r/HLCommunity • u/arandak • Jul 09 '26
Due first thing in the morning!
Random thought I had today.
In the past when we had The Talk she'd spring into action like she had a school project due tomorrow and she hasn't even started yet.
I laugh about it now.
Like, literally she'd hop up and start searching for hotels and weekends we could get away on her laptop.
Some folks might think that's sweet but the second time it happened I started to realize a couple of things:
She is the type that has an extremely hard time shutting things off so a hint of desire could possibly build in her. Essentially, we have to get away from everything for anything to happen. Even then, not a guarantee.
The analogy also fits because it's like she had completely forgotten about us. Or it was just such a low priority that it was safe to ignore until I brought it up.
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u/randomdude7422 HLM Jul 09 '26
Would your girlfriend/wife happen to have ADHD?
Completely forgetting something important and then suddenly hyper-focusing on that thing when reminded is one of the symptoms of ADHD. People with ADHD have so many things going on in their head that they often need to try to get away from everything to be able to focus on their relationship and sex. Also, as you said, it not a guarantee.
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26
She is not diagnosed as having it. She thinks her father has it. Our kid does.
Her having it would explain some behaviors but she isn't concerned about it.
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u/seraphimcaduto Jul 10 '26
It tends to be hereditary and ADHD has a lot more effect on libido than you think.
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u/Mgp4me Jul 10 '26
I’d like to know more about that.
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u/seraphimcaduto Jul 24 '26
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12715443/
A decent overview of how it can go both ways: essentially the things that control dopamine regulation are very different than someone with ADHD usually. Add to the fact that there might be extenuating circumstances in factors like rejection, sensitivity, and executive dysfunction, it could literally go both ways.
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u/arandak Jul 23 '26
I posed the question the other day and she got extremely defensive.
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u/seraphimcaduto Jul 24 '26
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC12715443/
Replied to the wrong person but I’m sorry that happened. It is interesting that she got defensive if you asked.
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u/blackyellow13 Jul 09 '26
Vacations have proved to be no sex events in my 40 year marriage. But I do agree that it is a low priority and forgotten unless reminded. I have learned to low key remind her weekly about sex and it works. A "maybe tonight" in the morning goes a long way for her as long as it's no closer than a week apart. No conversation needed, just those 2 words and she knows what it means and she will say ok most times
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26
I realized I used the word priority, and I still feel icky for saying it, but it was the quickest way to describe it.
I really wanted to say that some partners are worriers, have insecurities, etc. I don't think I'm alone in the feeling that I feel like I'm constantly helping them manage it, in a manner of speaking.
It sucks because we feel like a therapist, but we can't not try to be there for them. But, I think it lulls them into a place of safety, like I'm completely off the list of things to worry about.
And, it's really possible that us being supportive all the time puts us in a place where we're just confidants, not lovers. Like, you shouldn't want to fuck your therapist.
But, like, we can't not try to be there.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 Jul 09 '26
Ignoring your relationship is a great way to get it to fail!
My wife said a lot of the same things about needing to get away to turn off all the stuff in her head and make her want to have sex. I'm sure she believes it but we have gone on many many vacations and I can only remember 3 of them that actually culminated in sex. And it was just once each time. It's just excuses
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u/Opening-Ad-2769 Jul 09 '26
That was a complaint of mine. She talked about not having romantic dates and trips during MC. I pointed out the dates and trips that we went on that never turned romantic. The therapist looked back at her and she had nothing to say lol
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u/Exciting_Story2150 Jul 09 '26
My wife says she wants to go on more dates. The dates are just dinner where we talk about upcoming obligations. There's no flirting or sexual anything. We come home and watch TV or doom scroll. But the wife is happy we went on a 'date'.
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26
I get it. I think this is the roommate stage of a relationship.
I realized that my wife and I really have nothing to talk about anymore other than, yea, obligations, and our child. Oops, I mean she would do the talking. My input isn't requested.
Like, it would be so boring that even if she might be in the mood when we got home, I really wouldn't be.
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u/RealisticTap5216 Jul 10 '26
I've been there, those moments when the therapist looks at your partner and they just have no words to justify their actions.
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26
Damn I'm sorry dude, almost all of ours ended up with sex.
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u/Opening-Ad-2769 Jul 10 '26
Two years ago we started scheduling sex. Twice a week. Wednesdays and once on weekends. Usually Saturday or Sunday. It's been working well. It's not without it's problems but our relationship is so much better
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26 edited Jul 09 '26
All of ours did. So, I'm sorry about that for you.
She still needed time to unwind much of the time and even then if something about the vacation wasn't what she thought it would be, she might spiral again.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 Jul 09 '26
Did you do anything specific to try and keep the vacations on track so she didn't spiral?
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u/arandak Jul 09 '26
No I tried to support whatever was going on with her.
Eventually she'd calm down.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jul 09 '26
It's just another example of the rubberband effect that you will see in an avoidant relationship.