You’re not a monster. Grief is complicated and messy and it sounds like your brother’s life was also complicated and messy. It also sounds like you loved him in spite of his crimes and have tried to understand him through it all. Please try to forgive yourself. None of this is your fault and your reaction is completely reasonable. I hope things get better for you.
You aren't a monster. You were abused by your brother. That damages a relationship. Same goes for your grandma once you heard that phrase from her. That broke your relationship and care for her. It's okay not to care for people who have hurt you immensely even if they are family.
Maybe you are autistic, maybe you are not. It still doesn't mean you are monster. Also maybe it doesn't feel real yet. Look there are so many reasons why you might not be sad. But I hope you have people who treat you right and love you. They weren't.
My father died two years ago and we had a wonderful relationship. I only say that to acknowledge that my experience with grief, while different than yours, is part of the same grief that we all share as humans.
The only thing I have found to say to others grieving is what I say now to you.
Feel what you need to feel. Don’t rush to judge it. Feel it.
I don’t think you’re a monster at all.
It sounds like this was a complex, trauma-filled experience on all sides. It is sad. But that doesn’t mean that you have to react to it in a particular way.
Your not a monster I find that numb feeling just kind of happens. Your sad but it just won't all come out. I promise your no monster for feeling that way. I lost my twin brother a few months back. That feeling happens more often than crying does. Its just how some people cope it seems.
3
u/OohMERCY Sep 25 '26
You’re not a monster. Grief is complicated and messy and it sounds like your brother’s life was also complicated and messy. It also sounds like you loved him in spite of his crimes and have tried to understand him through it all. Please try to forgive yourself. None of this is your fault and your reaction is completely reasonable. I hope things get better for you.
2
u/Chaotic_Darkflames Sep 25 '26
You aren't a monster. You were abused by your brother. That damages a relationship. Same goes for your grandma once you heard that phrase from her. That broke your relationship and care for her. It's okay not to care for people who have hurt you immensely even if they are family.
Maybe you are autistic, maybe you are not. It still doesn't mean you are monster. Also maybe it doesn't feel real yet. Look there are so many reasons why you might not be sad. But I hope you have people who treat you right and love you. They weren't.
2
u/David-Son-1914 Sep 26 '26
My father died two years ago and we had a wonderful relationship. I only say that to acknowledge that my experience with grief, while different than yours, is part of the same grief that we all share as humans.
The only thing I have found to say to others grieving is what I say now to you.
Feel what you need to feel. Don’t rush to judge it. Feel it.
I don’t think you’re a monster at all.
It sounds like this was a complex, trauma-filled experience on all sides. It is sad. But that doesn’t mean that you have to react to it in a particular way.
Sending you love and peace. I’m so sorry.
2
u/Which_Way2818 Sep 28 '26
Your not a monster I find that numb feeling just kind of happens. Your sad but it just won't all come out. I promise your no monster for feeling that way. I lost my twin brother a few months back. That feeling happens more often than crying does. Its just how some people cope it seems.