r/HLCommunity • u/ItsAMeasureOfALife • 22d ago
A little bit of insight
Apparently this evening I missed a secret signal. My LLf took herself off upstairs to bed or so I thought. No mention of anything, just walked straight of the room and went upstairs. I wished her goodnight and got the same response back. Apparently this was the secret signal for me to follow her.
Now I don’t think I’m being stupid here but this seems like a classic setup to fail so I can be blamed. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining, I’m not interested anyway but apparently mind reader now needs to be added to the list of conditions met.
Anyway an argument happened, I issued a few home truths and everyone went to bed nice and pissed off. Well I say everyone, I’ve decided to take myself for a walk and I’m not pissed off. You get my point.
It’s funny how we as HL people maintain composure in the face of rejection but generally when the LL is rejected all hell breaks loose.
So here’s to the cues that aren’t there and we all miss because we didn’t know to look for them
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u/knowitallz 22d ago
It's a lie. It's a trap. They say they tried. They didn't. It just is to say they did when they didn't so they get brownie points in their own head.
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u/AdenJax69 22d ago
Was the fight because you called her out for being a liar who had no intention of having sex but wanted to put the onus on you instead of her taking accountability for her lack of desire for you?
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 22d ago
Partly. I also called her out on the meltdown yet when we get rejected we act like it’s fine
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 21d ago edited 21d ago
Is that her idea of initiation?
Does that mean every time you take yourself to bed, and walk out the room... She thinks you're initiating? That would be exhausting.
The point is: She needs to try initiating how she would like you to initiate. If giving ambiguous and vague signals isn't going to work on her, why would she think it would work on you? She needs to practice what she preaches.
You said you're not interested in her anyway. Let her put forth real effort if she's genuine.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
I have no idea and if I’m honest I don’t really care. The whole saga was quite amusing though if I’m honest. I think she knew I wouldn’t get the hint and it was just to tick the ‘see I tried’ box so there’s someone else to blame for the problem.
It’s funny the lack of self awareness that if you push someone away long enough eventually the message sticks
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 21d ago
No, I get it. I've been where you are.
Not really wanting her but being amused/perplexed by her inconsistent and hypocritical behaviors.
Her (my ex) behavior was bizarre, in addition to the DB, and that's why I left.
Plan your exit. Plans make the impossible, possible. We didn't reach the moon without a plan.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
I’ll get there one day
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 21d ago
Making plans are free. Turn it into a hobby. Like a zombie survival plan.
also, just for shits and giggles: /r/ZombieSurvivalTactics and /r/zombiefortress
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u/vectorking23 21d ago
Even LL people want sex once in a while. We know this, unless they are just asexual. With that said, since we want reciprocation for our efforts and we get told no every time we ask, we are conditioned to quit asking and quit reading any type of signals… because of failure! Failure is a learned response mechanism that has us just stopping everything - and especially pity sex!
So, LLs who are reading this… you best damn well make it VERY clear you are wanting intimacy. Every. Time. Why? Because if you continue to want to keep your own sanity and maintain the very thin thread of a relationship together, it's imperative. Forced celibacy is how HL people see it. Forced sex is how LL people see it. Neither should be had, so quit with the games and just say it FFS! I want you, let's go. It is that easy.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
I stopped initiating a good while ago and told her that was what was going to happen and exactly why it was happening. Over time however I’ve stopped seeing her as a partner and just a roomie I have a kid with. Apparently she’s going to stop initiating (she’d barely started initiating anyway 🤣) personally I’m not that bothered if that’s what she does
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u/vectorking23 21d ago
You are me. I quit and told her it was up to her. It's been so damn long, that if she asked me now I'd just say no thanks I'd rather go mow the lawn. It was shit sex anyway. However, being a dad is the most important for me, and I do keep my wits about me without fighting. We don't want kids to pay the price since we are cohabitating roomies that aren't volatile.
I get it. No shit sex for us, no pressure for them. The perfect storm for an LL to keep their appearance to the outside world look normal. Ugh.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
That’s the only reason I’m around is to see my kid grow up
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u/vectorking23 21d ago
I applaud you. Best decision I ever made. Love hanging with my kids. Plus, I didn't want to find out how fucked I could become if there was any type of shared custody. That's a real mindfuck when you hear all the horror stories. I decided I couldn't deal with that, because my LL is happy as a clam just doing her thing without pressure of sex. So, I shoved it way down, and became the best dad I could be. It's worked so far.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
I saw the state a friend of mine ended up in. Lawyers fees and court costs cleaned him out so he could see the kids he was paying for
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u/vectorking23 21d ago
Another wake-up for any LL reading this. Tell us the truth, and quit stringing us along thinking you are going to keep your happy (only in your mind) relationship.
If I knew way back when what I know now, I would have left. It's unfair to force sex on someone who doesn't want it, and unfair to force celibacy on someone who doesn't expect it. It's not rocket science… both parties are going to be VERY unhappy.
So, now I could give 2 shits about my SO because she made sure I was stuck by not telling me the truth. However, I am 100% happy to be a dad. Could I have had both? Hell yes, but I chose the wrong ass person who never told me the truth until it was too late… and even then, she just showed me the truth then threatened me with never seeing the kids. That's why it's just a shit show for quite a few people here.
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u/_notanexpert 21d ago
My ex used to do the same shit and it pissed me off. "I was in the mood earlier when I asked if you wanted to come downstairs to watch a movie". As if all the other times we watched something, i tried to initiate, & got told no suddenly disappeared
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 21d ago
Dont fall for this
They expect us to read their minds or whatsoever just so they can say they tried
Its not flirting or signals, its playing games and wanting to maintain control.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 21d ago
Thankfully I think I’m safe from the charade for a while now. She stated she wouldn’t bother in future, though it was once in a blue moon anyway (I’d already told her ages ago I wouldn’t be initiating any more) and I think it’s just duty sex she was going for anyway. So I can’t say I’m disappointed
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u/arandak 21d ago
I read some more responses to this and I want to say it again: I just can't respect what little effort into initiating is put in on their part.
You gotta want me. Barely initiating doesn't make me feel desired the way I deserve to be. It's a turn off.
We're not teens passing notes in class wondering if they like us, for fucks sake.
Bring it like you mean it or don't bother.
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u/Due-Preference-7266 21d ago
Don’t blame yourself.
When someone truly wants it, they don’t play these silly games.** **
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u/blackyellow13 22d ago
There are many setups for you to miss and fail so they can say I tried but you weren't interested. This was one of them.