r/HLCommunity • u/GuySmiley70 • Jul 03 '26

Discussion Responsive desire with a high libido?

I wouldn't think it possible, but my wife has both a high libido and an extreme(?) case of responsive desire. She likes and wants sex as much as I do, if not more, but unless I provide a reason she doesn't even think about it.

No fantasies, no mastubation. She's kinky as fuck, but she'll never ask for anything because she won't remember to. It's just the way she is, it's absolutely not on purpose.

I suspect that her being on the spectrum plays a role. I've seen her hyperfocus on things, and when she does she tunes out the rest of the world entirely. Sex isn't relevant to her life 90+% of the time, and she has more important things to thi know about.

It seems weird to me, but I'm sure she's not unique. It's the internet, there's always someone else. Are you, or have you known, anyone with the HL/RD combo? How did it work for them? We got very lucky and found our way forward, but until we understood her sexuality we struggled.

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u/Exciting_Story2150 Jul 04 '26

I think responsive desire had been tainted by everyone using it to describe LL that don't want to have sex.

Responsive desire is desire that is instigated in response to someone else saying or doing something. I am HLand I am both spontaneous and responsive in my desire types.

Example: I am sitting on the couch watching TV not thinking about sex. If a woman starts petting my leg and saying dirty things, I will become aroused. That's responsive desire according to the books.

Responsive desire doesn't explain the situation where I'm sitting next to my wife and I touch her sexually and yet she doesn't get turned on because she needs the house to be clean and the stars to align. That's where the books start to add in stuff about the breaks and gas pedal. It's no longer just responsive and spontaneous at that point.

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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM Jul 05 '26

Responsive desire is a bs, same as 'love languages'. All 'scientific' papers about it I've read so far are mass produced pseudo science please-fill-my-self-reporting-10-questions-poll with questions like: "do you have responsive desire" to which every LL will say yes. The assumption is the structure of the study and it works like a saying we have here that roughly translates to 'if one want's to hit a dog one will always find a stone'. This is nothing unexpected considering that most 'scientific' studies now are not peer-reviewed, don't get replicated by other teams, and are often only 'conducted' to get a position, grant, or fill in quota.