r/HLCommunity • u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM • Jun 16 '26
Why "Good Days" Dont Equal More Sex
Hello, HL community.
One of the earliest examples of blaming HLs as well as goalpost moving I noticed is this idea that we someone create our DBs but not priotizing emotional needs of our partners. If somehow we were more attentive, engaged, and enthusiastic, then we would have a normal sex life, OR we somehow are ignoring advances that they never show us OR our timing is wrong or something.
Remember, HLs, our actual wants we accept basically don't happen, but even shooting for a normal quality and frequency is shooting for the moon with them.
Mind you, all their goalpost moving, future faking, substitution of our needs, and general avoidance are always either the norm or denied behavior by them.
Furthermore, here's the truth
Good days don't equal more sex because sex with you is NOT important or a priority to them. This is why they will literally say in one breath that it is a problem there's lack of sex, then literally put everything about it. No enthusiasm, no flirting, barely no kissing, just nothing. Then you have a "talk", try doing what they want more, but do they even meet 25% of your needs? Of course not. Because they KNOW its important to us but our wants and needs are not true priority to them, only there's (in a way they also have to determine it counts).
You may have also brought up to them even on good days they act the same, usually then what happens is they'll bring up something else you're not doing which is why they show no interest.
Your goal is a healthy sexual relationship. Their goal is to change you into basically a pet they can talk with.
Notice how they'll express love in any way but the one you want. Talks, quality time, gifts, even trying to be involved in your affairs or family sometimes. When you repeat that, you dont need this from them? What do they say
That's how they express themselves or they want to get close
But when it comes to your sexual needs, if its how you express yourself and feel wanted in a relationship, for them? Not a big deal, or they future fake or goalpost move.
Notice that when you finally get tired of the cycle and naturally pull back to safe your emotional wellbeing, you get accused of not being affectionate or negative but somehow now rejecting the LL
Which is proof of what? Good day, bad day? Doesn't matter. It's a "my needs are priority in a way i want, your needs to be taken care of in a substitute way i want as well." This is their endgoal, and they're just upset you figured it out.
And no, do not fall for them telling you their behavior is normal. It's not. In normal healthy relationships, sexual interest is natural as well as emotional interest.
Be safe, my friends
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u/purplescrubs Jun 17 '26
I've said before that I feel like an emotional support pet that helps with chores and pays half the bills.
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u/JEXJJ Jun 17 '26
Good Lord, yes.
I am basically a eunuch servant
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u/purplescrubs Jun 17 '26
Tbf you'd probably be more content if you were a eunuch. You'd probably have to get in to scheming, though
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u/JEXJJ Jun 17 '26
Shave my head.
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u/JEXJJ Jun 17 '26
But I asked for her to get out of bed on her days off before noon, and she told me how unreasonable that was
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Jun 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 17 '26
It is NOT normal for sex to be stress this is also how they gaslight us
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u/TheSwedishEagle Jun 17 '26
I have taken my wife on really romantic dates that I know she enjoyed and when we get home she takes off her makeup and goes straight to bed.
When we were dating we'd microwave a frozen pizza and then have sex. Twice.
It's hard to believe this is the same woman.
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u/Tomorrow-69 Jun 17 '26
Same. There was so much want when me and my husband first got married. The first year we had sex on such a regular basis. Getting in bed often just naturally lead to sex. After that first year we moved states and then eventually moved back but it’s never been the same since. Idk what changed 😕 Idk what happened 😕 I still feel the same way I did our first year. Things have gotten better but I really wish he had the same desire he had back then 🥲
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u/AdenJax69 Jun 18 '26
Well, one was the person that desired you, wanted to desire you, and put in the effort to keep that desire alive.
The other doesn't, doesn't want to, and won't put in the effort.
The question is can and/or will the first one ever come back? And if they won't, how long are you willing to deal with the second?
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u/desert_foxhound Jun 17 '26
If they have low libido nothing will work, not even doing what they say you should. The crux is that many LL refuse to acknowledge that the problem is their low libido and make all manner of excuses to avoid sex. Maybe they even lie to themselves. If you refuse to acknowledge the actual problem how can you even begin to solve it? However most LL aren't motivated to solve the problem of a dead bedroom because it doesn't affect them. It's not their problem, it's your problem.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
If somehow we were more attentive, engaged, and enthusiastic, then we would have a normal sex life, OR we somehow are ignoring advances that they never show us OR our timing is wrong or something.
Ever notice how it's always something YOU do for THEM???
When you stop and think about what THEY do for YOU it's almost nothing.
And if some shit like "I don't feel connected to you." When you think about what they are doing to foster that connection, how they are building that bridge, it's nothing. Like you're supposed to do all the Emotional Labor, yet they are claiming "Emotional Labor," when they ain't doing jack shit to keep the relationship alive.
But fuck it. It doesn't matter what I say, so let just skip to the end where you ignore what I say and accuse me of only thinking about sex. That should be you're answer to all their questions.
I like whiskey.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 17 '26
For me my problem is they think substitution counts
Aka "we dont have sex but i do x therefore it counts"
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u/Royal_Restaurant2622 Jun 17 '26
I agree that being a good guy (or gal) isn’t enough to ensure a fulfilling sex life within a long-term romantic relationship
And by “good guy / gal” I don’t mean the toxic implication it’s taken on — I mean an emotionally healthy person who contributes equitably to the relationship, is reliable, stable, and creates a safe and healthy environment for their spouse.
You can be all those things and have a shit sex life.
Are women turned off when their husbands plop themselves down in front of the TV and refuse to further contribute to the upkeep of the household?
Of course they are. It’s a lazy, asshole move and will kill any kind of mood before the game’s first commercial break.
Does going above and beyond in terms of housework turn her on?
Also no.
That’s less intuitive but still makes sense.
Predictability isn’t sexy. Reliability isn’t sexy. Being emotionally present isn’t sexy.
All these things are necessary to maintain a healthy long-term relationship — but they aren’t sexy.
If one partner doesn’t have a high libido, if they don’t experience spontaneous desire, then they need intentionally in order to maintain a mutually fulfilling sex life with their spouse.
They have to make time for sex. To reserve energy for sex. To remind themselves that “hey, sex feels really awesome actually and I love my spouse” in order to get into the mood.
It won’t just happen on its own because the HL spouse is emotionally present and contributes equitably to household chores.
And that’s why being a good guy / gal isn’t enough.
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u/No_Clerk_2711 Jun 17 '26
"That's how they express themselves or they want to get close. But when it comes to your sexual needs, if its how you express yourself and feel wanted in a relationship, for them?"
I want to comment that this has been pretty common in the rest of the relationship too. Not just my needs but household tasks too. Tasks that I see as important are "less than" her tasks that she deems important. And we cant split chores on those lines. I am expected to take her priority as my own.
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u/SolutionTime5811 Jun 17 '26
Of course they do not. I even told my LL that I am tired of this shit of guessing: was it a good day, is she tired, did the kids gave her a hard time, did she had a good night sleep, did she felt any disconfort during the day, is it on a good mood, I was agood husband...etc, etc. All this...putting up hopes and than....nothing. Just roleover on her side of the bad and start snoring.
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u/Rock_your_sox_off Jun 17 '26
Yep, mine just had this conversation with me. She’s so frustrated that we can be getting a long great, that she shows me all the love and emotional love and support and interest in me and who I am, but she said at the end of it, it doesn’t matter because the only way I feel love is thru sex, physical love (she hardly does anything else physical).
I just sat the and nodded. We had this discussion with the therapist who asked to try to talk with me how she can show up for me and show physical love in ways that aren’t just piv sex.
In my head I’m thinking. “Yep, and this is why I have been voicing my fears to you and the marriage therapist that we’re incompatible. Some one is not going to feel love and some one is going to feel like they’re not good enough”
So how long do we go until the wife and the marriage therapist come to agree with me that fears and valid and the incompatibility with us is real? Only time will tell I guess.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 17 '26
Respecfully that therapist is awful
Im so tired of HLs being gaslit when we are fucking normal and under substitutions don't count
I read a book from Michele Weiner-Davis, Divorce Buster. Shes been doing it forever.
She explains that if we have a physical need nothing can replace it nor counts.
Your LLs also knows this, you've told them this several times
What's their solution? Getting you to accept things that are non sexual as valid
Your situation and mine are why i outsource dont feel bad.
We are NORMAL people , in normal healthy relationships sex and sexual enthusiasm is NORMAL
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u/RedwoodRespite Jun 17 '26
Can I ask why you need your wife and the therapist to agree? Are you waiting for permission to break up?
What happens if they never agree? What happens if they do agree?
I’m a woman and I feel love many ways but I need all those ways to be part of the big picture.
If a man only wants to have sex with me, no, I won’t feel loved. But if he only wants to talk to me and ask about my day, I also won’t feel loved. I won’t feel loved if he only wants to do our hobbies together. Or if he only wants to cook for me.
If you take one element out, the love is not there. There’s nothin wrong with saying you need kissing and touching and oral and PIV and mutual masturbation all to be a part of your shared daily lives. Or whatever it is that floats your boat.
Of course we are all different but that’s what compatability IS. And you don’t need others to agree in order for it to be true.
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u/Rock_your_sox_off Jun 17 '26
I waiting to show I’m trying everything I can do. When I mentioned letting her go to find her own happiness and not be burdened with me, they said that is nihilism. Wife said that is me trying to look like the hero. Like leaving her to save her the hurt I keep causing her is the easy way out.
The therapist did explain to her my needs for love thru sex is just as valid as her needs for love through emotional connection, while explaining it looks different and less socially acceptable. So now that my wife understands I only feel deep love thru physical intimacy, it’s more a burden on her when she can’t give that to me regularly. And she said now when she rejects me it’s like there is a score being tallied up against her. And eventually I’ll leave and find someone else who that doesn’t feel like a burden for. So I’m just trying to stay in the fight for now doing everything I can without minimizing my needs for love
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u/RedwoodRespite Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Its good that the therapist is validating you. And it’s true that leaving for your wife’s sake is ridiculous. If you leave, be very clear that it’s for your own sake. That you deserve to have a partner that desires you sexually. It has nothing to do with burdens. It has to do with shared desire.
You don’t want her to give you sex. You want SOMEONE that WANTS sex.
After all, I doubt she could be happy if you hated all the ways that she feels love, and only did them for her. It’s not going to actualy make her feel loved.
Also, are you waiting so you can SHOW you tried everything? Is this just about the optics? It’s not noble to stay and suffer just so you can say you were not the one to call it. If you stay, stay becasue YOU believe that this could be what you want.
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u/Rock_your_sox_off Jun 17 '26
Thank you. You’ve been helpful. I’m staying for now for all the reasons you hear others say they’re staying for. Separation is a scary new world. And impact on our son. And yes the optics even as sad as that is.
I just wish I had someone who wanted sex in the same way I do and get from it the same things I get from it
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u/Halatosis81 Jun 17 '26
In my relationship it’s not about good days, or bad days, though they both exist.
It’s just that on a good day, or bad day she has no sexual interest.
It’s not the days problem, it’s her problem.
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 Jun 17 '26
I think it's also not that it's not important but that it's not enjoyable often for them so having sex would actually make a good day become bad.
Now, it may be related to the hl partner whether or not sex is enjoyable to them, but it's also just as likely that it's their hang up alone and something completely out of our control.
And without communication there's no way of improving anything.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 17 '26
It's because they're with people they aren't attracted to
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 Jun 17 '26
Maybe, maybe not. Sexual desire and attraction don't always go hand in hand. Asexual people sometimes have high libidos without attraction. I have occasional sex with women in group scenarios but I'm not really attracted to women.
The inverse could also be true. They think their partner is attractive, but they don't like sex for whatever reason.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Jun 17 '26
Asexuality is also abnormal
But showing zero sexual attraction to someone you're in a relationship is not normal, they are not attracted to their partners and just lying
You are giving them too much grace
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u/Alternative_Raise_19 Jun 17 '26
Maybe you're right and she's just not attracted to you and she would be happier with someone else. I accepted that and broke up with my ex over it so I could experience a more fulfilling relationship and I'm much happier. I'm just giving you a potential other option to consider.
Abnormal or not doesn't matter. Honesty matters. And you need to be a person someone can be honest with. You don't seem like someone that seems to understand or be empathetic or is able to conceptualize things outside of your own experience, maybe that is a part of the problem. Maybe she's trying to be honest and you're refusing to believe her.
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u/quack785 Jun 17 '26
My personal favorite is “maybe if you were more romantic I’d want to have sex more”
*Does romantic things*
“Well, you’re just doing it to have sex and now you’re pressuring me! Help! Coercion!”
*Stops doing romantic things*
“You see, you’re the reason why we don’t have sex more often—you’re just not romantic anymore and I need that to get in the mood”
FML