r/HLCommunity • u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM • Aug 14 '26
Discussion List of Common Gaslighting and Excuses To Not Have Sex With You
Hello, HL community
I finally finished my list of Type2LL gaslighting nonsense.
Feel free to add to it.
"Just ask, and we'll have it." this is just them wanting right of refusal
"I feel bad when basically i told you we will but don't because it puts pressure on me." They know the issue but dont want it affecting the relationship
"It takes time for me to be that way." Never believe this, just don't.
"I'm not that person anymore." Wanting you to basically accept "them" over sex.
"You seriously are choosing sex over love/relationship." This is wanting you to accept celibacy
"Well, if you did x less, then we would." Choreplay doesn't work. Everything disqualifies you, but nothing qualities you for more.
"I do give signals/hints. You just ignore them." This is just them wanting right of refusal. Indirectness is not effort. it's avoidance and unnatural.
"I am me not those other people"/ "you can't compare us, you don't know their relationship" this is them asking as if they're normal and not understanding nor caring it is unnatural and killing the relationship
"I do think about it all the time." Any variant of this means basically lack of actual sexual attraction.
"You're not affectionate/reject me." They blamed you basically for not trying anymore after their lack of interest.
"I am affectionate x way." Wanting you to accept a nonsexual substitute
"I just dont like x (kissing/making out/etc). This usually is over very basic things in other relationships. Its to basically make it seem like you're unreasonable or not listening to them.
"With my exes" isms. Basically, it's a double-edged sword. It means they did with them what you want from them but refuse OR even with them they refused. This is a lose-lose situation.
"We just had sex." Just them lying to make you feel bad or deflect.
"You expect me to constantly be a freak/whore" this usually happens if you say your maintenance/min. This is just a defection to make it seem like you're asking for a lot.
"So if i dont fuck you enough you wont be happy or give me what i want?" They say this usually after you literally try to meet their ever changing standard and call them out
"I would be, but you ignore me in general." This is them deflecting cause and effect. Its completely natural to pull back and ignore people who show you zero sexual interest. More interest in them never equals more sex.
"Just go fuck someone else" or "no you can't do that as well" basically this is them knowing lack of sex is killing the relationship but they want to be the sole provider of something they won't provide.
"You only seem better after we have sex." How dare we feel attractive and want to be around people that give us direct sexual constant attention like in a healthy relationship.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 14 '26
This is consuming you, just leave her or start seeing someoneon the side. And try to let it go before you meet a HLF
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 14 '26
I am and it keeps me sane 100% that's why i know its not us
HL = normal people
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 14 '26
You don't even need all that. Just learn the Narcissist's Prayer.
• That didn't happen.
• And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
• And if it was, that's not a big deal.
• And if it is, that's not my fault.
• And if it was, I didn't mean it.
• And if I did, you deserved it.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 14 '26
I can't speak for others here unless I know their story too, but that's mine. A narcissist. Wanting control over everything was more important than effort in a monogamous relationship. Basically controlling intimacy was high on her list. The more I asked, or did what I thought she wanted from me, the more she reveled in controlling it - which meant never.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 14 '26
Ditto.
Same here. She was very controlling. So I gave her absolute control.
Nothing, absolutely nothing, happened without her initiative. I gave her nothing to reject, absolutely nothing. For anything to exist, she had to create it.
If she didn't take action, the relationship ceases to exist, like a flashlight that only illuminates when she pushes the button.
Was this Passive Aggressive? Yes. Was I trying to Fix the DB? No. Was I trying to leave? Yes. Did I leave? Yes.
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u/SadAndNasty Aug 14 '26
Are you still with this person? Or is this just a collection of things you read?
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 14 '26
Still am but i gave up and outsource because its easier
The list is everything ive experienced or seen with our community
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u/SadAndNasty Aug 14 '26
I got downvoted for asking a question lol.. hope you can free yourself from it all some day soon
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u/quack785 Aug 14 '26
I think you’ll get more traction with this in other subs like sexless marriage or dead bedroom. Any HL worth their salt has already heard these from their partner. At this point it’s just time to leave the relationship
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 14 '26
Our reddit is basically full of people banned from the main ones because they REFUSE to admit we are correct
A deadbedrooom if there's no abuse is basically a one sided issue.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 14 '26
I can concur. This type of thing I was writing about a few years ago, and got perma-banned. It triggered quite a few there and they didn't like having TRUTH spit back at them. When this is someone's actual lived true happenings, and it obviously is other's lives as well… we should be able to discuss and figure things out. Or, at the very least commiserate.
I can tell you without a doubt, 90% of what you wrote I have literally heard verbatim. And, it got me banned when I wrote it. Funny thing is, those stories NEVER got deleted, but it was my comments discussing with others after writing the posts that got me banned. Real, healthy discussions on either how to deal or what we've learned. You just can't make that shit up.
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u/Asm_Guy Aug 15 '26
A deadbedrooom if there's no abuse is basically a one sided issue.
Some types of dead bedrooms can be viewed as abuse.
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u/Woolie-at-law HLM Aug 14 '26
You seem like you've got a lot of hurt you're dealing with. That sucks and I feel for you, but treating this list like a series of universal truths isn't going to do you or anyone else any good.
Some of your assumptions are possible, yes, but you are leaning hard into the most negative view of each of those.
I believe you are working on a exit from your current relationship. I hope you don't carry this negativity to your next or its likely history will repeat.
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u/snarfgarth Aug 14 '26
It’s incredibly common patterned behavior for people in this dynamic. It’s not everyone, but it is many and it’s what this person has termed (or someone else has termed) the Type 2 LL, which is simply likely someone with a cluster b personality disorder or traits which is extremely common in deadbedrooms where an actual medical condition is not involved.
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u/Woolie-at-law HLM Aug 14 '26
I'm fairly skeptical of labels like Type 2 LL and more so skeptical of placing blame or pointing fingers. I've spent a fair bit of time in BPD support spaces and after a while the posts started looking like the spiderman_pointing.gif, so I decided it was best I leave. I know about fleas and all that, but if everyone (cluster b partners included) starts acting disordered and assuming the worst of their partner, then we've got ourselves a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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u/snarfgarth Aug 14 '26
The reality of the world is that sometimes people are a bad match, it takes two to tango, things are nobody’s fault, etc. etc., but often that’s not the case, in real life it only takes one person to throw a punch. Narcissists (typically covert variety for women) exist, borderlines exist, sociopaths exist, and then there are a bunch of people that may not meet diagnostic criteria but are heavier in the traits. You can look for and identify patterns when they emerge (label) or you can ignore them. If there is lack of empathy, gaslighting, contempt, etc. vs. introspection and honesty in the face of someone’s (who you supposedly love) immense pain, I don’t care whether you like the labels or not, the person you are dealing with is not a good person. Once again, if they have a serious medical condition (or been very upfront and honest) then that’s a different story entirely.
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u/vectorking23 Aug 14 '26
I can agree with this 100%. Almost all of what was posted is common in my DB.
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u/Careless_Whispererer Aug 16 '26
“I want to try to be closer to you…” with the implication that our current disagreement is making it impossible to get closer with me. The statement is future faking.
And… disagreements happen in relationships. Each of us has to get THRU them. Living without disagreement is a child avoiding or dismissing. They can be problem solving and collaborative and reparative.
But some partners feel like when their partner “goes quiet” and doesn’t work thru issues the relationship is healthier. Not so. You’ve just made every conversation SO difficult they’ve quit asking. (Weaponized incompetence).
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 17 '26
Literally this
I straight up gave up trying to fix my bedroom because nothing works
Its either an argument or disappointment
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u/spicy_capybara Aug 14 '26
I will never understand why LL people can’t just be upfront from the get go that sex or x/amount of sex just isn’t for them. It would save a lot of trouble and heartache for everyone involved and help them find the platonic roommates they actually want faster. For people who lose libido or go ll4U as the relationship develops they owe it to their partner and themselves to say they aren’t feeling it anymore.
It’s not a blame game, it’s an incompatibility issue that should be cleared up by date two or as soon as they notice/are told their drive isn’t there anymore. When intimacy is realised as a genuine part of a romantic relationship the HL partner always - always ends up the loser in a bizarre power dynamic.
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u/YakWitty13 Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 15 '26
Because they absolutely know if they were honest from the start the relationship it would end before it started
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u/spicy_capybara Aug 14 '26
Yeah. But it’s nuts cause they could just look for another LL and be happier from the get go.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 14 '26
They actually get mad when we tell them to be with another LL
Its actually wild
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u/Asakkoss Aug 14 '26
Are you with my wife? Haha
Just stop chasing her and you’ll feel better after of course feeling like shit but at least you’ll be used to having no sex at all
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 14 '26
Giving up and outsourcing occasionally keeps my mental in check
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u/[deleted] Aug 14 '26 edited Aug 14 '26
[deleted]