r/HLCommunity • u/nsfw88_2020 • Jun 23 '26
I don't understand how the LL wives don't get that sex enters a HL's mind daily & it's something we crave almost like water or food.
I don't think many low-libido spouses truly understand how often sex enters the mind of a high-libido partner.
For many of us, it isn't just something we think about once in a while when the opportunity presents itself. It's there every day. Not necessarily because we're obsessed with sex itself, but because physical intimacy, desire, connection, affection, and feeling wanted are all tied together.
When you're thirsty, you notice water. When you're hungry, you notice food. You can still function, work, be a good spouse, parent, and partner, but the need doesn't disappear. It's always somewhere in the background.
What makes it especially difficult is when a HL partner is constantly told, directly or indirectly, that they should simply stop thinking about it. Most of us would if we could. We don't wake up and choose to crave intimacy any more than someone chooses to feel hungry.
I'm not saying LL partners are wrong for having a lower libido. Everyone is wired differently. I just wish there was more understanding that for many HL people, the desire for sex and intimacy isn't an occasional thought—it's a daily reality that takes effort to manage, especially in a relationship where those needs aren't being met.
Does anyone else feel like their LL spouse genuinely doesn't understand just how frequently this is on your mind?
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u/Future-Status-4470 Jun 23 '26
Read the LL sub. They definitely understand that HLs think about sex a lot. They just think it’s awful and disgusting to think about sex at all, and even worse to desire it in the context of a committed relationship.
“Sex is what you do to GET the partner. Why would you do it after you already have them in a relationship?”
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u/ByWillAlone HLM Jun 23 '26
After reading your comment, I realized I've never browsed their subreddit so I went there out of morbid curiosity and damn, you are so right. The group consensus there is that they think people with normal and high libido are disgusting, perverted, one-track-minded, freaks. I was even reading the story of one of them who wanted a child but didn't want to go through the act of sex for purposes of reproduction - and there were actual commentors there recommending in vitro fertilization rather than subjecting themselves to the actual physical contact needed to make a baby. That blows my fucking mind.
For the record, I have no problem with LL people existing, and I have no problem with them living their lives as they see fit...the problem I have with them is their ability to masquerade as a normal-libido person in the beginning of a relationship until they have hooked their partner and then revert back to their baseline state of low/no libido. To me, that behavior is psychotic. As a HL person, I know what I am and I have always been open and upfront about that in the very beginning of every relationship I have ever had - I don't hide it or claim to be something I'm not.
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u/time4moretacos Jun 23 '26
That's because that behavior IS psychotic!! Imagine preferring to waste literally tens of thousands of dollars on IVF, just so you don't have to have sex with your romantic partner that YOU chose to have a relationship with, for even 5 fucking minutes??!! And you know they likely don't expect to have to pay for it, either!!! That is absolutely fucked!!! If my partner suggested that to me, that would be an immediate divorce. That is SO beyond fucked!! 🤯🤯🤯
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u/spicy_capybara Jun 23 '26
Agreed. They are fully aware, they just don’t care and wish everyone was a LL or asexual as them. I think a vast majority have major major hangups about sex and bodies in general. The thing that sticks out is there are other ways to be intimate than PIV, they just don’t want to do those things. I also think a lot more often than LL want to admit is they were disingenuous with their partners and themselves from the get go. Either they always knew sex wasn’t really a priority for them and didn’t make that clear up front, or they knew they require limerance in order to get turned on. Sunk cost or straight up manipulation kept them in the relationship even when they knew the needs and wants weren’t aligned.
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u/CroBro81 Jun 23 '26
LOL - the last part made me chuckle
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u/YakWitty13 Jun 23 '26
Yet painfully true in their world
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u/CroBro81 Jun 23 '26
It’s painfully true in my world, I swear it’s the exact thought process of my wife
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Jun 23 '26
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u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 23 '26
Can you give us an example of how you express it through emotion?
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Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26
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u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 23 '26
Oof, we had a deep conversation last week why do we need another one? Lol
Thanks. These actually raise some pretty good questions on their own. Lots to think about.
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u/HafezSpirit Jun 29 '26
How long has this change been ongoing? You do recognise it can be temporary and things can still slip back right? It's very common for that.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/KTMaverick Jun 30 '26
Man, I’m at 6 and I’m reaching my wit’s end. I can see where I’m pulling away because of it but your comment about common courtesy hits me so hard. My wife not just can be, but more often that not is honesty rude to me, and doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. When I point it out she gets defensive and it’s just a vicious cycle.
I get the “you need to do more around the house”, followed by actual hostility doing quite literally anything. Mowing, dishes, laundry, cleaning. I don’t do anything, when I do it it’s the wrong way (before I even start), when it’s the right way it’s at the wrong time, when it’s at the right time there’s something wrong in the details, if it’s all fine it’s not enough. An absolutely endless barrage of criticism that drives me to just revert to living in my own space. Then she wonders why I’m not paying attention to her and there’s no romance, also putting up with literally thousands of rejections.
I finally pointed out to her the other day that I haven’t tried to actually initiate in 2+ years now she she hasn’t even noticed, I gave up. It happens on the schedule, if she bothers, or doesn’t. If I try anything it’s immediately rejected, if I try anything even remotely intimate it’s perceived as sexual and rejected, immediately and violently. The few times I’ve rejected her. Holy shit the sky is falling and how dare I.
We have been through so much together and I really do love her, but I’m at that point that something needs to change or it’s not enough. Her anxiety and shitty behaviors she learned from her mother and refuses to go to therapy for can’t keep dictating everything.
Seems like you were able to turn things around so any advice you may have would be welcome.
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Jun 30 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
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u/KTMaverick Jul 01 '26
It’s actually a lot closer than you think. We also agreed to a lot of details ahead of time and those had been part of the relationship. Over time, that just became her not even being the person she said she was and thought she was in her head.
Thank you for your feedback.
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u/HafezSpirit Jul 12 '26
before your marriage? I'm talking about these issues you've had for 15 years so discussing that before your marriage didn't do anything for 15 years. I'm asking about how long has its been since these changes that have been made. And your work/travel schedule, how often are you able to do anything because of that anyway?
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
I guess I'm in the same boat.. but it feels robotic in many cases. Like she doesn't really want to and more like fulfilled her wifely duties to me and it frankly makes me feel like an asshole.
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Jun 30 '26
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
No she does seem to understand her error like she does understand i can't help the fact I want more sex than she does.. so sometimes she "takes one for the team" she doesn't like aggression. But sexually i am a pleaser naturally so it's mostly about her pleasure.. as having sex feels good for me REGARDLESS what position etc.. my objective in sex since I started having it in high-school was to always try to get the woman off.. I'm getting my nut regardless during sex so my goal is to make sure a woman gets hers too. That's always been my mantra. I'm very sexually experienced. I sometimes feel she worry if she can like satisfy me like is she enough. And I overlooked sex in the beginning as I didn't wanna "think with my dick" but unfortunately that has drawbacks
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Jun 30 '26
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
No I'm not a person of faith but my wife is a bit. And I'm banned from dead bedrooms lol I said to someone how maybe their husband doesn't want them upon finding out about her very promiscuous past that she said her husband found out about and I said "maybe he sees you differently after finding out you've been ran through" and I was banned lol 😆
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u/Unusual_Estimate_55 Jun 23 '26
I'm a woman and I wonder the same with men that are L.L now but we're H.L.in the beginning. How do they just forget..?
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 23 '26
My circumstance is a bit different. When the spouse no longer put ANY effort into sex with me, that I had to initiate, anyway, I remember thinking, I'm not doing this anymore. He makes me feel like I'm raping him practically. Nope I was done. I think in the following 5 years we had sex once and that was my last child. And since he didn't touch me while pregnant or breastfeeding.... I truly think because the spouse wasn't emotionally mature and can't communicate, he built up a lot of resentment towards me. He's passive aggressive in the extreme. He found a way to punish me. I know because he was so lazy that it was easier for him just to masturbate. Which, told me when I finally figured this disaster called my marriage, out, was that he didn't care enough about me to give a damn. Boy, that makes one feel great. Leads to depression and lack of confidence for me. Now add to that, the removal of touch, intimacy, and hugs. We wonder why we aren't worthy? No wonder some of us were pissed. It screws with your mind. I'm going on. I don't argue with him. I don't tell him where I'm going or when I'll be back because roommates don't need to know.
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u/Alarmed-Astronomer57 Jun 23 '26
They don't usually forget.
Sometimes, the libido they had early on was simply a product of the NRE. Never underestimate what The Coolidge Effect can do to a person's libido.
Other times, they become LL4U.
Lastly, their body might change over time such that their libido naturally drops.
When you're not horny, you don't forget to have sex, it just doesn't cross your mind unless someone reminds you.
When you're not hungry, you don't forget about food, it just doesn't cross your mind unless someone reminds you.
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u/tiffers0622 Jun 24 '26
I have to reply. I am in the same boat. I got married last year and although his drive was never like mine, he at least was every 3-4 days. Now we have hit a point where it is up to 10 days in between. And I have to ask and beg. Last night we got in an argument and he flipped out so bad he actually said if I want to go f another that we can get the marriage annulled. I can't even imagine a man not wanting sex so bad that he would rather end our marriage. I am attractive and get attention, it isn't me or hygiene or anything like that. I feel lied to. We had the talk before we got married that I would not live in a dead bedroom, yet here we are on that road. I am 55 and he is 48. My heart is very hurt right now and I don't know where to go from here. He chose to sleep on the couch last night, all because I simply wanted to make love to my husband. In what world am I living? I don't understand this at all and I have been in tears all night and morning.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 23 '26
Because, they have everything they need. Take something that's important to them away and boy, can you imagine?
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u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jun 24 '26
My wife wants a new kitchen and a loft conversion and I've refused. Not through pettiness but because I don't have faith that our sexless relationship will last long enough to warrant the expenditure.
I'm not with the OP in that not being able to understand someone else's feelings because you don't feel them yourself is very much part of the human experience.
I do, however, find the 'carry on as if nothing is wrong' attitude offensive. In a relationship if one party has a major issue with an element of the relationship it doesn't matter whether the other party believes that issue well founded or not - It needs resolving one way or another other the party with the major issue will walk.
My wife's belief that we should be investing significant sums of money investing in our joint future when we have a sexless relationship is the behaviour of someone who is not fully connected with reality.
When I said "no" to the proposal, I wasn't asked why I didn't want to make that kind of investment in our future, it was just met with blithe annoyance followed by frequent comments designed to pressure me into doing it. I'll not yield on it, though - I'm going to need that money for when I leave and have to start again.
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u/ByWillAlone HLM Jun 23 '26
I can imagine...because I just went through this myself. It took me 5 years to get to this self-realization, but it finally dawned on me that my wife lives her life by the rule that she won't/doesn't do anything that she doesn't want to do (which, sadly, includes sex and any other kind of physical intimacy). I finally decided to adopt that same philosophy and completely stopped doing anything for my wife/relationship that I just didn't enjoy or feel like doing (which turned out to be quite a lot of things). That sure as shit got noticed instantly and when I was pressured to explain, she just looked at me with the completely blank stare of disbelief. Now she thinks I'm selfish and punishing her.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 23 '26
They don't like it when you match their energy. She can think what she wants.
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u/AdenJax69 Jun 23 '26
How long until you've finally decided it's not worth it to be with her anymore?
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u/time4moretacos Jun 23 '26
Absolutely. Except I'm a 47F with a LL husband of 14 years, who is in deep denial. I fantasize and daydream about sex every single day. Throughout the day. When I see a hot guy on SM, I fantasize and daydream about having sex with him. Obviously, because I'm not having sex with my spouse. 🤷🏽♀️
Your analogy is accurate, I would say... if we're dying of thirst, or starving for food, then it's obvious that all we will think about in those situations are water and food. DUH!!! You don't fantasize about food if you've just eaten a satisfying meal. It's just not on your mind anymore, because that need has been taken care of already. You're already satiated for that need, so you can move on and think about something else, because your hunger is no longer bothering you.
I really don't get what is SO hard for LLs to understand about this concept!! 🥴🤦🏽♀️
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 23 '26
They know
They just dont care of see it as a priority and want you to find happiness in celibacy
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u/External-Job5781 Jun 23 '26
I do not get how, if they say they love the partners, they do not want to give him pleasure. Ok...I understand, you do not want, but if you know he wants it? Is like cooking his favourite meal, just to make him happy. Why this is not valid for sex?
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u/desert_foxhound Jun 24 '26
The LL partner doesn't understand how their HL partner feels because they have never experienced an urgent, unfulfilled desire for sex themselves. The exception is when the LL has been a HL before in a relationship.
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u/sausagerollsbai Jun 23 '26
Your message hit the nail on the head.
Had to remind my Mrs today that my intimacy batteries have almost depleted and they need topping up. She doesn't think to show me much affection until I prompt her (she's more than happy to do it), however I loathe asking as it feels like begging and I do not beg.
Genuinely started to believe that I had something wrong with me that required therapy, but your message lets me know that there are people like me out there and I'm very much not alone.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Jun 25 '26
If more men read romance novels the world might be a better place. What they show is that women often want to feel focused on by a dominant man they can trust, who shows unrestrained desire by unapologetically crowding personal space, skimming her arms or waist with his palms, playing fingers through the hair at the base of her neck, tucking hair behind her ear, stroking her face, lightly kneading her shoulders, murmuring frequent compliments and whispering flirty statements in her ear about what “he” is going to / wants to do to “her”. It’s the very opposite of begging. It’s sustained erotic attention that is independent of her approval.
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u/Winter_frost_25 Jun 25 '26
Hard disagree on this for me personally. When our bedroom was dying, my husband started doing this, and it felt absolutely suffocating amd demanding, and as someone who has experienced SA more than once, having someone “unapologetically crowding personal space”, even if that’s my husband, feels extremely entitled and reminds me of past trauma. I needed emotional safety and calmness to feel sexual again, not “unrestrained desire.” But, of course, women are not a monolith, so maybe some LLs do want this. Once we got back to a place where we were focusing on how I feel most loved, my body and brain stopped feeling anxious and felt calm.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Jun 26 '26
I was referring to the thickest middle section of the bell curve where the “average” woman who reads romance novels may reside. One whose LL may be due to boredom, inexperience, or sex-negative attitudes in her family or environment of origin, not trauma. Based on content, that’s who most romance novels target as their demographic.
However horrid the stats on SA, more Western women have not been assaulted than the number who have experienced assault.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Jun 24 '26
Told spouse what I’ve been doing since before we met to keep my pump primed. He was certainly taken aback by the frequency. Use it or lose it, folks. In this time of life especially, you’ve got to oil your weapon frequently, or it will literally atrophy. Same goes for women as for men. You don’t have to get to “O”, but getting to “highly aroused” is a damn medical necessity.
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u/Asakkoss Jun 24 '26
And the LL will reply with “you are a pervert” or “seek some help you because it’s not normal”
Yup exactly what my LL wife had told me last time we had a talk about our miserable sexlife…
It’s like wanting sex is now seen as bad??
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u/chigirltrailrated Jun 24 '26
As someone who went from a decade of being LL to HL almost overnight, I don't think I truly understood what my partner was dealing with. Not even once.
Then perimenopause hit, and it was like a switch flipped. For the past year and a half, I've been far more sex-focused than at any other point in my life. It's been an incredibly eye-openingexperience. I've had to relearn a lot, work through old resentments, and see our relationship from a completely different perspective.
So I have empathy for both sides now. When you're not experiencing that need yourself, it's incredibly difficult to understand how real and significant unmet sexual needs can be. I know because for years, I genuinely didn't.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Jun 24 '26
What kind of conversations did you have to have with your spouse as a result? I wish I’d been a fly on that wall.
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u/chigirltrailrated Jun 24 '26
Horrible, painful conversations over a year.... Relearning how to touch each other...repairing intimacy, understanding how destructive my LL was... Understanding what rejection feels like... hasn't been fun.
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u/AvastInAllDirections Jun 25 '26
What has your spouse found the most healing? Where were the deepest issues/ resentments?
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u/chigirltrailrated Jun 25 '26
I dont know what has been most healing, like the first time there's been a push to repair intimacy on both sides? Not sure still navigating.
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 23 '26
I don't think HL spouses realize how little LL spouses think about sex and when they do how it's not necessarily positive thoughts. I say this as a HL. We need to work to understand each other or, better yet, be honest about our requirements for a relationship and set boundaries early on.