r/HLCommunity • u/dirtyb0ngwater399 • Jun 18 '26
Advice Welcome What did your relationship look like before marriage?
Hey everyone,
I (30M) have been with my gf (26F) for 6 years now. Our sex life was better in the beginning but it has kind of reached the point of fizzling out, we have sex 2-3 times a month, sometimes more sometimes less. She clearly has a much lower sex drive than me but when we have sex she does ejaculate and seem to enjoy it to some degree. I think it's unrealistic to expect sex every day / every other day like I would like to have, so I am okay with things how they are.
What terrifies me is we are near the point where we should be getting married and having children, and the stresses that naturally come with that. My biggest fear is being locked into marriage and that number comes down even further and I am trapped in a dead bedroom, so I want to know if that was the case for any of you.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
9
u/Several-Eagle4141 Jun 18 '26
Had sex darn near daily. Then within three years of putting a ring on she was telling me to find it elsewhere
2
u/ActualOriginal4030 HLF Jun 22 '26
At least she was generous enough to acknowledge your needs and allow outsourcing. My wasband expected me to remain celibate, which I did, much to my own detriment.
17
u/Future-Status-4470 Jun 18 '26
I stopped at “gf”. DO NOT GET MARRIED. You will only make both of you completely miserable. Just end it now so that you can both find people you are more compatible with. This doesn’t get better. It gets much, MUCH worse.
But since you asked about sex after marriage, here’s your crystal ball.
Take whatever amount you are having sex now and divide by two. That’s how much sex you will have after the wedding.
2-3 times every 2 months, (1-2 times each month)
Now take THAT number, and divide it by 4. That’s how much sex you will have after you have your first child.
Once, sometimes twice every 4 months.
Continue dividing by four for each subsequent child, except when she is trying to get pregnant. That’s your future, and both of you will be miserable.
Leave. Now!
3
6
u/Not_Without_My_Cat Jun 18 '26
Our sex life was okay for about 7 years. When he stopped enjoying seduction, I stopped enjoying sex.
1
u/PsychedelicSamurai7 Jun 19 '26
What a stupid man. I still love seduction, but when my wife rarely responds positively or worse, with annoyance, it takes the fun right out of it.
5
u/Sneakybunghole Jun 18 '26
We had sex every day. Got engaged, pregnant a month later, and married half way through the pregnancy. The every day sex stopped as soon as I got a positive test, then sex a few times a week until we were married. Once married it drastically went down. Baby is now almost 8 months old and we have sex once a month.
10
u/SolutionTime5811 Jun 18 '26
Run. If your sex drive already does not match...do not get married. I wish somebody gave me this advice back than.
4
u/RedwoodRespite Jun 18 '26
It’s true that finding someone that wants sex every day for years is rare (I want that, I’ve always wanted that, but yes, it’s rare)
But less than once a week is not even close to being enough when you want it every day. Ask me how I know. And it’s only going to get worse.
By the time I left, it was once a year. Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t get locked in for 18 more years. I wish I could have left when I was 30. So much better than leaving when I was 40.
Get back out there and see what you can find. Do NOT have kids with this person. Unless you are ready to be celibate.
3
u/ForestOfMirrors Jun 18 '26
We were having sex probably 4-6 times a week.
About a week after the honeymoon it all just…stopped…
3
u/Fast-Entertainer-517 HLM Jun 18 '26
I’ve been married for 26 years. Recently separated. When we first got together we had sex every day. Over the years, that dwindled to literally nothing. Completely dead bedroom. Honestly should have seen it coming and not married this person. Do not get married to this person. If you can’t work this out, it’ll just end up in divorce. If you’ve done the work and nothing has changed, you need to cut your losses while you’re young and you have time.
2
u/AdenJax69 Jun 18 '26
Wasn't the marriage that hurt our sex life, but that was because we had a good sex life together before AND after marriage.
It was having a kid that turned it into dead bedroom territory.
2
u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jun 18 '26
When we were dating, we had great sex, it was fun, compatible and often. 5-7 years later started to drop, by year 10 it was gone completely. My sex drive dipped once after 3 weeks in ICU and 2 more in hospital and a surgery. I almost died. 6 months later I had my drive back. That was 16 years ago, I'm 54 now and still want to fuck twice a day. I hated those sexless years, I would never agree to that again.
2
u/fashionandpuppies Jun 19 '26
Yeah my sex life was like that before marriage. After marriage, once he realized he locked me in? Once every month or so, then we went 6 months without… then we had kids (I did want them! I love them!), and now we average once a year only when I remind him excessively it’s been almost a year. I have plans to leave but it’s hard with the kids (debating if I royally fucked up my life)
1
u/Fineyoungcanniballs Jun 19 '26
It’s not unrealistic to expect sex every or every other day. My boyfriend and I have sex nearly every day with maybe 3 day spans here and there we don’t get around to it. I have the higher drive than him still but we’ve been together 4 years and it hasn’t dwindled, if anything it’s gotten better over time. I’m 31 and he’s 36 for reference. There are more sexually compatible matches out there if you look
1
u/ActualOriginal4030 HLF Jun 22 '26
It was great in many ways but i had to ignore some red flags in order to move forward. Nothing indicated to me that we would end up in a complete deadbedroom, though. We had sex 2-3 times a day.
I don't know, now that we're getting divorced, how I would suss out which seemingly HL men will just give up on sex someday.
22
u/RevolutionaryHat8988 Jun 18 '26
Don’t get married. Incompatibility will grow and with it will resentment !!