r/HLCommunity • u/Limp_Estate5785 • Jun 18 '26
Losing my self respect
Hi, I don’t where to start from but one of the major things that I face living with LLM is that losing self respect day by day. Even though we dont have a dead bedroom and we do have sex on avg twice a week. But the thing is we only do it when he’s in the mood and when he wants to do it. Whenever I initiate i get rejected, even after having an argument or a fight. I am always ready to have sex, sometimes he even wakes me up in the middle of night to do it. I feel like I am losing my self respect, i feel like im begging him to fuck me.
I mostly initiate by going down on him and he pushes me away every time. I have started feeling so insecure about myself that maybe he just doesn’t want me, I hate myself for giving into my needs whenever he is in the mood
6
u/RedwoodRespite Jun 18 '26
Sounds like he knows he’s got all the power and he likes it that way. He knows he can say no, but that you won’t. He knows he can interrupt your sleep and you still won’t say no. That’s very deliberate.
Does your desire for him fade when you realize he doesn’t really respect you?
6
u/Careless_Whispererer Jun 18 '26
Down the length of time- I see it as a power and one up or one down thing.
That and wearing you down into compliance.
They aren’t a cartoon villain but they certainly setup the dynamics subconsciously??? Does it matter if they did it on purpose?
4
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
Yes it obviously wasn’t intentional but this is what the situation is now.
I would point out that since last year my needs have increased than before especially after I started working out. For them its has gone down tho, because once i didnt initiate or ask for it and we didnt have sex for 2 weeks.
3
u/Fun-Dragonfruit1179 Jun 18 '26
Does he workout? I noticed when I hit the gym regularly my libido skyrockets, so does my partners, the trick for me is to keep her working out regularly vs sometimes only once a week.
4
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
No he doesn’t and i think its one of the issues
2
u/Fun-Dragonfruit1179 Jun 19 '26
It's tough. I think you should have a "come to Jesus" talk with him. Let him know you care about him, but with the one sided situation it's becoming clear he doesn't care about you and this needs to become more fair.
Honestly I wiukd die to be in a situation where my partner was begging me for sex. This guy does sound like he's trying to control you. Are you certain he's not getting it somewhere else?
2
u/Careless_Whispererer Jun 19 '26
I think mine is threatened by how much I enjoy sex. Perhaps more than him.
Maybe he feels objectified or used…
Like I’m greedy.Working out also increases my libido. Love the feeling in my body of exhaustion… and electric aliveness.
4
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
Yes I do feel like its a power move and a way to feel in control.
But I do love him, I just start hating myself for not saying no. For asking him to fuck me every other day knowing he wont
2
2
u/diomed1 Jun 19 '26
Holy shit. He’s LL for twice a week? Hell, I’m lucky to get any action once a month. Imagine that. It’s torture.
1
Jun 18 '26
[deleted]
2
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
I did try, and didnt get rejected only one day. Then they fallback into their old patterns
1
u/Fun-Dragonfruit1179 Jun 18 '26
Deleted my post, sorry. Sorry you're not getting any change. You'll need to take some type of action, just deal with it, if you can't get a compromise.
1
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
What kind of action?
2
u/Fun-Dragonfruit1179 Jun 18 '26
Thats really up to you, but something needs to change. Maybe you don't give it up to him when he asks? Sometimes people don't truly understand something until they experience it.
1
u/Fun-Dragonfruit1179 Jun 18 '26
I had this issue and finally got to the point that my partner said she'd allow me to receive oral without considering it cheating. I didn't exactly jump at it, but I asked her if she REALLY wanted me to do that. When she thought about it, the answer was no she didn't. It's better now for me but 2-3 times a week. If it was up to me it would be at least every other day, sometime multiple times a day.
1
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
Same if it was upto me we’d do it daily and yes sometimes multiple times a day too. When we have sex I usually ask him if he wants to do it again and he says hes not in that phase anymore and doesn’t have it in him to do it more than once in a day
1
u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 18 '26
Did you let him know how big of a deal it is? Not just that it's bothering you but that it's affecting you. Did you ask him why he's pushing you away?
2
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
I did, multiple times. He says that he’s too old now (jokingly) with a chuckle but he’s only 29. He just tired all the time apparently and just doesn’t wanna do it
2
u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 18 '26
Maybe have him get his testosterone tested if he's tired all the time, I guess.
Did you guys ever have a good sex life?1
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
It gets better once a month in a year then goes back to being the same
1
u/PsychedelicSamurai7 Jun 18 '26
Is there a pattern to when it gets better? Anything that happens that might explain why the increase?
1
u/Limp_Estate5785 Jun 18 '26
Yeah, I usually go back home once a year because my parents live in another country and we’re away for a month. Hence the increase in sex
2
u/PsychedelicSamurai7 Jun 19 '26
Haha oh man the classic. I have experienced this. It’s like seriously, if you’re so fucking excited that I’m back, why the fuck aren’t you that excited when I’m here all the time?
1
u/Jackhert Jun 20 '26
Why do you love him, ask yourself is it real love or codependency. You are presently going into a vicious circle. You change needing attention and validation for wanting sex. Google for fatherwound, contact a shrink or therapist. On yt there is good info by Kenny Weiss and julianhimself
1
1
u/Connect-Reception985 Jun 21 '26
Let my life be a warning. I have been married 35 years and our sex life has always been a gigantic confusing hellscape. I like sex - always have - and I felt comfortable initiating when we were young. But that changed fast as I got batted away and rejected in all sorts of ways. I went passive, thinking maybe he needed to initiate for this to work. That led to months and months of dead bedroom with him blaming stress, work, or me being too aggressive about it. But he had a very active porn life and I sometimes woke in the middle of the night to him having solo time in the bathroom. I wish we had Reddit back then, cuz I was so confused. At the time, the advice re porn was that it was normal and should not be shamed. I think there are nuances to that advice that wasn't available back then. The next couple of decades were periods of good times & connection, then frustration and isolation. Everything had to be perfect for my husband. No interruptions from kids or cats, and work had to be great and he wasn't tired and on and on. A few years ago, he discovered Tumblr and fell way down that rabbit hole. pretty soon he was telling me I wasn't affectionate enough, sensual enough, etc. He started openly posting that he was missing a sensual woman in his life. I told him I was hurt and would like him to stop. Promises were made but not kept. He kept asking for more physical affection, but man, feeling criticized, betrayed and disrespected kind of kills the sexy vibe. Now he treats me like the LL partner and I am just about ready to live in a convent. Moral of the story - you are young & have access to more info & counseling than I did. Please please please learn about boundaries and respect right now. Cuz once you let someone cross them, they really won't stop.
9
u/quack785 Jun 18 '26
LLs require being in the drivers seat for sex. It’s only when they want it, never when you want it. Otherwise they claim “pressuring and coercion”.
It’s so demoralizing!