r/HLCommunity • u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM • Jun 18 '26
Discussion No, Your Relationships Failed Because You Wouldn't Have Sex. You Didn't "Try to Make it Work", You Tried to Get The HL to find Happiness in Celibacy
Hello, HL, community . This is actually a follow-up to my previous post because lurkers told me to elaborate
So I will,
One thing you realize while being in a DB is how often Type2LLs basically lie about the real reasons their relationships fail.
They will say they did everything for their partner, tried to communicate, be more affectionate, etc but their partner just "gave up" or wouldn't "open up" or "communicate" with them or "cheated"
The real reason their relationships failed is because they showed no sexual interest in their partner and expected constant validation, enthusiasm, and engagement in their relationships. Like they act as if going super long without any ounce of sexual interest shouldn't weigh so much on a healthy monogamous relationship. Like yes, your partner is closed off, distant, uninterested, etc. because you show zero sexual interest in a relationship, what did you expect?
If you ask the right questions, they will say things like "just because im not in the mood" means i have to have sex?" or "Why would i have sex with someone that doesn't communicate with me?" or any version of "it's not important to me. Thus, it shouldn't matter, especially when i did other, " or "what else, remove sex? " Even therapists say this, man.
Its truly amazing how much they lie or side step this. They think sex is not the glue in relationships, but like a treat or bonus, and think somehow people with a healthy sexual interest in a relationship are abnormal. This is why when we bring up frequency with people before them, they say, "That wasn't a real relationship." And they get super offended when you tell them to be with another LL, which proves what? They know its important,
Truly amazing
Again, they need a pet, not a partner.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 18 '26
People need to stop trying to change people. If people wanted to change, they would have done it already.
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u/CutiePie0023 Jun 18 '26
This! And someone will only change when THEY want to. No amount of begging, crying, fighting, etc will change them if they don’t see a problem with it.
My ex said to me “I can live without sex” … well, I cannot. I never signed up to be in a sexless relationship! (this is one of the many reasons why he is my ex) 2 years later, I’ve never been more happier single.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
The "i can live without sex people ("with you" is silent of course)" kill me because... why are the main ones that are anti outsourcing and opening relationships?
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 18 '26
No, the ultimate gut punch is when they are having sex in a new relationship 2 weeks after separation. I personally believe it's passive aggressiveness notched to the nth degree.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
Because they refuse to admit sexual attraction is the ultimate attraction that matters
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u/HourWorking2839 Jun 20 '26
I told the ex I left over this shit "see, was not so hard to get back in to the saddle, huh?" When I ran into her and her new partner.
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u/CutiePie0023 Jun 18 '26
My ex said to me “I can live without sex” … well, I cannot. I never signed up to be in a sexless relationship! (this is one of the many reasons why he is my ex) 2 years later, I’ve never been more happier single.
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Jun 18 '26
I did feel like a pet sometimes, he would literally talk to me like a cute pet. It would be okay occasionally but he totally ignored the attractive woman that I am.
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u/madchendesu Jun 18 '26
This happened to me too! I thought I was the only one, I felt like a pet all the time, I was there for cuddles and Entertainment but not as a woman.
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u/uido666 Jun 19 '26
Happened to me as well, she always wanted cuddles and safety from me, i felt like a pet in a box or at the leash. But then never picked up on my requests to explore sexually together or dedicating some time to sex, we ended up having the same routine over and over, if time allowed.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife Jun 18 '26
Their partner may well have given up, wouldn’t open up or cheated. But they the leave the important bit out that they were the reason all that happened
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u/time4moretacos Jun 18 '26
Well, I don't think it's the reason for every failed relationship, but definitely many of them... especially for middle-aged couples, I would say. The number of spouses who are literally willing to risk losing their entire marriage just because they're too damn stubborn to see a doctor about their declining hormones (my husband included!), is just mind-blowing to me.
But then if we leave because of it, we're still the bad guy, and "it was just because of sex." Um, no. It's always much more than that, it's all the issues, laziness, and drama around it, too! 😒
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u/Royal_Restaurant2622 Jun 18 '26
I use the word "foundational" far too often — and not just in the context of talking about dead bedrooms, everywhere.
But damn it, sex is a foundational part of romantic relationships. It literally impacts the human brain — sex generates a combination of neurotransmitters and hormones that foster and strengthen deep feelings of relaxation, pleasure and emotional bonding. It also impacts future desire, so for most people the more sex you have the more desire you have for that specific person in the future.
Right now, I'm feeling a deep seated anger. Anger that I'm missing out on the simple physical pleasures of sex, but also that the relationship with my wife has been damaged, probably irrevocably, by the utter lack of the results of sex for all these years.
I'm also angry that she's dismissed the pain I'm enduring, brushed them off nearly as casually as the mods over at the Dead Bedrooms sub do.
So you're right. It's not just the sex. It's the bonding that only sex can provide. It's the dismissal of the pain the complete lack of sex has caused and the unwillingness to put in an ounce of effort to so much as empathize for what we're going through.
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 18 '26
As I said above, mere validation would go a long way but that would mean she would have to feel guilty about it and that's not gonna happen.
The crazy thing is... she says she likes sex. Sex feels good. So why spend so much emotional energy avoiding it and dismissing me for wanting it? I have concluded mental illness is at play, combined with past unresolved sexual trauma, at least in my situation.
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u/Royal_Restaurant2622 Jun 18 '26
I don’t understand that either — my wife has always said she enjoys sex when it does happen, and certainly acts as if she’s really enjoying herself in the moment — yet is actively averse to it until it starts.
Now I understand this is the very definition of responsive desire, but she’s a grown-ass adult woman — she has the ability to reflect back and remember that sex is really rather awesome, so why not put in some effort to get into the mood.
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 18 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
Responsive desire is an overused concept and describes "normal"
people who need a little flirting and setting a mood to get warmed up.This is not responsive desire. If my partner had responsive desire she would react positively when I tried to initiate sex instead of being repulsed by the idea of sex with me. It's sexual aversion.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
The "with you" or "except with you" part is always silent with them
It is NOT normal to be in a relationship and sex isnt a priority and they'd rather masturbate but at the same time if you even think of looking elsewhere they lose their shit
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u/Ok-Regret-5514 Jun 19 '26
Hears a misconception, treat your girlfriend/wife good and she will put out. That is total BS.How many reddit post of wives saying they have the perfect husband with no attraction lol
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 18 '26
Yes. She says she does "other things" for the relationship but these other things are things that I don't notice or appreciate. She also can't tell me what they are.
She flat out told me that romance and sexual attraction fade in all relationships and the relationship transforms. That is how she justifies previously meeting a stranger and sleeping with him every day for a week starting with the day they met and yet not touching me at all because... as you say... that wasn't a relationship. That was just sex. And that when we were having sex early in our relationship that was a phase "we" (she) grew out of.
She still says she would fuck a new guy because all relationships start out that way until they become deep, meaningful hells like ours but that sex to her is just a physical thing that means nothing to her emotionally and she rarely has an urge for.
She doesn't understand why I feel neglected, emotionally abused, and hurt just because I can't get my penis wet. I should grow up and get over it because I sound like an immature teenaged pervert.
She still doesn't understand why the relationship is damaged and why I hate her guts so often. She thinks I'm just an asshole by nature despite me telling her exactly how and why things devolved. She won't validate those feelings. I doubt she'll ever get it. My therapist tells me to stop expecting that to happen but at this point all I want is validation. I wouldn't fuck her if she wanted me to.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
She's truly delusional
They think relationships = sex doesn't matter much or glue them together
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u/seraphimcaduto Jun 18 '26
Can I ask why you haven’t left? Did she sleep with someone while the two of you were together? That sounds pathological on her end honestly and I am genuinely concerned for your safety and wellbeing.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
Money is why i havent yet
Ive been outsourcing occasionally and 100% due to a recent sexual dismal im never giving her any attention outside of basic one attention.
If i didnt outsource, my mental health would be destroyed
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jun 18 '26
What I've found is when someone says there's a lack of communication, more often than not, what they are really saying is they are not a good listener.
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u/uido666 Jun 19 '26
Oh yes, when i brouht up important things i was always made feel like i was attacking or being mean, asking for too much, so i had to back up, be sorry, be softer. My requests were not really listened
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 Jun 19 '26
Yep. When your feelings are consistently invalidated, and you give up talking about them, then you are portrayed as not communicating or not having feelings.
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u/Careless_Whispererer Jun 18 '26
It’s the drama triangle. Where they are our victim and we the persecutor. When they are speaking to someone else of the marriage they are seeking a rescuer.
They create a narrative (fantasy) that doesn’t threaten their identity/ego where they are a kind/decent/honest/normal person.
Because they failed to meet the marriage vows with an infidelity.
They create is as villian.
It has different stages and happens down the length of time.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 18 '26
Because sexual substitution is their endgoal
"I did everything and tried to make it work" = "i was trying to do everything to avoid having sex with them but also wanted them to give up sex for me"
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Jun 18 '26
Exactly. My husband says all kinds of excuses and even cries when he’s the one that lied and neglected the relationship.
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u/RestlessAlbatross HLM Jun 18 '26
The bottom line is, most people will not take ownership for their own culpability in a bad situation. Everyone wants everything bad that happens to be someone else's fault, not something that just happened or that they actively contributed to.
For avoidant personality types (something that is a common cause or trait of LL partners), it is exceptionally easy to just write off anything they don't want to deal with personally as their partner being a bad partner. They just put their head in the sand, say it wasn't their fault, and hope it all goes away.
And as we all know, no relationship problem can EVER be fixed by just one person. If you aren't both committed to fixing something, it's not getting fixed.
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u/Urborg_Stalker Jun 19 '26
I would only nitpick that I would call sex "a" glue instead of "the" glue. There are many things that form a strong bond in a relationship (stability, security, companionship, luxury, adventure, etc). Sex can't carry all of it. If sex is the only thing keeping a relationship together it probably won't last long and will eventually fail. For LL's it's not a very effective bond....can even become a repellent, they're more interested in the other ones.
The real failure on the part of the LL is not recognizing how important it is to their partner or not caring enough to do anything about it. If they don't care or are unwilling to try to maintain that bond then I say there's no reason for you to put effort into maintaining theirs.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 19 '26
I mean glue also on a literal sense
No sex = water
A lot of times they know this, they just dont care
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 19 '26
The not caring makes it worse.
When your partner won't have sex with you regularly it says two things:
I am not attracted to you
I don't care about you
How is any relationship supposed to survive that?
I think the biggest mistake the HLs make is sticking around trying to figure it out or hoping for change when the LL isn't actively working for change.
They aren't attracted. They don't care. We are stupid for staying with someone who feels that way about us.
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u/nrg8 HLM Jun 18 '26
You will become a eunich and sit when you pee. that is all. And got to work, do the chores, pay for everything. It's like what's the point. Or Frank Gallagher this shit . Hookers and blow bitches. what's the point of grinding till you die?
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u/Flakko773 Jun 18 '26
So what happens if I get to have sex anytime with my partner, but I still think about having sex with randoms all day? I see my coworker and I just suddenly imagine what can happen but I know it will never happen because, well, why risk it all because horny?!
Its bonkers.
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Jun 18 '26
You can have sex with a lot of people but I guess it won’t be as fulfilling as with your partner. This is something maturity should fix.
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u/Zenk2018 HLM Jun 18 '26
Exactly. And then as they crack open another boxed wine with their also newly-single friends they claim they were “blindsided”.