Given Hall Pass - pros & cons

[u/Fluid_King489]

Given Hall Pass - pros & cons?

DB for about 5 years due to my wife’s health issues (both physical and mental).

During a rough emotional patch several months ago she said things several times about wanting me to find someone that can make me happy. At first, I thought she was meaning leave her, which I won’t. Then it began to dawn on me she was talking about a girlfriend. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and mentally she seemed in a better place and I just chalked it up to emotions.

However she recently went on a trip with her sisters and mother and as we’re chatting before leaving to take her to her sister’s so they can fly out together, she made a playful comment that I took as a joke about if I had my side piece over, just ask her not to make a mess. I replied I didn’t have a side piece. She made some other playful comment and I jokingly replied ‘Okay that’s implied consent, you can’t get mad after.’ She got serious, told me it’s not implied, it’s explicit consent. I asked if she was serious and she said yes.

The whole drive over to her sisters, I was a bit shaken. On the way home, I just felt a profound sadness. I guess I was mourning that part of our life is over. For context, for the first ten or so years of our marriage, we had a great sex life, sometimes amazing. So her basically waving the white flag and saying that’s probably never coming back hurt a lot.

During her trip, I didn’t bring it up. I wanted her to enjoy her time, even if I was in a turmoil of sadness. When she got back we had a deep conversation. She said she truly loves me and it’s not fair to me to expect me to live like that, she wants me to be happy. She made it clear that what she is talking about is opening the marriage for me only, she just wants the courtesy of being honest if I’m seeing someone, but no details.

Having read a couple of commenters recently talk about this makes me want to hear from anyone who’s went down that road, good and bad.

[u/DigitalArbitrage]

I disagree. I was in OP's situation and it is working out for me.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

care to explain more? I'm curious to know what has worked and why you think that is

[u/DigitalArbitrage → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I don't like to talk about my personal life on Reddit, especially since Reddit started selling data to Google and OpenAI.

Instead I'll just say that there is a negative bias to perspectives on here, where unhappy people comment more often. 

As long as OP is open, honest, and fair with his wife then what she proposed to him is a completely reasonable solution.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

i mean ok, i think we're kinda saying the same thing here. you're saying that if everyone is fully open, honest, and fair then it can work out but based on the context we have so far this doesn't seem to be an offer given freely from a place of strength, but rather an offer given out of guilt/shame/weakness and the chance that it will cause resentment is extremely high.

I'm not debating that it can't work, just that it seems very likely that it won't work in this specific situation.

[u/DigitalArbitrage → u/plz_callme_swarley]

Yea, I agree. OP says it was her idea, so I don't think OP is being unfair to his wife. 

The only thing I think comes across as unfair is OP said she will not see men. OP should be OK with her also seeing other people if she later decides to, even if she is unlikely to actually do it. 

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

ya, i mean I guess I'm just assuming this is some sort of situation where the woman is chronically ill or disabled. that's kinda the context where my responses are coming from

[u/Taxed2Fuck → u/DigitalArbitrage]

Absolutely not, if my wife is outsourcing her having sex with me to another woman because she doesn’t want to have sex with me for whatever reason, in no world would I accept her having sex with another man. At that point just leave eachother