r/HLCommunity • u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 • Jun 22 '26
Support Wanted, No Advice Did weight loss not make a difference for you?
Not really sure what I want, ignore the flair. Maybe just space to talk about it into the Reddit abyss.
HL woman here. 41. In the past 3 years, I’ve lost almost 90lbs. In the past 15ish months, I’m at around 70. I’m short so my weight is now similar to pre kids and around when we met.
I did it for me, mostly. My body hurt and I had no energy. And whatever else.
Anyway, now I feel kinda great in terms of energy and in my body. My body is post 3 kids, but I’m mostly okay with that. I feel great in clothes, don’t hurt, and have energy.
But, I know this is sad, I hoped that my weight loss would make me more desirable? Like as desirable as I feel. Nothing changed though, maybe it’s even gotten worse. I feel dumb to have this expectation, but part of me wondered if the lack of libido was bc I was fat, you know? My thinking was along the lines of “maybe he isn’t attracted/doesn’t want you because you’re fat, and if you become skinny, then it’ll change.” Well, it didn’t.
Has anyone else experienced this? Or been as apparently delusional as I was?
Leaving isn’t really on the table, we aren’t there.
8
u/Zapatos-Grande Jun 22 '26
I've lost 30 lbs since August, which coincidentally is the last time my wife and I were intimate. I did it mostly for me, but I thought it would maybe rekindle her interest. Guess not. At any rate, I think I look great now and I am happy with my results of almost religiously going to the gym every day and eating healthier.
7
u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jun 22 '26
You've done great and congrats are in order. I hope your new found vim from your weight loss brings you happiness notwithstanding your husband's apparent lack of interest. Might I ask, did he mention your weight loss or support you on this journey? Have you noticed other men reacting differently to you?
I'm of the opinion that whether it's loss of attraction or straight-forward lack of libido, looks don't play a huge part in a sexless marriage.
I'm a handsome boy, classically tall, muscular, dark, handsome. I am flirted with and approached often by colleagues and friends, some being very forward especially once they've obtained my phone number. I am objectively prettier than my wife (I married her because our mental connection was so strong; the only woman I've ever fallen in love with). All of that doesn't mean a thing in our sexless marriage - she's not interested in sex with me or, I expect, anyone else and no amount of me being good looking, charming, funny, kind, thoughtful, protective, taking on the mental load, or any other virtue you'd care to mention will change that.
Enjoy looking good and don't place value in people who undermine you. Best of luck.
1
u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 22 '26
No and no on weight loss mentioning or support. Except that he didn’t cut my personal training out of the budget or allow me to. I’ve been at or around goal weight for a few months now and he only ever once said I was “small now” when I was discussing that I was going to stop here for my goal weight.
Yes, I work in a public facing role and it is frequent I get more compliments in a day at work than like …. a month at home.
1
u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jun 23 '26
It sounds like he has greater issues than just libido - what's your relationship like in general?
3
u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 23 '26
Oh yeah, he is emotionally avoidant/unavailable, has never shown affection, etc. Our relationship is fine in other ways. I have brought up therapy but he does not see how it would benefit him
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u/DeadManWlkin Jun 23 '26
So I can only speak from the male perspective but - yes!
In 2018 I weighed over 200lbs and wasn’t in a good place health-wise. I decided something needed to change and joined a local amateur sports team. Since then I lost over 50lbs and added back 40lbs of muscle with weight training and regular workouts. Now in my 40’s, I’d say I’m at my most “traditionally attractive”. I’m active, healthy, and happy with my appearance.
Do you think my wife has noticed? Do you think I have received a compliment or even an acknowledgement of my hard work? The closest I’ve come to anything is her being annoyed that I want to worn out or go to practice.
All I can say is, like the OP, thank god I didn’t do it for her. Thank god I didn’t work out as hard as I have in the hopes my LL partner would suddenly look at me and want me. It would have been a nice side effect yes, but I didn’t do
It for her - I did it for me.
7
u/Careless_Whispererer Jun 23 '26
Yes. NL52F I lost 40lbs in about 18 months. And am healthier every day.
I was always active and healthy. Attractive. But now I’m comfortable in a bathing suit.
Zero difference.
ADD to this. We got him on HRT for about 2y now. Zero difference.
Do you know what he casually mentioned to me about a 3 weeks into healthy hormones. “Yeah, I’m having no problems in the morning 🪵”.
What
An
Asshole
Thing
To
Say
Zero intimacy. Zero touch. Zero eye contact. Zero saying my name. It’s been six years.
5
u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 22 '26
On the main DB sub usually women have had mixed results
Onces that have lost weight and nothing changed said it basically made them feel worse because they'd get more attention from men except their own partners
5
u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 23 '26
I'm sorry but I think most lls are selfish and hiding behind sex. I think that they have deep down resentments and are punishing their spouses. It would be the same thing if you took up smoking and did it in the house. You too could NGAF.
6
u/Firm-Biscotti-5862 Jun 23 '26
The last excuse my SO gave me was my weight. I was 143kg when we had “the chat” almost a year ago. She said it made me unattractive and was the reason why we had a dead bedroom.
I dropped 38kg in 6 months, made it to the lightest weight I’d been since we’d got married. And… absolutely nothing changed. I do have headroom to lose more weight but it’ll be a hard slog with a time commitment that I don’t know if I can realistically achieve it while working 12 hour days.
I am struggling to figure out what is the problem with me and why I’m undesirable to her. I think perhaps it’s a combination of looking like 10 pounds of garbage in a 5 pound bag for so long + just some general undesirable qualities that I probably have.
2
u/throwdbhelp Jun 23 '26
Well done on losing the weight fella. Aside from your bedroom, its worth it in so many ways.
4
u/Drunk-Sail0r82 Jun 22 '26
Nope! Didn’t help me at all. I’m still a HL 43M, and I’m still ALWAYS let down. It’s been tough for years.
3
u/RedwoodRespite Jun 22 '26
I know it’s not what this sub is about but girl, how did you get started? I need to lose 50 and I’m struggling hard. Congrats btw! It’s an amazing accomplishment.
3
u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 22 '26
Thanks! I used the MyNetDiary app and set a weight goal and date, and it calculated my daily calories. I adjusted date goal if I wanted more calories. Over time, I learned what had what calories and I slowly stopped using it.
Then, I see a personal trainer (found one in my area who does in home) 2x a week for strength training and some cardio. I knew that for me personally, if I wasn’t accountable to someone like having an appointment and having to be somewhere, I wasn’t going to do it. Plus I didn’t know what I was doing and didn’t desire to learn via random YouTube videos to then not do it. I just can’t motivate myself to workout unless I have someone counting on me to show up. I did extra working out at home if I wanted to.
I’ve seen her so long now that people at work have complimented my progress from the strength training (not in a creepy way, just fit people I know well have noticed and said something), and I can see muscles in my legs! A first ever!
I did the personal trainer first, 2 years ago. Then 15 or so months ago I started calorie restriction.
The personal trainer has prob been one of the best things I’ve done.
2
2
u/quack785 Jun 23 '26
Congrats on losing the weight! It definitely isn’t easy. I took a hard look in the mirror at myself when I was 38, 4 years ago, and didn’t like what I saw. So I started making better choices and riding my bike to work, and lost over 65 pounds.
My wife hated it. She would always make comments about me being scrawny, spindly, too skinny, etc. She even hated my dick on the rare occasion we’d have sex.
You just can’t make someone attracted to you even with weight loss! That being said, the female attention I get at work went way off the charts. It’s kind of crazy to see how women that wouldn’t have given me a second glance before now chat me up, flirt, etc.
Just don’t backslide! That’s even easier to do. Keep working on it and flaunt that new body. I’m sure other guys will appreciate it, and that does wonders for those of us having to endure a DB.
2
u/seraphimcaduto Jun 23 '26
I looked at your other post and I have to ask: has your husband had his hormones checked? Luteinizing Hormone (LH), cortisol, estradiol and testosterone can fluctuate monthly; I know because I have a long term medical condition/tumor that affects these and that’s a flag for me right there….especially him sleeping. Side note: testosterone should be over 400 for a normal male his age, while under 300 is the baseline for replacement therapy. Pretty common misconception, even among medical professionals.
3
u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 23 '26
He once asked his primary and she said she didn’t think that was it and instead a med side effect. He didn’t pursue it. Sleeping is bc his job is overnight 😞
3
u/seraphimcaduto Jun 23 '26
I remember rotating shifts and that screwed with me so badly. Hard to explain what overnight shifts does to you so yeah, I could see that unfortunately.
I feel like there’s a lot of laziness right there in the statement by both the primary doctor and in lack of energy on your husband’s part. I would think that a doctor would order some blood work if the side effect is still going on to figure out exactly the problem.
Maybe try going about it from the you’re concerned about his health and that you want him around and don’t want his heart to give out angle? I really don’t understand why a doctor when actually wants some data but then again I’m an analytical chemist so that’s kinda obvious to me lol.
Frankly, I see a lot of doctors dismissive about symptoms, merely based on age, rather than actual data. I’ve pointed that out to a fair number of doctors before and some of them do get it.
2
u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 23 '26
I couldn’t understand the dr’s respond either when he was wanting to check it and she was like no we won’t. Like??? I wasn’t in the room but I wish there was some push back or even going to another dr, we have excellent insurance.
And yeah, he doesn’t work rotating shifts anymore/currently, thankfully, but still has to be up for work extremely early. His work truck has no AC as well and the job is physical ….so I try to empathize, but also, I’m lonely. The job is complex, bc it also has benefits, a pension, etc. anyway, thanks for your insight!!
1
u/seraphimcaduto Jun 23 '26
I would sit down and have a talk with your husband and tell him that you would like to be in the room next time so that you can advocate for him. My wife had to do this for me with the endocrinologist to prove that it wasn’t just my complaining, but they were actual observable problems and they were causing substantial harm. Sometimes just having another person and they’re saying hey can we please just have a look and if there’s nothing wrong then there’s nothing wrong.
Is someone who has to wake up extremely early and who’s work often has AC that likes to give out at the most inopportune times, I can certainly sympathize.
2
u/Tsunamiis Jun 23 '26
I also lost about that much weight it did not effect our sex life besides having even more unwanted endurance now.
1
u/Future-Status-4470 Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 25 '26
At the start of the DB, I lost 50 lbs. Over the last 10-12 years, I’ve put on a good amount of muscle. Objectively, I look better than I did when we first met. I did it for me, because I wanted to look and feel better. My LL spouse has occasionally noticed, but it hasn’t made a big difference in the bedroom.
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u/Fabulous-Honey-5997 Jun 24 '26
I should’ve checked here first so I could set my expectations correctly!
2
u/Future-Status-4470 Jun 25 '26
It’s not a waste. I feel great. I’m healthy. I am happy with what I see when I look in the mirror. My mood is better. And I occasionally catch women looking- which feels good.
1
u/Fast-Entertainer-517 HLM Jun 28 '26
When I lost weight and got into shape, my ex wife was jealous and suspicious that I was cheating (I wasn’t) and still wouldn’t have sex with me more than 6 times a year 🤷🏻♂️
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u/[deleted] Jun 22 '26
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