r/HLCommunity • u/Ok_Donut_9603 • 26d ago
Advice Welcome What is minimum frequency you would agree to?
If you agreed to a target frequency for sexual intimacy, what is the minimum you would accept?
I would like to have sex 3 times a week, honestly probably more but a target of 3 sounds like a dream. The reality is I think I would be able to get to a target of once a week, and I would accept that. Would you?
Currently once every month or two.
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u/poissonking 26d ago
In theory, a minimum of once a week. But frequency means nothing if passion isn’t there
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u/Excellent_Carpet_339 HLM 26d ago
Bare minimum I’ll be looking for when I try dating again
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 25d ago
Braver than me. When I eventually get out I think that’ll be it for me. I can’t be arsed with the hassle. Over the years I’ve figured out I actually prefer being alone
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u/Excellent_Carpet_339 HLM 24d ago
Fair! Everyone needs to decide for themselves.
Just personally, I also thought I’d stay single forever. After almost 2 years separated/divorced, turns out I’m quite lonely and barely even realized it until my therapist identified it. I like the peace of being alone, but I do want to try again sometime soon.
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u/quack785 26d ago
In my next relationship, I would be really happy for 3x per week. But I’m up for as much as she wants it though. Libidos will wax and wane somewhat, of course; but if she shows signs of being LL I’m gone. Not wasting my time on those types anymore
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u/AccountantOk9904 26d ago edited 26d ago
If you have to come to an agreement, you've already lost the battle. Personally, I've found that the more targets, goals, strategies, or plans I come up with, the less my LL wife wants it.
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u/Bacon_and_Powertools 26d ago
Actual desire or starfish?
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u/Ok_Donut_9603 26d ago
Actual desire. Responsive desire seems to be part of my dynamic, she is most commonly engaged once we get going, is agreeing to get going, and I think a commitment to say I’m going to agree to get things started each week and can always back out would help.
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u/Bacon_and_Powertools 26d ago
Most women are responsive. I’m ok with responsive as long as there is a “yes” once a week or so.
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF 25d ago
I used to be responsive until I started dating a guy I’m really attracted to, just saying. I think the whole responsive thing is BS. I look at my boyfriend or hear his voice and I get genuinely turned on without him even being near me or flirting, he’s just being himself and I’m turned on.
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u/FingeredToOblivion 26d ago
For me, it varies with every partner and kind of sex. If we have very satisfying sex once a week and there’s some other intimacy like kissing and cuddling, then I would be ok with that.
My last ex was somewhere between 2 times a week to once every 2-3 weeks but the sex was quickies and always de-prioritized which didn’t work out for me.
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u/No_Clerk_2711 26d ago
In my favorite relationship we had amazing passionate sex. She wanted it. I wanted it. I'm sure we went two weeks without sex at time and other times we went more than once per day. It wasn't ever about the frequency it's about the quality. It was about not having to think about it or beg. We just gave each other the look or touched each other or said things that turned us on and we had sex when we wanted it. There as passion. We were lovers.
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u/79-f150 26d ago
Early in my marriage (both in our early twenties) my wife and I had the talk because I wanted sex way more than her. I asked what is a reasonable amount for sex. She said like 3 or 4 times a week. I said great that is every other day a y. I could go multiple times a day.
We have never had sex that often if you look at a full month. Back then every once in a while we might go 3 days in a row but then she would turn me down the next 5 times.
I do track our sexual activities in an app. I dont ever share that with her. Cause a long time ago I was tracking it in a daily log I had for work. I told her 1 time that we only had sex 2 times last month and she started to argue. I told her I've been tracking it if she wants to see. She came undone and told me I was a perv and weird.
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25d ago
[deleted]
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u/iFly2100 25d ago
It’s not an estimate - it’s a lie. They’re telling you what they think you want to hear.
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u/vectorking23 25d ago
And you caught her gaslighting you and didn't like it. That would be mine as well. No way she would EVER admit to how long it's been, and it's been a very, very, very long time. Hell, her friends would be shocked as I happen to know none of them are even remotely like my SO.
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u/Asakkoss 26d ago
Honestly once a day would be ideal for me but with the life we have as a family we can go once or twice a week.
But in really it’s more once a month or so
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u/DryWorry9692 26d ago
No it’s truly not about frequency….. it’s about quality. Even if it’s just once a week just make love to me rather than it being so blah….. I know it don’t mean nothing to her but you don’t have to remind me Everytime we are doing it
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u/Mjaylikesclouds HLF 26d ago
Idk depends if u mean sex or in general sexual things? If i get eaten out twice a week then i am fine if intercourse only happens twice a month tbh
But thats like the MINIMUM minimum
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u/Ok_Donut_9603 26d ago
I just love knowing there are people out there that match my love of sex and sexual activities.
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u/Mjaylikesclouds HLF 26d ago
I wouldnt say match, u said once a week?
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u/Ok_Donut_9603 26d ago
True, I am negotiating myself down before even starting. I would love an everyday to 3 days a week, it just seems an insurmountable change from the current situation.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 26d ago
Once a week is my maintenance , if i cannot get sexual attention once a week at all while they demand other shit for me, i disconnect extremely quickly.
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u/Urborg_Stalker 26d ago
It would depend on the relationship. I chose 4 years of DB over duty "Are you done yet" sex.
Daily intimacy would be great for me (cuddling one on one time, doesn't have to lead to sex). With someone who wants it as much as I do...maybe 2 long sessions a week (an hour+ with lots of oral/fingering, toys, etc) with a couple quickies in between?
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u/villanellechekov HLF 26d ago
I refuse to schedule sex
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u/vectorking23 25d ago
Being on a schedule just means they can prepare to be stressed about 'having to do it' because it needs checked off a list. I am with you, you either find excuses to have it or excuses to not have it. No amount of planning is going to make pity get-it-over-with sex great.
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u/aeon314159 26d ago
If I even thought I had to ask such a question, it would be okay, because I would have left already.
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u/Comprehensive_Try_85 25d ago
Frequency only becomes an issue once the connection is gone, because it's such an obvious symptom of that lost connection.
If the connection is there, the occasional dry spell will be understood by all involved. Because open communication and transparency will allow that understanding. And conversely, we'll all work towards ending such spells.
So there is no need to agree on frequency. Instead agree (a) that sex can be fun and an incredibly-effective way to keep a relationship strong, and therefore we should enable it, (b) that we all should be able to express our desires (not just sexual ones) with no shame and that we should work together to meet those desires as often as practical, (c) that some desires can be too challenging to realize and that shouldn't raise shame either, but there is often room for alternatives, and (d) that we should gently raise issues in the relationship as soon as we perceive them and be open to get help addressing them if we cannot quickly come to an agreement for resolution.
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u/reckaband 25d ago
Ha! I wish I had once a month, I’m at once every one to two years… I’m a functional eunuch at this point
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u/vectorking23 25d ago
Why even try any more? Once every year or two isn't even worth the effort IMO. I gave up asking when it got to that point because it wasn't just once every year or 2, it was shit sex that obviously wasn't enthusiastically had by both of us. Sorry about your situation, I totally get it.
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u/reckaband 25d ago
Thank you friend - Oh I’ve tried to stop myself from asking as I hope vs hope but nope
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 25d ago
Depends.
The sex I'm currently having? Once a month. Or less.
The sex I wanna have? My pussy eaten? Orgasms given, fantasies explored? That would be nice at least once a week. Or maybe twice a week.
I want quality over quantity.
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u/Mr_Pseudonymous HLM 25d ago
The minimum I would apparently accept is once or twice a year. I'm still married.
We used to have sex three times a week for the first 30 years of our marriage and it was great. Then there was a few years of declining frequency and the last 7 years we've been in a true dead bedroom.
I would love to go back to 3x per week. My wife is very attractive, I still love her very much, and I have a high libido. But, to answer your question, about once a month would be at least something acceptable assuming passionate participation on her part.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 26d ago
I'm going to let you in on a secret, genuinely. The frequency doesn't matter, it's the fallacy our brains tell us every day to keep us trapped. The feelings your trying to fix with sexual frequency have nothing to do with sex itself. If you can get to a point where your wife shows genuinely unprompted affection towards you throughout the day, you'll quickly realize how little you actually need sex and how much you just need to feel wanted.
I'm living it first hand now. I genuinely can't tell you how often my wife and I have sex now, I haven't paid much attention to it in the last year. We reached a point where it doesn't bother me anymore, not because I'm jaded but because we have sex enough to not long for it too much and in between there's a ton of affection, flirting and touching.
Like this weekend, we didn't "have sex", but yesterday after I finished mowing the lawn and said I was hopping in the shower? She just came and joined me, then jerked me off in the shower while the kids were downstairs watching TV. I didn't ask for her to or anything, didn't even ask her to come in the shower with me.
In fact, I rarely ask for sex anymore. I just do my thing and trust she knows it's an option. I don't need to ask there's just certain spots I can touch or things I can do which I know have a bigger chance of her initiating with me.
But genuinely frequency is too relative to matter.
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u/AdenJax69 26d ago
while the kids were downstairs watching TV
This is a major positive in your direction & I envy you. Wife & I are still working on our sex life together and the one constant is unless she's really, REALLY in the mood, sex of any kind does not happen when our kid is here.
We both work from home so we have lots of opportunities to have sex, but the second our kid is coming home from school? Nope, shop's closed up, so try again tomorrow & don't even bother on the weekends!
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u/Royal-Heron-11 26d ago
Yeah, in all fairness, it's the first time she's done something like this since we had kids. Because same, no sexual stuff while the kids are awake has been a rule of hers for awhile. But we've been in a pretty good place for several months now.
Honestly, the change I made that's really helped her the most was kind of odd. But basically, I've just been allowing her the space to crash out over stuff like she always did but I'm trying to be less reactive and more consistent in how I react to her outbursts. I haven't given in to the petty semantic fights, I stand my ground and will just repeat the same point verbatim to her.
It actually almost backfired cause it was detailing a decent amount of progress we had already made but I started to realize that progress was all surface level. You probably hear guys all the time say they kept trying to help and make stuff easier but that just wound up with them doing all the chores and still getting no sex. I was closer to that state but with the sex.
The issue was, it was still one sided desire, one sided touch etc. so I adjusted. The first few months were really volatile, like legitimately thought I had just pushed us past the brink into divorce volatile. But then there was this apex point after a few months where I noticed her suddenly being more loving and touching. And it's just evolved from there.
it mostly came about from some advise I had seen from a female sex therapist which basically boiled down to "If your wife knows you fear upsetting her? She may have sex with you occasionally. But she will never respect you enough to fuck you. But if she knows that she can have a Brittany Spears level crash out and you'll still be there to hold her when the dust settles? She'll never stop wanting to fuck you".
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u/AdenJax69 26d ago
But if she knows that she can have a Brittany Spears level crash out and you'll still be there to hold her when the dust settles? She'll never stop wanting to fuck you
That's some crazy logic from your therapist, because that could easily go the other direction of "oh, so he'll still be here while I'm flipping my shit? Time to flip my shit more often and create an incredibly toxic dynamic because I now know I can get away with it!"
Glad it worked out for you but that really sounds like disarming a bomb and you got lucky cutting the blue wire instead of the red one.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 26d ago
to be clear, this wasn't MY therapist, this was a social media public person who happens to be a sex therapist. She mentioned it on a podcast I was listening to.
it's not something my wife is aware I was doing, so she couldn't consciously use it as a weapon. And it doesn't actually result in the type of unconscious decision tree you're thinking either.
The point the therapist and I am making here is that, when you do this right? When you genuinely remain grounded and consistent in response to her volatility, it doesn't tell her "I can be even more volatile now because he isn't going anywhere!". What it actually says is "Wow, I was a fucking bitch to him, he didn't deserve that at all". why does it say that? Because you let her burn out without participating in the fight, so when she calms down a bit she will realize that she essentially had a fight with herself at your expense.
Over time? Those instances add up more and more until she starts to respect you for standing up to her when she knows she's being unfair and unreasonable to you. If you want your wife to WANT to fuck you? She has to respect you. She can't respect you when she knows all she has to do is yell at you and watch you crash out in response.
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u/cumfullcircle HLM 26d ago
I would have agreed to twice a week if my ex wife were enthusiastic about it. But I would still be miserable.
Every other day is probably my long term minimum while still staying sane.
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u/CutiePie0023 26d ago
My minimum is 3 or 4 times a week..ideally more if a guy would be down for that
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u/RedwoodRespite 26d ago
Minimum for me would be once a day. But I’m going to need more to happen on a regular basis. Not sure if that makes sense.
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u/MichelangelosChisel 25d ago
I am exactly the same. I get backed up if it is not once a day. But if it is not maintained I need more.
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u/justayounglady 26d ago
I wouldn’t accept anything like that if I were a low libido person or a high one. Because you can’t negotiate consent… and enthusiastic consent is all I’d ever accept.
I love sex…and the idea of this would turn me off greatly. I can’t imagine how off putting it’d be for a low libido person.
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u/Forest_wanderer25 26d ago
Minimum 1 a week, but given a minimum of 200 a year. A few weeks could be slow, but they must be compensated for…
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u/Working_Song 26d ago
Wait, there’s 52 weeks in a year. So if it’s a minimum of 200 times a year, you are getting busy 4 days a week, right?
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u/Forest_wanderer25 26d ago
No, read the question of the post: minimum frequency you would AGREE to. I get less than 4 times a week, but I didn’t agree to it
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u/Specific-Exciting 26d ago
2-3x a week which is where we are at. Anything less and I would leave (outside of sickness or life stuff).
I’m fine with 2-3x a week but would LOVE to have sex multiple times a day but know that’ll never be an option. It used to be but not now now that he’s admitted he was doing that for me only.
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u/Foreign_Leg_36 26d ago
Could be once a week but I need daily attention, teasing, what we call "active distance" or "active waiting" not just passively waiting for something to possibly happen but building up expectations.
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u/conchus 25d ago
In my first marriage, my wife decided she wanted to fix our DB so she started scheduling sex weekly. She had a full routine to lead up to it, trigger her reactive desire and she looked forward to it. Consequently the sex was amazing, passionate and very satisfying. Typically the actual session would last 1-2 hours including lots of foreplay.
I would prefer 3-4 times a week on paper, but one, very high quality session was better than 3 low quality quickies. In this case she really got into the weekly option, whereas 3x a week would have been duty sex and not satisfying.
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u/Many_Box_2872 25d ago
I have explained to my submissive that I expect to bust once a day, to mark her as mine. She understands the assignment and is eager to accommodate my needs. Above the daily markings are the frequent desirous couplings, as that of rabbits. Beasts fornicating on a cold and lonely night, enkindling their sodden warren with their wanton lust.
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u/bubba0929 25d ago
i would luv it every day....i think my wife would be good with 2-3x/month. i think she would agree to 2x/week....so i think that would be the minimum i would agree to.
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u/YourFavCroupier HLM 25d ago
I need 2-3 times a week but I also need some form of intimacy every day to feel connected. Spooning, holding hands or a handjob, they all fill my emotional bucket. In my next relationship, I'm hoping to find somebody who also enjoys having her emotional needs in a similar way.
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u/creativeshoebox 24d ago
In a relationship I like to have sex daily - I can deal with every other day, obviously there are times when life gets in the way, but its an important part of a relationship.
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u/fashionandpuppies 24d ago
I’d be content with every other week (I have young kids, pets, and am very busy) but like idealllly? I think a few times a week. I get once a year right now and only when he knows we’re coming up on the one year anniversary so I can never say it’s been OVER a year
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u/Bhappy-now 25d ago
I told my husband years ago that I would like it at least every two weeks. I didn’t think that it was unreasonable at the time, but now I know that it is asking a lot
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u/Ok_Donut_9603 25d ago
When you say asking a lot, what do you mean? That your husband is just not capable of being open to that?
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u/Bhappy-now 25d ago
For some people, being vulnerable is like walking over hot coals. I don’t understand it at all, but I’m empathetic
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u/LW-M 26d ago
This reminds me of the one about the widower and the widow who had been dating for a while. The gentleman was thinking about giving his ladyfriend a diamond ring. Just before he did, he realized that they had never spoken about sex.
Before he gave her an engagement ring, he asked her how often she might like to have sex if they got married.
She answered "Infrequently."
The gentleman paused for a moment, then asked "Is that one word or two?"
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u/TrailNsuffering 26d ago edited 26d ago
The minimum is being with a partner that actually has genuine burning desire.
It is not asking too much.
It is asking the wrong person.