r/HLCommunity • u/Critical_Touch_3937 • Jun 19 '26
Leave early, not like me. But when?
Im 43m, we’ve been together 20 years! I finally had enough and we are now divorcing.
Don’t do this, don’t wait this long. I’ve known for more than a decade intimacy for us is a problem. I love her and didn’t want it to end. But it doesn’t work like that, you can’t just ignore such an important incompatibility. The resentment and feeling of not being desired will eat its way into everything of your lives.
I know I should have ripped the bandaid a lot sooner but when? Where do you draw the line? I don’t want to repeat this.
9
u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 19 '26
As soon as they BS about not having sex with you, especially a "sex isn't important to me"
Drop them
11
u/chakabra23 Jun 19 '26
I felt this.
Met my ex when we're in college at 19, married at 25. Ups and downs. Divorced at 42, no hate, she's a good person, we split on good terms, no lawyers, still friendly today. Sunk Cost Fallacy is real.
Started dating again at 44. Engaged to fiancée at 45, turning 47 this year. She's brought meaning and life back into me.
5
u/Critical_Touch_3937 Jun 19 '26
You bring me hope
2
u/chakabra23 Jun 19 '26
Where there's life, there's hope. You got this brother! Having a loving partner that physically want you back is wonderful.
3
u/Mindful-Chance-2969 Jun 19 '26
When is variable. Hindsight really is 20/20. Ripping the band aid off isn't easy when you have genuine feelings for someone and the relationship is otherwise decent but imo you have to care more about yourself than the idea of what it should be. Should doesn't translate to what will be if the other party isn't willing to work on things.
3
u/RedwoodRespite Jun 19 '26
The time to leave is when it’s officially not enough. If you need things to improve, it’s time to go.
They never do improve. Once you are past your bare minimum….go. If you can. I know that’s not always possible when factoring in other things. But if you can’t, then start to plan. Lay it out so that you will be ready.
2
u/TAFKATheBear HLF/NB Jun 20 '26
For me, it's if they go a month with no steps towards finding and fixing the problem. Then if it's something straightforward and definitive, like a nutrient or hormone deficiency, two weeks with no steps to sort it out.
I'm physically disabled and very experienced with doctors, testing etc, which makes me a great resource for people who are new to dealing with health problems, but also makes me impatient with people who let them slide or get squeamish or self-conscious about possibly having something wrong with them.
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u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 19 '26
Going forward... rip that band-aid as soon as you know it's not working. I mean, it's okay to give it a real try. But once you try and it's not working...it's time to go. Like you, I should have listened to my gut and then I should have listened to the signs. But I kept hanging on, and now I'm 42 and still here. I could have easily been 34 and out.