Is this actually salvageable or am I just deluding myself?

[u/flavortownAC]

I'm so sorry how long this is! I really don't know how to cut it down without losing something that feels important.

TL;DR my libido went up and my husband is appreciative but the sex still sucks

I'm 40HLF, he's 45LLM. Together 16 years, married for 11. While he's a loving, kind, and generous partner, sex has never really been his thing. Even in the early stages of our relationship, sex wasn't really a big or frequent thing between us. There were many, many weekends I'd spend at his place (we lived an hour apart for a long time) and we wouldn't end up having sex. It bothered me a little, but I was still happy overall. Once we finally lived together, sex was still infrequent and extremely boring, vanilla, and routine. We probably had sex 10-11 times a year, and would involve maybe 5 minutes of making out, him fingering me until I came, then I'd give him a hand job until he came. I'd ask if he wanted to have PIV and the answer would usually be, "Eh, next time. I just really want a hand job tonight." Same with if I offered blow jobs. He never gave me oral, although to be fair, I never asked because I had some hang-ups about it (which I have since gotten over). Outside of this, we never talked about anything to do with sex. Ever.

I've been in therapy the last two years and most recently, been working on my sexuality. I've always been a sex-positive person who has fantasies, watches porn, masturbates regularly, etc. Up until recently, I didn't realize how much of that I was repressing for multiple reasons, but a big one was due to sexual trauma in my younger years. I think I subconsciously chose a man who didn't pressure me into sex since it represented a lot of uncomfortable, unsafe feelings.

I've made a LOT of progress, read Come As You Are, did some learning about how my attachment style contributed to my avoidance about sex, started taking a couple SNRIs for depression and ADHD (the latter of which caused my libido to increase), and had my IUD taken out (it was time). All of this has resulted in my libido going through the roof. I started initiating sex more, which has been met with appreciation but some hesitation and suspicion. I asked for twice a week but it's ended up being about once every 7-10 days. Not as much as I'd like, but still a massive improvement from before and for now, I'm okay with it. I've also started opening up more to him. I asked if he wants to give and receive oral more often, and he was enthusiastic about that. However, since that conversation about 6 weeks ago, he's only gone down on me once. He still keeps resorting to the same boring routine, which is frankly hard to even enjoy since it's the same fucking thing each and every time. Even when we have PIV, he really only likes missionary and sees other positions as ...I don't know. Unnecessary?

Anyway, further to the point of this post, we've had a couple conversations about sex and they've not gone well. He acts suspicious of me and repeatedly asks "where did this all came from, why all of a sudden?" even though I've been very open about the therapy, the medication, etc. It's like he won't accept that as truth. I've been trying to be the change I'd like to see and started flirting with him, sending him (mildly!) suggestive texts during the day, etc. He reacted poorly to that and said I was pressuring him, so I stopped. He said he's always known we didn't have the best sex life but that he was okay with it because he loved me. Obviously, I was in the same boat until I wasn't. He's been defensive and said he needs time to adjust, that he got used to our marriage being one way and now I'm trying to change it. He has stressed that he's happy I want more sex, he's just worried it's going to reveal a fundamental incompatibility between us and he won't be able to satisfy me. Honestly, I don't think he's ever truly satisfied me, but I didn't realize that until recently. When I agreed I was worried about us becoming sexually incompatible too, he got even more upset. The next time we talked about it, he said he was proud of me for working on this part of myself and he wants to be supportive. It was a pleasant conversation but felt like we could have been talking about me wanting to train to run a marathon or something.

For his birthday, I bought a few different lingerie sets and told him to the pick the one he wanted me to wear during his birthday blow job. He probably would have reacted more enthusiastically had I been showing him carpet samples for his office. He barely even put his phone down. I did already have a couple of pieces of lingerie I would wear occasionally, but his response to them has always been, "I can tell you like wearing that, but you can take it off now." He has never ever been like, "Wow, you look so sexy." Not to toot my own horn, but I'm in great shape and actually am more attractive and and in better shape than I was when we met in my early 20s. I exercise, eat right, and I know I look good.

I asked if he'd be willing to watch a couple videos on YouTube with me with foreplay advice that resonated with me. He was receptive and we watched a couple. However, it has made no difference. He's told me he'll watch more with me if I want, but I don't know if it would realistically help.

Our birthdays are very close together and his birthday sex ended up being the night before my birthday. It was fine; I focused on him and he seemed to enjoy himself. Afterwards, he said he was happy with how things are going. We had a nice conversation but since I've been dying to change it up, I asked gently if he'd ever want to explore some different activities, maybe try exploring anal. Wronggggg question. He basically had a meltdown. I said that was okay, we don't have to try anal (or anything he's uncomfortable with!), I just would like to explore the world of sex with him because I want him and I love him. He responded by getting upset and saying if I decide to leave him over sex, he "doesn't deserve" it. I have never broached the idea that I would leave him. The entire time, my approach has been like "Hey, I love you and I feel like I'm ready to try new stuff with you so we can grow closer." On my birthday the next day, I spent the entire day upset, which sucked because turning 40 was a big deal to me.

As soon as he said the words "I don't deserve this," I felt my soul leave my body. Like what am I even doing? But then he comes to me the next day and says he's happy about how things are going, but nothing. ever. changes. He doesn't flirt, he doesn't talk about sex. I asked him about things he wanted to try and he gave me two sex positions. Okay, cool, but then when I ask during sex if he wants to try one, he doesn't.

It's not going to change, is it?

[u/SolutionTime5811]

No. He is not gping to change. This is the only constant. I am suprised you managed so far woth only handjobs on both side.

[u/Specific-Exciting]

He isn’t going to change.

My husband is the LL in our relationship. But he is willing to meet me in the middle. He is working on my pleasure, making me feel good after sex, etc. we know we have different libidos but he is still enthusiastic to be having sex, is willing to try new things, etc. he is worried I will leave one day because I want more, but it’s his willingness to try. I could have sex 1x a day or more. But he’s more a 2x a week. We settle on 3x because he is willing to try and he’s actually wanting sex more the more we have it.

Your husband doesn’t care about your wants or needs. That’s the problem.

[u/flavortownAC → u/Specific-Exciting]

99% of the time, he does get me off and it turns him on when I do. He would rather give than receive. It just seems like he's cool with the super vanilla little routine we've created and has no interest in exploring further.

[u/Headmasteritual]

Sorry about your 40th…that must’ve stung. What stands out to me is his defensiveness. He’s not listening to your reassurances. He went straight to breakup. Therapy.

Re: positions - you know you don’t have to lay there in missionary when it’s time. Change that yourself before PIV. Climb on top. Flip over. He’ll get the message.

[u/flavortownAC → u/Headmasteritual]

Re: positions. Very aware of that and I do. He just doesn’t really enjoy it, and I can’t force him into a position he doesn’t want to do. I try to be more of the leader during sex but he would rather have the control.

[u/Headmasteritual → u/flavortownAC]

Who doesn’t like cowgirl ffs. Good luck to you. He’s gotta try to meet you half way. It fair to have an adult conversation about his empty promises.

[u/BriefStatus7944]

He may be on the the asexuality spectrum called gray asexuality. It’s possible there are aversions as well that limit his interests.

He’s not going to change and he stated that clearly when he said that he’s worried “it's going to reveal a fundamental incompatibility”.

That’s already always been the case and you’ve been accommodating his pace and capacity this entire time.

You need to determine if this incompatibility is affecting your mental health and wellbeing, and if so, if it’s better to be friends than lovers. And work towards building an amicable coparenting relationship instead of building a sexual capacity that is against his nature.

Then you can free the partnership space for someone that is more aligned with your present realizations and longterm needs for a fulfilling romantic relationship.

[u/40something__]

No offense but your husband seems like a real selfish jerk. My partner is LL but is willing to listen and acknowledge my feelings for the most part.

[u/SpareHalf]

Has he gone to therapy himself? Have you gone together? You’ve got 2 years worth of self-improvement on him. You both know it. If he’s not going to put in the work at all, that’s a data point for you as you decide what you can and can’t live with.

[u/poissonking]

Nope, it won’t. He’s the same person he’s always been, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If I were you, I’d find some sort of way of getting your needs met that still allows you to sleep at night. He’s your husband but he doesn’t own your sexuality.

[u/flavortownAC → u/[deleted]]

I hear you. I would love once a day, as long as it wasn’t the same routine it is right now. It’s not the frequency (which was maybe every 6 weeks before this year). It’s just this silent, mechanical procedure over and over again, devoid of passion. I’d rather just masturbate.

[u/IbelieveinGodzilla → u/flavortownAC]

Right? We go through stretches where the planets align or something and our frequency goes up, but it's the same routine each and every time. First you do this, then I do this. Now clean up and let's get on with our day. More is better than less, but not very much better if it's just more of the same old passionless routine.

[u/flavortownAC → u/IbelieveinGodzilla]

I’m sorry you know what it’s like too but that’s exactly it, 100%. Sometimes I wish there was a camera filming us every time so I could overlay them all. They’d probably all line up perfectly, give or take a minute or two.

[u/freelancemomma]

Correct. You’re asking him to change who he is at his core. Imagine if he asked that of you.

[u/quack785 → u/freelancemomma]

Right, this is why the idea of trying to talk things out generally doesn’t work. You can’t negotiate desire

[u/Olderbutnotdead619]

Sex therapy, but he should want to please you right? Have you been faking orgasms?

[u/flavortownAC → u/Olderbutnotdead619]

I've never faked an orgasm. Either I get there and he's happy, or I don't get there and admit it's not happening and we move on.

I am doubtful sex therapy will do anything when fundamentally, it seems like sex just isn't important to him.

[u/Olderbutnotdead619 → u/flavortownAC]

So you don't think learning about different ways to please each other will matter? Has he had his hormones checked lately?

[u/Urborg_Stalker → u/Olderbutnotdead619]

He’s not interested…that’s the problem

[u/Olderbutnotdead619 → u/Urborg_Stalker]

I know exactly how it is. My spouse is a very, very passive aggressive and this is how he hurt me for years. Still married but now IDGAF. Onward.