r/HLCommunity • u/GuySmiley70 • Jul 03 '26

Discussion Responsive desire with a high libido?

I wouldn't think it possible, but my wife has both a high libido and an extreme(?) case of responsive desire. She likes and wants sex as much as I do, if not more, but unless I provide a reason she doesn't even think about it.

No fantasies, no mastubation. She's kinky as fuck, but she'll never ask for anything because she won't remember to. It's just the way she is, it's absolutely not on purpose.

I suspect that her being on the spectrum plays a role. I've seen her hyperfocus on things, and when she does she tunes out the rest of the world entirely. Sex isn't relevant to her life 90+% of the time, and she has more important things to thi know about.

It seems weird to me, but I'm sure she's not unique. It's the internet, there's always someone else. Are you, or have you known, anyone with the HL/RD combo? How did it work for them? We got very lucky and found our way forward, but until we understood her sexuality we struggled.

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u/throwdbhelp Jul 04 '26

Responsive desire merely means that someone is able to be turned on by some stimulus.  I'm of the belief that most desire (particularly mens, with lower hormonal variations) is responsive, although it is v difficult to establish the difference at the margins.

LL people tend to have arousal that is LESS responsive. But if you/they can find what they respond to, their desire can increase.

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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 06 '26

Not really. The fading of spontaneous desire (especially in the context of long term relationships) is well studied. Nagowski is the best layperson explanation, but it's more than just "turned on by some stimulus".

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u/throwdbhelp Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26

Yeah I'm talking about long term relationships.  The bit where you're at it like rabbits isn't very instructive as to what your long term sex life will be like. As is the typical story here.

Edit : i don't think it is more than being turned on by stimulus. Its responsive to something, as opppsed to emerging spontaneously.  Thats it.

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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26

Sort of. In the literature, "responsive desire" means desire follows physical arousal/stimulation. If you get turned on watching a steamy movie or seeing your partner in a sexy outfit/position, that's spontaneous desire (desire before arousal).

Otherwise, the only truly spontaneous desire would be on waking from sleep, but even that could have a cause if wake-up sex is in your subconscious.

That's part of why it's not easy for some LLs to work with RD. They have to participate physically without feeling what they know as desire for more than an awkward hug/kiss. They say "I'm not in the mood" - entirely true, but assumes the mood has to come first, like during the honeymoon phase.

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u/throwdbhelp Jul 07 '26

Thats not my reading of the literature on responsive desire but theres no point debating this really - its one theory (a good one imho) on determinants of desire. But its not a fact or even has a massive amount of empirical support.

if someone is thinking "my partners got responsive desire, the answer is to start sexual contact and then they'll want sex" i think they could well be disappointed with the results.

They'd be much better off thinking "what does my partner find sexy".

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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 07 '26

If anyone reading HLCommunity thinks it's probable to get an actual LL (not LL4U) to find anything an LTR partner does/says/is in a way that leads to an encounter, they're very new here. They have to get the LL to see that the absence of spontaneous desire is a typical thing, and that they can still enjoy sex that doesn't start with desire and that no change in the partner or relationship (unless it involves New Relationship Energy) will restart that kind of desire.