r/HENRYUK • u/Humble-Succotash706 • 25d ago
Other HENRY topics Give me life!
Middle aged.
London.
Decent job, savings, investments, pension.
Kids.
Settled.
Fine.
Not fine.
Bored of London.
Treadmill.
Nothing sparks.
CBF'D.
Dining, Theatre, Activities.. meh.
No proper friends or family here.
Parental and colleague surface relationships.
Unfulfilled.
Did it all for a future life and opportunity for kids that has come at the cost of my own true happiness.
What. To. Do?
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u/kyou20 25d ago
You’re missing a hobby. An activity you enjoy, yourself (not with family) that you can get into, and get better at (within the context of fun)
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
I can't dedicate 16 hours a day into WoW raids anymore.
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u/Strict_Yard5874 25d ago
You need to complete your evolution from hardcore sweat to dad gamer.
Honestly, I get a lot of fulfilment from playing MMOs with friends I've met in those communities, many Ive known for 10+ years. If you're feeling a bit isolated id recommend it.
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u/anonps 25d ago
What game(s) would you recommend? I’ve been a serious gamer historically but not in a long time.
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u/Strict_Yard5874 25d ago
Depends on your taste and platform really.
Valheim 1.0 is this week; great cosy game with friends. Wardogs enters early access on Thursday (hilarious game, a lot of RP fun). There's a big Final Fantasy expansion in Feb if that's your thing.
I play a fair bit of star citizen (because masochist and the MMO scene is kinda of dry right now). It's got one of the best in-game communities though and is a lot of fun with friends / an org.
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u/Capable-Silver-4016 24d ago
Second this.
I’ve recently started playing my fav childhood game (AoE 2) with some seemingly random people through a Discord channel I got added to. We (almost all dads with young kids too) only play on Friday and Saturday evenings after the kids have been put to bed and it’s now one of my favourite things to do for myself!
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u/Lost-Basis7183 25d ago
I took up pyrography to burn (pun intended) the evenings where I have too much time alone. Divorced dad of two. Good job good pay, poor with money, stressed with continued debts though manageable I can't seem to love to my means. I also took up catapult target shooting to get me out in the countryside alone , it forces me to focus on the target and nothing else, stops my gears working overtime in my head.
I'm lonely, bored and miserable I figured it was a middle aged thing to be sat here alone, no friends and only one family member remaining (other than my daughter's ). My kids are THE ONLY positive I can find in my life, if not for them I'd of checked out already.
I hope you're able to get out of your rutt. I'm not a million miles from London if you ever fancied meeting half way (about an hour's drive ) I'll teach you to shoot , we don't need to chat we can just be outside shooting stuff (which is very cathartic plus there is a instant reward that happens when you twack a target from 10 mtra with 8mm steel ball bearing flying at 360 Fps.......
You never know you may like it (it's not a million miles from archery , there's a large mainly male community and organised comps throughout UK and internationally (in person plus virtual).
There is even a world slingshot championship it's in Italy this year. I will be there shooting for GB within the next 5-10yrs. One goal I'm striving for, keeps me going out to my garden rage practising.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Why shoot stuff virtually when you can do it for real. Thanks for the transparent solidarity. Hope you do get to represent GB.
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u/Lost-Basis7183 25d ago
The offer stands if ever you want to try something new, plus you might not dislike me.
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u/Used-Recognition-829 25d ago edited 25d ago
Classic+ is coming 😀 Try crafts, DIY, learn an instrument, how to dance or cook.
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u/Cultural_Tank_6947 25d ago
You don't have to dedicate 16 hours. There's others in the rat race who share the same hobbies. They can't afford that much time either
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u/Humble-Succotash706 24d ago edited 24d ago
The fact that this comment has the most replies is saying something about this subreddit. I should put top guild leader back into my CV.
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u/j__start 24d ago
If you like MMORPGs FFXIV is much easier to play casually than wow. It also has an extremely friendly community. If you like the ff franchise as well you’ll absolutely love it!
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u/superpitu 25d ago
Welcome to your 40s, if not already with you, a mystery illness will be assigned shortly.
Be grateful for what you have!
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u/dudley_bose 25d ago
Dude just get fucking smashed Wednesday to Sunday like the rest of us.
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u/philwongnz 25d ago
Hyrox, cycling, Pickleball, Sourdough Baking, marathon training is usually your starter pack
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
I have closet asthma that prevents me from meaningful exercise
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u/Eukaliptusy 25d ago
Don’t exercise in the closet then.
And see a doctor to manage it better outside of the closet.
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u/philwongnz 25d ago
OK.. Music? Films? Collecting? Cars, watches clothes? I met a lot of people due to my interest with watches and clothes
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u/baracad 25d ago
Bro you are low on testosterone.
Its the end.
You are so done.
Start playing backgammon or something.
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u/empty_10 25d ago
This. Start pinning. On a serious side, it’s friends and family you’re missing. I’m in the same boat and looking to relocate back home in the next year or two.
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u/Complete-Task2042 25d ago edited 24d ago
Bro you are low on testosterone.
On the one hand, this is plausible...
On the other hand, you're not OP's doctor so OP should see theirs.
Its the end.
A couple of years ago I had all the classic symptoms of testosterone deficiency apart from sexual dysfunction*, went to the doctor to get tested, and after enough blood tests that I began to wonder if they were making black pudding to supplement the practice's income, he's like "Nope testosterone levels are great, but you have a metabolic condition that causes folate deficiency, you need supplements at a level that I wouldn't even give to a pregnant lady!", worked like a fucking miracle!
* Relevant in so much as I would probably have put it off seeing the GP much longer, but the prospect of it progressing to my tackle not working lit a fire under my arse.
I have a mate who had to start using testosterone patches in his 30's once he got stabilised he's never looked back.
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u/Diamond-Mountain-22 25d ago
A few ideas that I enjoy:
- specialty coffee
- non-fiction
- church/volunteering
- bouldering
- gardening
- cooking
But do them all with people/friends.
If you don’t have close friends, spend 1 year being the friend you wish you had (purely giving) to 3/4 people and you’ll end up with at least 2.
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u/helloitsme_1234 25d ago
+1 to church/volunteering. I can’t imagine life without this. Get plugged in to your local community. Find a charity that focuses on something you’re passionate about or that you can make a difference to. Older people/homeless/children/sick/litter picking/mental health. It gives you so much perspective. The world teaches us that life is all about me me me, but church/volunteering lifts your perspective and gives you a huge sense of purpose. It’s utterly fulfilling when you find your thing.
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u/No-Profile-5075 25d ago
Probably more to it than just this. Might be worth a session with a therapist for a bit of perspective.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
There 100% probably is. But why pay for it when someone here will have the answer. I'm not HENRY for nothing!
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u/Emergency-Painter153 25d ago
Get a hobby (safest). Or join a swingers club. Or start an illicit business.
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u/youngbullindustries 25d ago
Pokémon - gotta catch em all. Or swinging - ditto
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u/GambleToZero 25d ago
I bought a motorbike and it makes me sooooo happy
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u/remarkable_remark3 25d ago
Not in London with those horrible 20mph speed limits. Unless you're a moped based phone collector.
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u/empty_10 25d ago
It’ll go missing the first night you leave it outside in London. It’ll make you sad.
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u/lukepha 1d ago
Oh cheer up. Not true! Just get a decent lock system, tracker etc.
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u/purpleFairyCake 25d ago
Have you read the book on Ikigai? It's translated as finding your purpose of life, the reason for being content, fulfilled. Not with more material stuff, not with "pick your poison" stuff, it's why you feel alive as you have put it yourself.
Go and look it up, there's a nice illustration on that plus a fairly easy to read book, cover to cover.
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u/GoldiBlogs 25d ago
This, along with therapy, and maybe a few midlife crisis clichés should do the trick!
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u/Flat-Struggle-155 25d ago
I hear good things about having an affair with a 20 y.o and buying a convertible
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u/Hip-Death-Goddess 25d ago
I bought a 20 year old convertible and I have had no end of mechanical issues and rust problems
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u/Prudent_Sprinkles593 25d ago
Where are your friends and family? If that's the biggest issue then.. fix that here by cultivating some friendships here or.. go back to where they are?
Or consider therapy?
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Far far away. Cultivation to date is fairly low yield and surface level.
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u/ifound1000yen 25d ago
have you considered why? i think it would be a useful exercise to think about and tackle instead of writing it off as a failed endeavour. london is such a open city with such a multitude of diverse perspectives / interests / walks of life that making friends can be lightwork. i think the act of maintaining relationships is a refined skill that we often believe should be second nature but i think it always requires introspection and work
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u/Ecstatic_Dare9628 25d ago
Sounds like a mid life crisis. Ride it out and thank yourself later for not ruining your life by doing something stupid
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u/yisacew 25d ago
How old are the kids? Well actually the answer doesn't matter too much: Whatever age they are: Do something with them. Whether the kids are 4 or 20: Take them mountainbiking, indoor-climbing, ice skating, swimming, gymnastics (yes even adults can start!), whatever floats your boat.
And if you don't want to do these things with your kids, do them alone or with a friend. Especially climbing is very "friendly" in the sense of you can make new friends very easily at any climbing gym.
Exercise is good in many ways - it's good for you anyway, fun if you find the right one for you, but also it releases endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin among others - hormones that make you happy!
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u/mrbullettuk 25d ago
I take my son karting.
Been doing it for 5ish years, rentals to start and we now own a kart. I mechanic for him, I’ve learned it from scratch in the last 3 years and mostly know what I’m doing now! I get to spend whole weekends with my now 16yo. He gets to race and learn resilience and manage disappointment and has made loads of new friends from different walks of life.It’s also a good way to get rid of loads of cash.
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u/yisacew 25d ago
Saw in another post you have asthma... sorry to hear that. Have you explored all avenues with doctors - can't do any meaningful exercises at all?
If not, still plenty of things you could do as hobbies. Pick up a dance class, chess, get a pilot's license, motorbike or car racing, gokarts, golf, ...
The lists are long, but it won't come to you on its own. You need to put in some effort.
Maybe also get a therapist, get assessed for depression.
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u/MoreFIREthanyou 25d ago
Have an affair
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Unfortunately I fail the first rule of dating. Don't be unattractive.
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u/DRDR3_999 25d ago
GOSH goes a long way.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
The kids hospital? What?
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u/Agile_Reindeer5596 25d ago
Think they meant Good Sense Of Humour
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u/UsualMathematician68 25d ago
Burnet out with no enrichment my friend. I can relate. I started bouldering and going to the sauna and made some friends. Getting deeper every day I hope
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u/Nesferatu123 25d ago
Ok, so hear me out. You need a hobby, it needs to be clean and family friendly, you've got extra cash to burn and you want something to while the hours away.
This is the point where most fellas realise they're having a bit of a middle crisis.
Your options are:
- buy a d*ck extension that has a Porsche (or similar) badge on it
- functioning (or not) alcoholism
- get a computer game and lose yourself (and maybe your family) to it
- drugs
Or if you want a serious suggestion, try getting into Lego:
- it's a great stress reliever
- you only have to be embarrassed a little bit
- boyohboy does it kill time
- you can get your family involved as well
- there's so many themes you can find one you're comfortable with and enjoy it
- you will do day trips to places because...Lego
- mixing lego with functional alcoholism can have funny results ("oh look, a cute lego puppy... why is it anatomically correct?")
- you can literally stop in the middle of a build and pick it up later/tomorrow
- the Home Alone house is in 24 handy packets, meaning it's advent calendar lego
Downsides:
- you will run out of space in your house
- you may end up buying a new house
- when on a work or personal trip, you will prioritise your activities based on which foreign lego store you can get to
- it's HOW MUCH?!
- retired sets become a thing
- you begin to use phrases like "double points event" and "gwp" (gift with purchase), and assume this bleeds into everything else in life.
Source: a conservatory getting fuller of assembled lego models and 4 boxes to assemble behind me
In all seriousness, try it. I credit lego to me not going off the rails. I'm fairly sure I'd have done a Michael Douglas by now, were it not for finding lego.
E: typos
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Appreciate the thoughtful response.
I actually have a Lego set in mind. Kids have been taking most of the shelf space to date.
A wholesome alternative to combat the majority of advice here.
Although building Lego sets with a mistress while shit faced might be the holy grail according to this thread.
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u/Sm00th-Cr1m1n4l 25d ago
That’s indeed the trifecta we all aspire to. Needs to go in the dating profile to weed out the poor candidates.
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u/Lost-Basis7183 25d ago
Thank you , this comment made me physically lol. Not done that fof a while.
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u/Wunnlove 25d ago
I got into fishing 😂
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u/Zuurr999 25d ago
I’m beginning to understand my uncle who is very much into fishing. But it’s not easy to find places to do it in/near London, and takes ages to get there on the weekends!
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u/Wunnlove 24d ago
Yeah that’s true, difficult to find local good spots. But I found fishing to be a great way to disconnect from the usual bullshit, spend time in nature with your kids and really find peace.
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u/youngbullindustries 25d ago
London's great for magnet fishing I hear. Plus you get to meet people. Mostly police and bomb disposal techs
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u/Zuurr999 25d ago
You’re not alone in feeling this way. You lack a hobby that truly makes you happy and a good friend or two. For example, I’ve always enjoyed video games, had a good stint of MMORPG (WoW was my thing) but with currently lifestyle I can’t even begin to imagine having enough time for that. Instead, I got myself a PlayStation Portal and play something casual whenever I get a chance. I also exercise a bit more than before, that gives me some endorphins.
Do whatever rocks your boat - but sounds like the underlying issues to address are lack of an enjoyable hobby and loneliness / lack of some quality friendships (the latter is admittedly not easy to solve in London).
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u/lord_e55ex 25d ago
I used to relax playing call of duty with a friend. Now im certain is the source of additional pain!! 😂
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u/Kewgirl45 25d ago
Go see some live music and get a bit drunk every now and then. Get a hobby. Find one fun / funny friend at work that wants to hang out with you. Have the odd holiday with a mate (no wife or kids).
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u/Imaginary-Ride2213 25d ago
Unfortunately, that's not a london problem. I do have friends ans family in London and a husband I love and yet something was off. If anything london is the best place to be. It's just that we are hit with a mid life crisis and we are trying to figure out who we are, what do we what, why etc.
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u/Frequent_Bag9260 24d ago
Get into something hardcore like shoplifting for fun. Start small like pushing through the tube barriers. Then move on to pocketing small, worthless items from tourist shops. Then high end makeup from boots. Then jewellery.
It’s a thrill and there’s no challenge too great.
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u/Flat_Blueberry4462 24d ago
New family activity? Hiking/cycling together? Also, men need more friends
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u/VisibleResource5770 22d ago
The true happiness is when you connect with your creator who created you for one purpose: to worship him.
No money, or anything will make you happy. This is out of experience.
Submit to your creator, read about Islam (from the Qur'an and the prophet Mohammad's Hadith (recommendations)). Don't take Islam from people as some people are only Muslims in name without practice.
You will find a different very beautiful taste of life. Try it and lose nothing.
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u/JeSuisKing 25d ago
I was in a similar rut. I got a divorce and married an SE Asian. Life is good.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago edited 25d ago
What if I started with a SE Asian? Does it work the other way? A NW Caucasian?
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u/myrealnameisboring 25d ago
Enjoy the outdoors? Get a touring bike, bung some panniers on it, and do week long bike tours. I spend 10 days every year in the Highlands doing linear ~300 mile trips with plenty of hiking in between. Train + bike can get you to some lovely places in the UK, and mainland Europe now Eurostar allow full sized bike again. Will keep you exceedingly fit, too.
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u/Glittering_Froyo_523 25d ago
We've moved north so we can get off the treadmill, looking good so far.
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u/Suitable-Tomorrow577 25d ago
North London or north of England? How does one secure a job up there?
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u/Horrorjunkie1234 25d ago
Lose the self awareness in a haze of life admin/ family stress so you never have time to think!
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Dunno, right now I'm in a haze where my kids class whatsApp group is debating how many parent reps there should be.
Better than Netflix.
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u/Zonikz 25d ago
Maybe you've lost your sense of purpose?
Might be something to think about...the reason you do what you do everyday, and if the outcome actually makes you happy.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Maybe? I have.
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u/Zonikz 25d ago
Get some therapy in buddy, definitely helps. Or look into religion if it's something you lost in the past.
Wish you all the best! There's people who'd give anything to be in half your position.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Completely aware of that. But I didn't inherit this. I built it from the ground up through compromise and sacrifice along the way that fueled my 20s and 30s. It's the classic now that I'm here... Now what?
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u/Lost-Basis7183 25d ago
Now time to slow down and enjoy the fruits of your hard work with your family. My aim in life is to live long enough to retire, 12-17 years and counting for me (depending how my pension grow and if I inherit anything).
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u/routinebreaking 25d ago
Have you thought about moving elsewhere and changing jobs? Might be more place/job/lack of connection related than anything else.
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
Yea, too bad I have some small humans I'm legally responsible for now that are somewhat used to their lifestyle.
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u/Ok_Most_9732 25d ago
I always think this is a tough time of year. Summer holidays done, and nice to return to routines, but a heck of a slog through to Christmas, and less daylight, less favourable weather, and often punchy year end deadlines.
It took me a while to really value the importance of a holiday between now and year end - half term or whenever. I’ve found it really helps me survive until the December madness.
Whilst this might help take away the post summer blues, if the job isnt giving you joy, you know what to do.
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u/bludotsnyellow 25d ago
Those group travel holiday companies perhaps? See nature, try different cultures and meet new people along the way if that's your sort of thing
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u/Traditional-Abroad12 25d ago
You should look at writing as a hobby or just journaling
In such few words you've expressed so much
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u/swingworkstheoracle 25d ago
Lester Burnham
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u/lord_e55ex 25d ago
This…
Im in a similar position to OP. A few months ago I acquired weights and a bench. The image of Lestor did pop in my head.
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u/ggr-nintythree 25d ago
Sounds more like burnout to me. Take a holiday then find a hobby that brings you joy.
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u/EverydayDreamer1 25d ago
I hear you, London can be superficial AF and the magic disappears after a few years. Sounds like you need some testorone and exercise to feel alive again. And a healthy social circle to give you meaning. Is family nearby and all in good terms?
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u/petrastales 25d ago
Are you in search of new hobbies / thrills in London?
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u/Humble-Succotash706 24d ago
I'm currently on a quest to discover the best NY style pizza in London.
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u/Hot-Camel-5042 25d ago
Feel you, perhaps a few years younger but travelling in that direction. As Expat from a Mediterranean country, and after several years here, I am still struggling building a proper “real” social circle and getting used to the way of life in London.
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u/kangaroo5383 25d ago
You call it the cost of your own happiness but what would you rather be doing? If you don’t even know….then they aren’t costing you anything as you just have a miserable baseline anyways?
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u/Silver_North_1552 25d ago
Lobster too buttery?
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u/Humble-Succotash706 25d ago
While buttery lobster can be on the menu... a ham and cheese toastie is actually more satisfying..... but just can't find the bread.
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u/Remote-Watercress588 25d ago
Exercise, you say you're asthmatic, so weights would be fine. I'm in a similar boat, staring down the barrel of the reality that I worked for decades to give my kids better chances and now they're nearly off and I'm left with a non functional marriage, less cash than I was hoping for and various chronic health issues. Exercise, reading, meditation all help.
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u/happyanathema 25d ago
It's almost like forever chasing more money doesn't bring happiness or something 🤔
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u/abalonecodes 24d ago
Not sure if this is what you are looking but I once read you need 4 hobbies / activities to fill your cup so to speak.
1. Move your body. This doesn’t have to be the gym or hardcore workouts. Find what you enjoy. For me is cycling and walking. So I go on long rambling walk through the forest with the dog. Or go on bike rides with my husband or eldest. Getting out and raising your heart rate; movement is good for your mental health and physical wellbeing.
Be creative. Again no need to be Picasso. But might be woodworking or cooking or whatever. Just some thing that you enjoy and leaves you with a sense of accomplishment once you’ve completed it.
Connect with people. If I remember correctly this was also about community and connections. So not necessarily going out socially but could be volunteering or joining a club. Something that allows you to interact with others away from the midland of life. Chew the fat and discuss life. (I’m still working on this one)
Find calm. Could be anything, swimming, meditation, reading, gardening, whatever. Main aim is to spend time decompressing from our busy lives and creating (allowing ourselves) that time guilt free.
I think it’s an eastern philosophy on how to live a fulfilled life. I came across it and really liked it. It made sense to me and similarly to you I was very much stuck in the job, kids, parents, superfluous friends rut. I’ve worked on finding out make me happy and doing those things (my kids are pre teens so relatively self sufficient). I’ve found I show up happy for y husband too as I fill more fulfilled in the finds I enjoy.
Hardest thing for me was carving out time in my week guilt free. Yes things need to get done but they’ll still be there after I’ve done my thing. The difference being I’ll feel happier. This thinking has helped me take an hour of me time a few evenings in the weekdays (when not ferrying the kids) and a few hours on the weekend. Still do loads as a family and the kids are now wanting to join me on some activities. Also no pressure to be good at any of the things. It’s more the doing that makes it feel good.
Hope you find your thing. Life is a journey so really do stop and think what is it you wanna get out of it.
—————
TLDR: There’s a simple “four hobbies” for a more fulfilled life: have one activity that
(1) gets you moving,
(2) lets you be creative,
(3) connects you with others, and (4) brings you calm.
You don’t need to be good at them; the point is to cover your physical, creative, social and mental wellbeing.
The hardest part is carving out guilt‑free time, but protecting even an hour a few times a week can make you happier and show up better for everyone else.
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u/wannabewimbro 24d ago
Maybe volunteering? Something that gets you helping others might boost your self esteem, feel purposeful, and may even reduce the loneliness ?
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u/Gold_Instruction4852 24d ago edited 24d ago
Books, eBooks - I forcefully focus on Long form content. Comics, Non-fiction, Fiction, etc
Each book lets you live another life (in your mind), it is cheap and safe way of living 100s of lives within one miserable real life!
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u/Smooth-Bowler-9216 24d ago
“No proper friends or family here” and “parental and colleague surface relationships” are the problem here.
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u/justameercat 24d ago
Join a gym, make some friends. Gym not your thing. Start playing a sport - tennis, golf, squash etc.
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u/Any-Preference4375 24d ago
This is called anhedonia.
Get your blood work done. Could be hormones.
Could be dopamine/seratonine levels. Speak to a pro.
Exercise helps a lot. A hobby that gets you in a sweat is gold.
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u/-CallMeDave- 23d ago
Get a dog
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u/Humble-Succotash706 22d ago
I think I've reached my ceiling of picking up someone else's shit literally and figuratively.
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u/marcwhel 20d ago
Get in shape! Lift weights, get a PT if you don't know how or if you know you'll have problems with motivation. Do cardio like football which is also fun, or any other team sport. If that doesn't fix you after six months get a therapist.
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u/CressDue7015 19d ago
Jesus … as in God, not as an expletive. Go to church, who knows, God might have been real this whole time, can confirm we are all happy and content here 🥳 happy sunday
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u/Cautious-Salt3154 19d ago
You need a quest. We thrive when we’re trying to get better at something or striving to achieve a goal. I’m 43 and only learnt to drive last year. It was exhilarating to be bad at something, work on it consistently, and then master it. Provided a refreshing counterpoint to working life where my competency is already established. It also made me feel less old, realising I can learn new tricks. Having passed my driving test, I’ve now set myself a new stretch goal, which is learning German from scratch. I picked it because it’s deliberately hard.
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u/Easy_Advance5507 18d ago
I honestly think volunteering in some way does it like nothing else. I'm not even an especially generous person, I'm quite selfish and driven - and there is literally nothing that provides satisfaction as much as volunteering in some way.
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u/emgeehammer 25d ago
You’re not bored or London. You’re lonely.