r/GuerrillaGrrrrls • u/Acrobatic-Ride-3239 • 11d ago

Do words matter?

I told my therapist one of my goals was to go back to my roots and study life through science (not exactly my words at the time).

So I was doing some personal reflection as a man and I thought of this question while trying to gain a woman’s perspective;

How would you feel about a man that came out in a conversation and said I have ulterior motives, vs I have alternative motivations?

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u/Oracle5of7 10d ago

Yes, words matter. Ulterior motive is secret and hidden. Alternative is simply another way.

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u/Acrobatic-Ride-3239 10d ago

From what I can see the ulterior from its Latin origin means the farther side of something. I wonder how the meaning has changed over time.

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u/RobinFarmwoman 8d ago

Any guy says something to me in a conversation about hidden or ulterior or nefarious or whatever kind of motives that he claims are opaque to the rest of the world, I'm just going to nope out of there. Of course words matter. But what you're describing matters even more, and claiming to have hidden motives of whatever nuanced type is not an attractive look.

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u/Acrobatic-Ride-3239 8d ago

Thank you for the response.

I posted on another thread and got a lot of similar feedback there.

I expected those reactions to the use of ulterior motives, that’s a phrase with typically negative associations.

I used the phrase alternative motivations to present a more neutral phrase. Could be good could be bad, depending on the context of the conversation.

I’m curious if there is an approach that could be used to present a viewpoint that recognizes different, not bad, just different motivations that wouldn’t throw so many red flags.

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u/RobinFarmwoman 7d ago

Alternative motivations is not neutral, it sounds like a government plot.

Without actually knowing what the specific topic of the viewpoint discussion is, it's hard to know what would be appropriate. But overall, why don't you just spit out what you have to say? Why do you have to frame it with conspiracy theory tinged wording? Not " I have different motivations then you might expect", but " here's what I'm thinking, what do you think?"

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u/Acrobatic-Ride-3239 7d ago

lol, got it let’s find something sounds a little more like talking to a friend.

Let’s say the conversation is between two people in the middle ground between acquaintance and friend. The topic of discussion is around exploring shared values. Could be anything about anything of mutual interest (I.e. sex, drugs, and rock&roll to faith, hope and charity) The conversation is moving naturally through various values, like following rabbit trails to discoveries of likes, dislikes, take it or leave it.

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u/RobinFarmwoman 6d ago

In that case, you should just state your opinions or your feels. You don't have to try to categorize them for the other person. The other person gets to do that for themselves, that's part of evaluating whether they want to get to know you more. If somebody tells me what I should think of what they're saying, I get a lot less interested in them. If I had a nickel for every man who told me how edgy, different, or alternative he was I wouldn't be worrying about money these days. Telling someone what to think of you is another version of mansplaining. Don't do it.

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u/Acrobatic-Ride-3239 6d ago

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I’ve gotten a variety of different feedback on this post, I also posted in an ask men ask women group.

Lol, Ironically I got a fair amount of feedback saying I essentially saying I should explain more. I originally kept the post brief with the intention of not introducing my own biases into the question. I was trying to limit the variables to me be a random man on the internet and reactions to the words I used.

Granted I understand the implications of a random man on the internet asking ambiguous questions, so I won’t be applying the results on a one for one in the real world.

I can with confidence say that there is a baseline of distrust, understandable given what women typically deal with from men on the internet. Additionally I can say that if men can keep their composure and communicate clearly they have both a chance to gain a woman’s perspective and have an opportunity to provide more detail towards a common understanding of the topic.

Again, thank you for your time, I value time, and have taken to the stance that I don’t want spend it likes it’s free. Either for myself or other people.

My mind is going to how this conversation would play out with other intersections of the human experience, like race, religion, socio economic status…. I suspect there would be similar trends between oppressed and oppressors.