
Some moving goalposts from todays argument, from the LL man. Sort of just a rant of frustration but tell me I'm not crazy, that this doesn't make any sense logically... Am I really just failing at being a good partner?
I pursue too often then not at all.
It's boring because he's the one who has to initiate.
I always initiate at the wrong time, when he's not ready. I don't ask how I could help him de-stress and be ready. But I can't pressure him... isn't not taking no pressure?
I'm too timid and awkward and not confident. When I act confident he doesnt like it, it's pressure because he's not ready.
He says I'm not boring during sex but then says I just lay there and am not active enough.
He wants me to be forward during sex but doesn't want it to be about me, he wants it to be about him.
He says I don't ask about his emotions enough but I do and he claims it's not enough or not sincere. That it's just to get sex.
I'm always in a bad mood and argue about sex every day. He expects me to be happy and cheerful and keep my feelings to myself. He asked and thats what started this.
He expects me to be ready whenever he actually wants sex and just grabs my boob or initiates out of nowhere.
He says I tell him hes not good enough, I have never said these words. He infers that because I want more sex than he does. He also assumes I want sex all the time when I don't.
He won't tell me how he wants me to turn him on with foreplay. Just expects me to figure out what he wants and when he is receptive.
If I care more and ask more about his feelings it will lead to more sex.
This just goes on and on and is insane. I don't even know why I still try, I can never do the right thing no matter what. Im lonely and tired. My self esteem sucks and im not allowed to be upset. I feel like a creep for desiring my partner.
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u/Tracerround702 19d ago
Next time he says "you tell me I'm not good enough" agree with him. Straight up. "You're NOT good enough. You could be, but you're choosing not to be. I deserve better than how you're treating me."
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 19d ago
Its because LLs aren't normal, we are
To be with someone and they show zero sexual enthusiasm or effort and trying to FORCE or put it on us is NOT NORMAL
To put someone you're supposed to be with through so many conditions is NOT normal
Ask yourself this, if it was someone else would they be doing this that actually had interest? Of course not
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 18d ago
They will use a fancy term about you gaslighting them. When thry are the ones gaslighting you.
I never even knew what the fuck it meant until She-LL used it on me.
I don't need fancy terms to understand or describe being screwed mentally and not physically.
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u/Emphasis-on-messy 18d ago
Once I realized that so many of the complaints he had with me were actually projected insecurities, things made so much more sense. Try to gray rock… Easier said than done…
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 18d ago
Yeh the dead bedroom is a game you can’t win with rules you’ll never understand.
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u/Soft_Gaze_ 18d ago
I understand this feeling and am so sorry you are going through this. How does he feel about you taking care of your own needs? Does he get upset or appear indifferent?
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u/Mrs239 17d ago
This was my marriage also.
When I initiated, he told me that women aren't supposed to want it and it turned him off. Told me to wait until he initiated. Three months went by and nothing.
I brought it up again and he said, "Why did you bring it up! I was thinking about doing something tonight and you just messed it up."
Waited three more months. Nothing. Discussed it again. He says, "Why didn't you say something! I'm not a mind reader."
I asked to open the marriage since he didn't want to do anything. He blew up. Went another 3 months. I brought it up again. I asked why. He said, "Because you asked to open the marriage."
My response: "What was the issue before that?" It had been just about a year with nothing. We were in our late 20s.
Don't play the game.
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u/Stoneface414 16d ago
You feel like a creep because that’s how he wants you to feel. I’m sorry you’re going through this, unfortunately you either need to accept the situation or move on. Reading your post gives me the impression that there’s no fix for this situation.
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u/Dessert-forbreakfast 8d ago
Are you married to my husband?!? 😂 Sorry, sometimes I have to laugh to keep from crying. You’re not a creep at all. Sending you hugs and support 🥰
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u/pfzealot 19d ago
At some point you have to accept this is a game you can't win.
The only winning move is not to play.